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Original poster

Harassment over benefits

38 replies

tweedlezee · 05/03/2018 09:53

So my DC’s dad has decided that he wants half of my benefits. We split up just under 5 years ago. It was a long slog to finally get him to collect his kids from school, despite his insistence for 50/50 child care. We have had this in place for a year now. Since then, he has decided he would like half my benefits. I don’t receive any CMS from him (Which I’m ok with as the children live in two homes) This issue has been brewing since he had his 1st child with his partner of 3 years (the child is coming up to 2). His partner has just returned to work and I’m assuming that has effected his income. He is prone to transferring frustration onto others. My daughter is struggling with his moods (she’s 6) and my son is shouting all the time. I really don’t know what to do. I can see his point about benefits but he is also such a bully that I find it hard to negotiate with him because he has a clear idea of what he wants and just uses any method he can to get it. I had to report him to the police as we split because he assaulted me. In a way I feel daft for allowing a 50/50 split but I just felt that although he can be a bellend , it’s not always better to keep kids away and he pushed so hard for a 50/50 split (see above re getting what he wants). I have recently met a new partner after 4 years of being single and I think this could be a contributing factor.
I have such a strong case for harassment (he randomly turns up at my house unannounced, he parks outside my work regularly, he sends abusive emails about how I’m neglecting my children etc). I just want hi. To buy the kids some clothes that fit, I asked him to do so 3 months ago and so that was the catalyst to end up here.
On Friday he swore at me on my doorstep before taking the kids away for the weekend. I refused to give him school dresses as he has failed to buy any since our DD grew. Apparently that accounts for extortion (his words) and means he will call the police (he said this on my doorstep in front of the kids). Any advice? Or just a pat on the head and tell me it will be ok?

OP posts:
HotCrossBunFight · 05/03/2018 09:57

What benefits of yours does he think he has any right to?

NukaColaGirl · 05/03/2018 10:00

Report him and for Gods sake don’t give him any money! It’s a 50/50 split which means neither of you are entitled to child support, if having a new child has caused them financial hardship that’s their own damn fault.

Avasarala · 05/03/2018 10:02

If it's a 50/50 split then he has every right to half the benefits. One of you could claim for one child, and one of you claim for the other. You both have the responsibility of housing and feeding them for half the time, so you're both entitled to benefits for that.

Once you do split it, just don't provide anything for him - don't give him school clothes etc. He will need to provide everything they need for the time they are at his.

Avasarala · 05/03/2018 10:06

The harassment and unacceptable behaviour is a completely different issue, so yes, report him for that. Keep a record of every incident and keep calling 101 to get a log of it all. But child related benefits are paid to help cover the costs of the children - if the costs of the children are 50/50 then I certainly wouldn't feel right keeping all the benefits. Child benefit is easy to split; but the tax credits would be difficult, since it's income based and you have different incomes and one of you might be paying the childcare costs and the other isn't so maybe seek advise for how to make it fair.

SpiceRack · 05/03/2018 10:58

don't give him any money. If childcare is split 50/50 and he's not buying them clothes that fit then why should you give him money? it's not your fault he chose to have another child

Avasarala · 05/03/2018 11:02

The other child is also irrelevant. You split the kids 50/50 so he is, in fact, entitled to 50% of the child benefit. If it were a man on here saying his ex wife wanted half the benefits and they split the kids 50/50 then everyone would be saying the wife deserves it. You just have to put your foot down about giving him extra clothes.

OurMiracle1106 · 05/03/2018 11:02

He’s entitled in his own right to claim benefits for his kids. So long as OP has been honest with DWP this won’t affect hers.

He however is not entitled to half of her benefits.

Avasarala · 05/03/2018 11:05

Only one person can claim benefits per child so if she's claiming, then he can't. The benefit is per child, not per parent. The usual fair thing to do is for the resident parent to claim since they have the main costs if feeding the kids etc, but in class where it's 50/50 then either parent can claim and it's a case I f "who gets there first" but the fair thing to do is one claim for one child and the other claim for the other child, or agree to give him his half.

Jon66 · 05/03/2018 11:07

The appropriate way of dealing with this is for him to make his own claim and let the DWP and HMRC deal with it. That is up to him, not up to you.

Avasarala · 05/03/2018 11:10

The appropriate thing to do is behave like grown ups and split it fairly. He can't claim - there is already a claim in for these children. HMRC wouldn't have a reason to stop paying and switch to the other parent since care is completely shared so it's not up to them to decide who gets it. It's a flaw in the system - but that doesn't non give OP the moral right to keep all the benefit when doing 50% of the child raising.

OP wants him to buy his own clothes for at his house - that's fine, but he wants 50% of the money she gets for their shared children if he's to cover the same expanse that she does. That's fair.

OurMiracle1106 · 05/03/2018 11:11

I thought that things like working tax credits and child tax credits enough were based on income? Therefore why should dad get half if he is earning more than Mum?

I think things like this are very difficult tbh

Avasarala · 05/03/2018 11:17

I said earlier, the income based benefits would be difficult but the child benefit is a set amount - she should get for one child and he should get for the other. They could also claim for one child each with the tax credits - since they both do 50% of the work. It's really not fair for someone to do 50% of the work, but get 0% of the benefits and the other parent to get 100%.

OP, unless you are in incredible financial difficulty and your ex is well off, then you should be sharing. The harassment and his new kid are nothing to do with this. But you do need to do something about his behaviour towards you because he has no right to bully you.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 05/03/2018 11:25

If I was you I would offer to buy all clothes and you keep the benefits. If it came to you having to claim housing benefit to keep a roof over your heads, if he had the child benefit you would only be able to claim for a room for the dc you claimed for. Plus my ex tried this and told the dc he had the money so made all the decisions because I had effectively signed them over also!! He made contact difficult telling them he was in charge now!!

