bit of a rant, sorry!

[beansmum]

sooooooooo angry. had another thread on here coz wasn't sure what to do about my ex having contact with ds. anyway, i decided just to let him see ds whenever he wanted.

well he hasn't seen him for 4 weeks now, ds is only 8 weeks old so thats a long time. I heard from a mutual friend today that my ex has told people that i won't let him see his son, thats just not true. ex phoned me once in the last month. he wanted to come round that day but i had already made plans. i said that i could meet him somewhere in town but he said he would rather not, not sure why. then he texted me the next day and said he would like to come round later in the week but would get back to me that night to confirm, not heard from him since.

its just a total lie that i wouldn't let him see ds, he's just trying to stop himself feeling guilty about being such an idiot and trying to make his friends feel sorry for him. they used to be my friends too and its really annoying that they're going to think badly of me because of his lies.

why are guys such jerks? he still hasn't told his parents that he has a son. well at least i can stop feeling guilty about not wanting him involved. Its fine while ds is so young but when he gets older he needs to know that if his dad says that he's going to phone he's not going to let him down.

also just found out that my ex doesn't have to pay maintenance because he's a student. he has 2 jobs and earns about £350 a week but his son doesn't get any of it. in a way i'm glad that i won't owe him anything but it still annoys me.

sorry, not a very interesting post, just needed to get it off my chest.

What a git! Sorry to hear you are going through this - I do feel for you as I have had the same rubbish from my ex. His best friend rang me and told me he was suicidal because I wouldn't let him see the kids when in fact he hadn't bothered to get in touch or turn up when he would normally have. Grrrr! Well mine is off the scene completely now. You sound like you have more patience than me anyway.

And what is this talk of owing him? He should pay for his own son's upkeep, no question of you owing him for that.

Hope things get better for you.

It sounds like immaturity and unfortunately there is bugger all you can do about that. Hold your head up high. You know the truth and the people that really matter to you know the truth presumably and that's all you need to be concerned about. That and having a lovely stress-free time with your new DS before going off to uni (well, as stress-free as it can possible be with an 8 week old!!). Dont let your ex spoli it for you.

Keep calm and don't lower yourself to his level. You KNOW that you have offered contact. Any friends worth their salt would kow that there are two sides to every story.

You could make it known via your mutual friend - but in a low key way - that you are disappointed that your ex has not taken up your offer of contact, despite his promises to do so.

If you DO want to maintain some contact for the sake of your ds, then it may be worth pro-actively contacting your ex and asking him when a convenient time would be for him to see his son. Only do it the once though, and if he doesn't take up the opportunity, then YOU know that you have done your bit.

beansmum, sorry to say that you are going to have to get used to some friends getting a totally distorted version of events from now on, and if you are like me, then you may also find that some of the friends will take his "side" and ignore you and not help you. If you are like me, you may find this really hurts! However, you will make new friends that really are on your side and help you. And, (this is true in my case because xp rang for a long chat after 3.5 years when I put in the csa claim) your life will move on and you will find fulfilment through your role as mother and work, etc, but as long as your x is in denial of his role as father, telling lies to others and to himself, he will remain f*ed up and unhappy. Your x won't be studying forever, and no doubt there will come a time when he is earning and either grows up and wants to be a father to your son, or becomes an immature high earner, and then your son will at least be entitled to financial support from him which the csa will enforce. I hadn't realized you were studying - it is impressive and I'm sure you will make a success of things, as have other women I know who were student mothers.