Hi
I would really appreciate some advice from anyone with a narcissistic ex, as I am at a loss about how to support my children, and keep perspective. My children are 14 & 12yrs
I have a very detailed court order and my ex husband doesn't follow all of it. The last 6months he doesn't respond to my text messages, which are only ever in regards to logistics. He uses my children to pass messages and get consent for his requests.
He changes court agreed pick up times and weekends, he asks for unreasonable requests all via the children, layers emotional pressure and is cross if he doesn't get what he wants.
It puts them in an uncomfortable position, stuck between 2 adults. It's so difficult for them and it's affecting my relationship with them. As I am forced to say no, to requests that require me to cancel work or paid for plans, as there father has decided he can't have them or he wants them when they are supposed to be with me.
If the children want to do his activity more than our plans, I agree, cancel our plans and then he changes his mind.
I have recently been trying to take the stance that what we agreed in court is the line drawn. If he wants to change the order we can go to mediation or return to court. This is an unnaturally inflexible way to live and means I am frequently putting my children in a position of having to tell their dad no, or go against his demands, or by simply doing the plans we have instead of the new requests from their dad. But it means we have a structure and we can make plans.
I feel like its an impossible position for the children and me. They are stuck between a rock and a hard place. For me, do I allow him to control our lives, surely I am as important as everyone in this situation. I shouldn't have to keep taking the hits, changing plans, loosing out, to ensure my children and ex are happy.. I do not feel this is a good message to send to my children. It should work for all of us or not at all.
There are 2 things, the court order was agreed by both of us to protect the children from this kind of inbetween role. To allow us both to know when we had the children, to plan activities and holidays.
Also having been to court with him 10 times in 8 years (2 times I didn't even know why he was taking me until I arrived & once booked for 4hrs before we flew away on holiday and he didn't show up) he knows no text messages means no proof of his unreasonable behaviour.
Wednesday this week I tried to talk to him, I got one sentence out and he got out of the car marched across the road, got up in my face and screamed at me. I stood my ground and kept saying "please don't pass messages via the children it puts them in an uncomfortable position" until he finished and stomped off back to the car, where my children were sitting heads down. It broke my heart.
I have spoken to them and they don't want to be in this position, although sometimes for simple requests, they feel it's more efficient. I have asked my children when it doesn't feel OK, to simply answer his requests with "please ask mum" or "can you tell mum" But their dad doesn't listen to them.
I am at a loss... any insights or practical advice would be greatly appreciated.
:)