Original poster
tweedlezee · 05/03/2018 11:42

Thank you! He appears to want half of the child benefit and half the tax credits. He says without it he can’t/won’t buy the children school clothes etc. So it seems the general consensus is to give him what he feels he needs to have the kids half the time. He is struggling yes, and it is effecting his parenting as he is stressed. My problem is that originally, the kids didn’t stay with him half the time, then when he met his partner he decided to take them on 50/50. I accepted that this meant I would not receive CMS (fair) but we agreed I could receive benefits. He always declares he would pay for half of everything, then he refused to buy things but I had to produce receipts and now he wants half the benefits. It feels very unstable for my children.

OP posts:
lils888 · 05/03/2018 12:34

I think this just highlights how men usually get the shit end of the stick in break ups, especially when they didn't want the break up.

The woman is usually covered by the government, given suitable housing for DC and the men pay towards them too whilst their financial situation, housing status and ability to care for his kids due to this is ignored.

50/50 care means he should get 50% of the benefits the government are paying you. These benefits are to care for children, you are only doing that 50% of the time.

But do it one child each. Then it's based on earnings and in my opinion would be the fairest way. Some of your benefits are for you alone to live

Aprilmightmemynewname · 05/03/2018 12:49

Speaking from experience you leave yourself vulnerable to change. When my ds x2 moved with me ft and nc with df it took me ten months to receive their cb +ctc as exh continued to fraudulently claim. I had to involve my MP in the end. If he is so skint why did he have another dc??

Aprilmightmemynewname · 05/03/2018 12:49

And I didn't get any backdated either.

Roomba · 05/03/2018 12:54

He can't claim half the benefits. If there sis any dispute over which parent receives them, they go to who gets the child benefit. If that is in dispute, their guidance tells them to err on the side of awarding it to the mother. He'd have no luck with that one.

50/50 will affect child maintenance though, I'm jo expert in that bit but won't that mean he doesn't have to pay you any child maintenance at all as he's doing the same number of nights as you?

I do know a couple of people who split the benefits in that one gets it for one child, the other for the other child. They have 50/50 arrangements without much financial disparity and are all amicable though.

Roomba · 05/03/2018 12:57

I disagree with this you only need the befits half the time thing really. You don't just pay half your rent or half your fuel bills because the kids aren't there half the time. Though you could apply the logic to both parents at once and say they're both entitled all of the time then I suppose. The system doesn't fit with the reality of many families' arrangements and isn't in any way flexible.

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 05/03/2018 13:10

I work in benefits advice.
Its completely possible for a couple to split the benefits. You can, for example, have each parent claim for a different child. Its even possible to have one person receive CB and the other CTC (although be aware that only CB passports to IS as a lone parent).
If relations were cordial and OP's ex was paying his way I might have suggested one of these...
(I would never recommend, by the way, that someone simply hand over money from their own purse to the other parent, which seems to be what OP's ex is suggesting. That seems wrong in all sorts of ways-but especially in response to harassment.)
I think, as the situation stands: OP should stand her ground and keep her money.
If ex wants to pursue a rival CB and CTC claim: its open to him to do so. The DWP would then have to decide who had the best claim. As the kids are 50/50 it would likely come down to which parent is taking the greater responsibility for them financially. By her account- this would be the OP.
OP: I suggest that you start keeping a note of exactly who has the kids and when as well as everything you spend on them (keep receipts) in case he tries this.

Avasarala · 05/03/2018 13:58

It seems he is paying his way in everything but buying the clothes, and his reason is that she is getting all the benefits for both kids. He feeds them and houses them half the time; if OP expects him to also buy clothing then she should be allowing him to claim the benefits for one of the children to help him do this.

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 05/03/2018 14:45

"The appropriate way of dealing with this is for him to make his own claim and let the DWP and HMRC deal with it. That is up to him, not up to you."

This^^
This man is harassing OP and has been violent to her in the past. If he wants to make a claim for benefits, fine. But OP shouldn't have to stand for him demanding money and making threats on the doorstep.
This is absolutely a situation which should be mediated through the proper authorities.
I actually think that the benefits are a red herring and just a convenient excuse for him to bully the OP.
OP: I would suggest asking for this thread to be moved to relationships.

Takeaweeseat · 05/03/2018 15:34

If it's a 50/50 split then he has every right to half the benefits. One of you could claim for one child, and one of you claim for the other. You both have the responsibility of housing and feeding them for half the time, so you're both entitled to benefits for that

No he's not 'entitled' to half of OPs benefits. He doesn't buy any clothes for the kids and OP does so she needs the benefits more than him.

Avasarala · 05/03/2018 15:47

Take - you've missed the point. He wasn't asking for half until she started complaining that he wasn't buying his share of the clothes. In response, he has agreed to buy his share if he gets his FAIR share of the benefits to help him pay for it. The OP cannot keep 100% of the money, but expect him to also fork out for half the clothes when he's already feeding and housing them. If she wants to keep the money, then she can stop telling him to buy half the stuff. They are not HER benefits - they are given to her because she is claiming to be responsible for the children moreso than her ex, and that's not true if she's expecting him to buy half their stuff. Those benefits belong to both if they are 50/50.
Again, if the genders were revesered, no one would side with the OP.

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 05/03/2018 15:51

He's not entitled to half her benefits. He's entitled to make a rival claim for benefits if he wishes.
Instead of doing this- he's showing up at her door and demanding that she (a person he has harassed and abused) give him money.
OP should absolutely not give in to this.