Harassment over benefits

[tweedlezee]

So my DC’s dad has decided that he wants half of my benefits. We split up just under 5 years ago. It was a long slog to finally get him to collect his kids from school, despite his insistence for 50/50 child care. We have had this in place for a year now. Since then, he has decided he would like half my benefits. I don’t receive any CMS from him (Which I’m ok with as the children live in two homes) This issue has been brewing since he had his 1st child with his partner of 3 years (the child is coming up to 2). His partner has just returned to work and I’m assuming that has effected his income. He is prone to transferring frustration onto others. My daughter is struggling with his moods (she’s 6) and my son is shouting all the time. I really don’t know what to do. I can see his point about benefits but he is also such a bully that I find it hard to negotiate with him because he has a clear idea of what he wants and just uses any method he can to get it. I had to report him to the police as we split because he assaulted me. In a way I feel daft for allowing a 50/50 split but I just felt that although he can be a bellend , it’s not always better to keep kids away and he pushed so hard for a 50/50 split (see above re getting what he wants). I have recently met a new partner after 4 years of being single and I think this could be a contributing factor.
I have such a strong case for harassment (he randomly turns up at my house unannounced, he parks outside my work regularly, he sends abusive emails about how I’m neglecting my children etc). I just want hi. To buy the kids some clothes that fit, I asked him to do so 3 months ago and so that was the catalyst to end up here.
On Friday he swore at me on my doorstep before taking the kids away for the weekend. I refused to give him school dresses as he has failed to buy any since our DD grew. Apparently that accounts for extortion (his words) and means he will call the police (he said this on my doorstep in front of the kids). Any advice? Or just a pat on the head and tell me it will be ok?

Or... since they are not hers (they are intended for the care of the children) she should agree to each claim for one child. They both care equally for them, and she also expects him to pay for half their clothing whilst she keeps all the money. That's no right. But thinks mumsnet and when it comes to benefits, it should always be the mum no matter what. Ffs.
He might be an ass in every other way, but she has recourse to deal with the harassment. She can't tell him to buy more clothes whilst refusing to share money intended for that exact purpose.

Avasarala As I said upthread, If relations were amicable I might have suggested something like that.
However; as the ex has a history of harassment and abuse, I would suggest that OP does not get involved. He can make a rival claim if he likes and the DWP/HMRC will adjudicate.
That will be safer for all involved.
OP: I have asked mumsnet to move this thread to relationships as the posters tend to have a better grip on the dynamics of abusive relationships over there.
Also worth noting: We have no idea what the ex earns. If he is in work and begrudging his kids basic clothes then this is not OK regardless of who receives the CB and CTC.
If he is in work and is telling OP that he will only buy basic clothes if OP hands over her benefits then that's even worse. Its not the behaviour of a good man is it?

All really valid points. I am a bit shocked by it given that initially when we split it seemed like he would pay for half of everything. He stayed in the house we lived in and I found somewhere to live. He pays does not (nor does he need to) pay any CMS. I am concerned about transferring any CB as it seems to directly effect who is Primary Care Giver. He may seem like that on paper, given that he has them 50% of the time, but in a practical sense I have always bought their school shoes, school trips, covered school sick days (cancelling work), covered half term childcare, organised holidays etc. So In that sense, work has always been an option for him. I am not standing on a soap box saying I won’t do it. It’s news to me that it’s even on his mind. He appears to have engineered this situation as he never gets to have time alone with me. The day he swore at me in front of the kids saying I was extorting money from. Him, is the first time we have been face to ace, alone, without his partner or his parents being present. I have to actively avoid it or that’s what happens!

He sounds like a piece of work OP.
I would continue to avoid 1 on 1 contact and let him deal with the DWP/HMRC if he wants to pursue this.

Yes, reduce the contact again. It’s all got a bit boundaryless recently. I have messaged him to say I will pay him for clothes and continue to pay for all the other items they need. He can pursue me through the proper avenues because we cannot have contact unfortunately.

Keep detailed invoices for anything you buy /provide for the dc. Forms get sent out from cb /ctc and proof is needed who is purchasing the essentials for the dc.

OP
I think your focus needs to shift. This sounds an utterly awful situation for your children.

The appropriate way of dealing with this is for him to make his own claim and let the DWP and HMRC deal with it. That is up to him, not up to you."

This makes complete sense to me. Let him go through the proper channels. Taking benefits away from you is more than likely detrimental for the dc. It hardly sounds like he’s up for dad of the year award and you’re preventing him from being so.
Parents need to think what’s best for the dc. He went on to have another one knowing his circumstances. He’s ok to ask on good terms but to bully you is not ok. Let the Dwp decide if he so wishes. I would also advise that you give up chasing him to buy anything though. It doesn’t sound like it does much good for anyone. Not saying that’s right but is it worth all this hassle?

He's entitled to make his own claim. Give him nothing because he has a history of abuse and harassment. Keep receipts for everything you buy.

Frutti - that’s fair. I should definitely stop stirring the pot.

FYI - my ex made a rival claim and even though split is 60/40 and I cover most cost, they agreed to split the benefits and allocate one child's to him. It's for your ex to sort out, not him. CMS can cut/cancel out payments based on the fact that other parent now receives the child benefit for one of two children. That's been my experience. All the other drama is just their way of getting attention. In my case, communication is kept to e-mails/text messages and is only to do with the children. The further the distance you can keep between you two, the better. Also means the children are not exposed to the drama/negative energy (at least, most of the time). All our handovers (except during the holidays) is via school. Good luck.

💐op! He sounds like an arsehole!
Keep a diary of all the harassment he's given you, you will need to report him if this carries on, there was a segment on this morning today about stalking and harassment. If you need any help make an appointment with the citizens advice bureau, they should put you on the right track.
Don't hand over any money, not sure what kind of a man doesn't want to provide for his kids out of his own pocket rather than taking from them with one hand and giving it back with the other. He's obviously got some unfinished business/feelings for you that haven't quite gone away. But do yourself a favour, report his behavior! And think about those kids in his care...

It’s brutal. My daughter now declaring that she hates him (6) She’s confessed to him shouting at her, she said he hit her. My son has said he doesn’t know why she gets told off for something he did. I’m very confused now. Between this confession his behaviour towards me. Pfft. I don’t know. He has shut down any contact except for ‘accidentally’? ringing me and leaving a four minute silent answerphone message. Stuff really escalated fast!