Questions for separated parents who share care in any form

[dingleberryd]

Perhaps some of you might have a moment to answer these questions if relevant to you, I'm trying to understand the 'typical' arrangements (if there is such a thing) when parents are separated.
Thank you so much in advance.

1. What is your arrangement? (i.e. every other weekend, every other week, etc)

1. What days/times are the pick ups/drop offs and where? (i.e, dad collects DC at 6pm Friday from my house and drops DC Monday morning at school)

1. How old is your child/ren? Do they seem happy with the arrangement?

1. How long have you been separated?

1. Did this arrangement follow court proceedings, mediation or an informal agreement? If court, is the arrangement as per your initial proposal or was it decided otherwise? What was different?

1. Has the agreement ever changed? Are you happy with it currently?

Any other comments very much appreciated - I know these questions are quite personal so please don't answer those you are uncomfortable with, any feedback would be helpful.

All the best!

Oh sorry I forgot one!

1. What is the distance (in time) to your ex partner's home?

1. ex sees DC every Sunday 9.30-5.30 at my house. He has DC 1 weekend in 7 (his choice)
2. on those weekends, pick-up 6pm Friday, return 6pm Sunday
3. DC is 9, yes, kids like to know what to expect and settle quite quickly

4.Six years

1. informal
2. not much. Yes it works more or less. There's always a bit of negotiation around holidays but as dcs get older they have swimming lessons & playdates etc locally and don't want to travel every other weekend.
3. 1hr 15 mins each way but he chose to move away.

Best advice, keep it civil and calm if you can, communicate by email so it's timed & dated in writing, be prepared to flex for things like bad weather and if you have a complaint, say so, don't bottle it up.

Good luck.

Ds14 ds10.

Resident with me.

Go to dad's EOW 6.30pm Friday till 7pm Sunday.

Have option to see him Wednesday for couple of hours and the Friday that is my weekend.

BH cover falls on whom ever weekend it is.

Holidays split 60/40. I do more as l get more AL.

Arranged contact ourselves. He lives 15mins away

Why do you ask?

1.What is your arrangement? (i.e. every other weekend, every other week, etc)

50/50 so over 14 days we each have them 7 days but not 7 in a row

1. What days/times are the pick ups/drop offs and where? (i.e, dad collects DC at 6pm Friday from my house and drops DC Monday morning at school)

We both work so we collect the youngest from childcare and the older DC go straight to mum's or dad's from school.

1. How old is your child/ren? Do they seem happy with the arrangement?

6, 12 & 15yrs - tbh they would rather not have two houses but they cope with it fine and don't grumble too much. We are very flexible, particularly with the older two.

1. How long have you been separated?

2 years I think

1. Did this arrangement follow court proceedings, mediation or an informal agreement? If court, is the arrangement as per your initial proposal or was it decided otherwise? What was different?

No court

1. Has the agreement ever changed? Are you happy with it currently?

No changes but I'm guessing there will be changes going forward

1. What is the distance (in time) to your ex partner's home?

5 minute walk away. We are on very good terms and exdp was always going to stay in this area...it just so happened that a house came up for sale so nearby.

1. What is your arrangement?

ExH works unusual hours so he sends me the dates he is free once a month for the next month. It works out at about 2 nights a week. Could be weekday or weekend.

1. What days/times are the pick ups/drop offs and where?

He picks up and drops off from me or School. If he has the DCs midweek he stays at his parents locally. If he has them over the weekend he drives down to pick them up and takes them back to his. Then does the same in reverse. He does all the travelling.

1. How old is your child/ren? Do they seem happy with the arrangement?

6 and 8. They’d like to see him more but seem happy b

1. How long have you been separated?

4 years

1. Did this arrangement follow court proceedings, mediation or an informal agreement?

Informal

1. Has the agreement ever changed? Are you happy with it currently?

He used to have them more but moved 200+ miles away. I’m fairly happy with it. Would like to be able to plan further in advance but his roster makes it difficult.

1. What is the distance in time?

3+ hours.

He does more in the holidays but I think his partner looks after them more then.

1. What is your arrangement? (i.e. every other weekend, every other week, etc).

usually one night a week, but which night varies with his work roster, which is also seasonal, so sometimes I go months without a night off. He also has them for the odd weekend/week when I go away with my DP

1. What days/times are the pick ups/drop offs and where? (i.e, dad collects DC at 6pm Friday from my house and drops DC Monday morning at school)

I collect from school each day and ex collects from me after work about 5pm. He then drops them at school the next day and brings their bags home before going to work the next day. He rarely has them on a non work day, so he gets 2 days a week to himself.

1. How old is your child/ren? Do they seem happy with the arrangement?

They would like to see him more regularly, but they’re used to it now, after 6 years. They’re all tweens/teenagers now, but were aged 5-11 when we first split)

1. How long have you been separated?

6 years

1. Did this arrangement follow court proceedings, mediation or an informal agreement? If court, is the arrangement as per your initial proposal or was it decided otherwise? What was different?

informal. It was 2 days a week initially but I think he found it too much

1. Has the agreement ever changed? Are you happy with it currently?

it changes often. I’d prefer fixed days really but I understand why it doesn’t happen, and he’s pretty helpful popping round if I have a night out to ‘babysit’ at my house

1. What is the distance (in time) to your ex partner's home

has varied between 5 min drive and 1 hour. Currently about 20 mins drive

Also we spend birthdays and Christmas all together for the children

1. What is your arrangement? (i.e. every other weekend, every other week, etc)

50/50 equal shared care. I have every Monday and Tuesday night. My ex has them every Wednesday and Thursday. Every other weekend Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights.

We also have an arrangement where we can each take them away for up to 2 weeks holiday during the year, and we work that so that the days lost with thenother parent balance out.

1. What days/times are the pick ups/drop offs and where? (i.e, dad collects DC at 6pm Friday from my house and drops DC Monday morning at school)

During term time, on changeover day the kids just go to the other house. During the holidays, it depends on when the kids get dragged out of their pits(!), but drop off is usually between 11am and noon.

1. How old is your child/ren? Do they seem happy with the arrangement?

Two daughters - 13 and 11. It works well for them. The longest they go without seeing the other parent is 5 days - we considered a week on / week off, but that would be a very long time for the kids to be apart from either of us.

1. How long have you been separated?

Just over 2 years, and divorced for a year and a half.

1. Did this arrangement follow court proceedings, mediation or an informal agreement? If court, is the arrangement as per your initial proposal or was it decided otherwise? What was different?

Decided by agreement (eventually - she initially tried using residemce arrangements for the kids as leverage for more money in the divorce, but a good solicitor soon put a stop to that kind of nonsense).

1. Has the agreement ever changed? Are you happy with it currently

No changes. It works well for us. I completely re-ordered my work life to ensure that I could be local on the days I have the kids, so 50/50 might not work for everyone. But I strongly believe that kids need a quality relationship with both parents, and that 50/50 should therefore be the default starting point for these things - with deviation from that when needed.

1. What is the distance between houses?

5 minutes - we are about a mile apart. Close enough for it to be easy for the kids, but far enough to be...well...far enough 🙂. The girls have everything they need at both houses, so a minimum of stuff has to move with them when they change over (a stuffed dog, being the most significant item!).

1. What is your arrangement?

He has them every other long weekend Thursday after school to Sunday afternoon 5pm plus alternate Tuesdays after school for tea until 7.30pm in term time, Thursday 11am until Monday 7pm in school holidays, no Tues tea. Summer holiday we negotiate each year a week Sat-Sat or thereabouts for a holiday.

1. What days/times are the pick ups/drop offs and where?

He collects them either directly from school or college on the Thursday, drives to my house (I'm at work) and they collect their laptops, games kit etc. On Sunday he drops them back outside the house. I don't see him, he doesn't get out of the car. On school holidays he collects them at 11am, knocks on the door and the DC answer.

1. How old is your child/ren? Do they seem happy with the arrangement?

They were 9,11 and 13. They are now 16, 18 and 20. The oldest is now at Uni and when he's home he still follows the EOW routine unless he has his own plans. He hasn't been included in the summer week since he turned 18. I don't know why and DS1 is a bit upset about it, but won't ask. DS2 has SN and is still included this year, I don't know about next year.

We don't do 50/50 as my DS2 has ASD and struggles with changes to routine and I felt alternate Wed to Wed as ExH initially wanted would be too confusing for him. I also worked term time only to be able to care for him out of school hours which ExH couldn't:/didn't want to do. His proposal was that the DC went to a childminder EOW before and after school which DS2 would have struggled with. He was very quick to back down to current arrangement. I still work term time only but 37hrs a week now. I have them school holidays apart from his EOW and 1 week in the summer.

1. How long have you been separated?

Nearly 7 years.

1. Did this arrangement follow court proceedings, mediation or an informal agreement? If court, is the arrangement as per your initial proposal or was it decided otherwise? What was different?

Agreed between us as discussed above and accepted by the court.

1. Has the agreement ever changed? Are you happy with it currently?

We built up initially from Saturday am until Sunday afternoon EOW and every Tues for tea to Fri night after school til Sun then to Thurs after school til Sun when we dropped to EO Tues so DS2 especially could get used to it. This took about 6 months build up.

It's always too long for me but best that they see him. The first year was very hard as I had never had a night away from all 3 before. They had done sleepovers and residentials but never all 3 at once. I'm quite happy with it now, would prefer if he dropped the Thursday though. As above DS1 isn't included in the summer week if they go away.

1. Distance to his home.

10-15 minutes. (Too close for me but makes access simple.) The boys have weekend clothes at their dad's bought by him so they don't have to keep packing clothes. DS1 doesn't keep anything there since Uni as all his clothes from both houses went with him to Uni so he packs a bag when he's home. I buy school uniform and they wear it clean on Thursday and wear it again Friday. They change back into it on Sunday before they come home, helps so that school uniform doesn't get forgotten and no arguments over who bought what etc. It seems odd to others but works very well. They tend to shower as soon as they get home and change into PJs anyway. Doesn't apply for DS2 so much now as no uniform at college.

ExH used to be 'unavailable' to have them on his weekends in the early days so he could go on holiday. He now asks rather than tells me. I am almost 99% happy to have them for these extra times. Very occasionally I already have plans which can't be changed. I have only once asked him to have them for extra days, (gall bladder removal!) I always arrange my holiday for his week in the summer or on my weekends without them but I have taken them away in half terms including his weekend with agreement as that's cheaper for me to go abroad.

We are civil by email but haven't actually seen each other for about 5 years. I am not 'allowed' to drop them at his house. I think his new wife (OW) insists. This has been a pain occasionally for the DSs. I have never spoken to her and only saw her once with him in town. I'm not looking forward to future weddings etc.

I write this as a DSM who has supported the OH through court (the EW used the kids as pawns and would stop contact. He has a court ordered agreement that’s been in place 4 years (the kids are 9 & 12).

I wasn’t the OW BTW. He was well divorced by the time I met him.

He’s been separated 5.5 years, divorced for 4.5.

If you can avoid court do. It causes animosity. You may as adults get to a stage we’re you dislike each other but it’s about what’s best for the children.

My OH has the kids EOW and half the school holidays. He does all the pickups and drop offs (EW refuses to do any). Personally I think it would be fair if it was split.

The kids get picked up at 5:15 on a Fri and dropped back 4pm Sunday. My OH has asked if can drop the kids back later on a Sun (at 5:30pm) but EW refuses (says they have to get ready for bed and school the next day). Remember this court order has been in place 4 years, the EW won’t flex it st all.

He has asked if he can see them in the week or drop them back at school on the Monday - this has also been refused by the EW. He plans to take it back to court to gain more contact.

The court orders by OH could phone the children 3 times a week - on a Tue, Thu, Sun between 6pm - 6:30. If for example my OH is stuck in work or on a packed train and he asks if he can phone at 6:35 the request is refused.

The kids have asked if they can see dad more but mum refuses anything over the contact order. Contact is for the kids - not for the RP to dictate and control.

My advice - avoid court if you can and be flexible. Think about if the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel if he ‘allowed’ or ‘dictated’ when you could see your children, or stopped you seeing them. How much contact would you want? Dads miss their kids as much as mums.

Op are you doing some market research?????