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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Need advice please please before i go MAD!!!!!!

44 replies

notnuftime · 30/04/2007 13:38

Didn't know where to put this so i figured this would b best place.im single mum to two children(was married but didnt work out with the dad)have met someone new,we have been together for about 3 years.I live in a rented house and he has his own house but he spends more time at mine.we cant live together because he has mortgage on his house and he would be off the property ladder if he came in my rented house plus he cant afford the rent.i suggested buying a bigger property(his isnt big enough)and he said he couldnt afford to,i would lose my income support and child tax credit he would shurly have to support me and the children from his earnings?i cant work due to ill health but god i feel so guilty!!we have huge rows now were i end up crying cause i cant give him any money (i put clothes in with the weekly shop for the kids and he expects me to pay him back)i already pay for the utility bills ie:gas,water,electric,etc....he pays for the weekly shop which he moans about saying it is too expensive well i thought that was what happpens when you have kids!!!My exhus pays £50 every 2 weeks for the kids but that doesn't pay for their school uniform or shoes.I don't know what to do am i being unreasanable should i grin and bear the pain and go out to work???what are the rights and wrongs when you meet new partner should he pay for them should he be asking for money back when we do weekly shop and i put some items of clothing in there?I still owe him about £200 from things i have asked him to pay for as i needed them and as long as i paid him back thats ok but how do i pay him back????please please can someone give me advice HELP!!!!!!!

OP posts:

hbbell · 02/05/2007 13:10

Well that is the only way to protect your self (he will have to make some big desisions then) You must protect your self.

Been there have the T shirt. But the guy I met Was great with kids and we shaired every thing. SOMEONE did try to get us in trouble but he had no posesions in my house except a play station i said it was mine(and they did cheque the bath room) 2 came one needed the loo ???

This was 7 years ago and they were not so strickd then sorry

P.S we did get married and are still together

hbbell · 02/05/2007 13:11

V bad at spelling sorry

Original poster

notnuftime · 02/05/2007 15:17

thanks hbbell were u a single mum before then you met him he moved in?
Do you have a job or are u a SAHM(stay at home mum)if so do you get money ie:are you allowed money for your clothes kiddies clothes,who pays for shopping etc....
Feel so jealous when you say yours is good with kids my bfriend hasnt had kids (mine are from my previous marriage)so he is learning to love them but it is the little things they r like me and need him to say "i love u "every so often not all the time but just sometimes i have remonded and asked him but he doesnt do it,also if they are upset about something like school or anything they have fallen over he doesn't hug them.is that just the way men are?i so want him to cuddle them as if they r his own but i get this feeling he cant.

OP posts:

hbbell · 02/05/2007 20:14

Yes i was a devorsed Mum of 1
He did not move in just stayed over 2 nights a week. Then He moved out of his mums and got a house of his own i then moved in with him. I did work for a bit in the evenings leaving him to put my DD to bed. We now have 3 kids my 1 + two with him. We are together becouse of how good he is with kids all kids. Some men are some just are not sorry did not meen to make you sad yust wanted you to know that i was talking from experience (how it was for me)

hbbell · 02/05/2007 20:18

oh and to totaly p... you I do all the shopping get what i want. Budget pay the bills etc all with his wadges as long as there is food in house and all bills are payed he's happy. (gets bit grumpy with the christmas over spend oops() He has a play station and is happy to stay in with us(think thats quite rare)

hbbell · 02/05/2007 21:54

sorry not trying to upset you i just think you do need to think very cairfully I had a very bad time with hub 1 and fell into another bad relationship after that i had to learn to like me how to get by on my own just tuffen up. And to a point get the trust of myDD back so she new she was always safe at home some where she could relax and be her self. after all that i met my nowDh when i had stoped looking and was just ok getting by (on a shoe string) It worked out well AT last i was lucky.

Original poster

notnuftime · 02/05/2007 22:14

thanks hbbellx do you work now? i was divorced mum of 2 then had v bad relationship now i am on this one it seems better than others,he likes staying in watchin tv we dont go out not into pubs and clubs so we have same interests its just the money and the commitment,i want more kids with him but when i mention it he goes onto talk about somethin else.I can totallly see his side he still has bills at his house to pay plus he is paying for things here and he doesnt have a great job so it is difficult.you so lucky!When we go food shopping i put in trolley what we need he doesnt say anything about the amount till later when i have put some basic item clothes in for kids he expects money back for them.I pay out of my benefits for his clothes my clothes,kids clothes,the utility bills:gas,electric,water,phone,any trips for school that have to be paid,new shoes for kids,tv licence,pocket money,any extras we didnt get in weekly shop,he pays for the weekly shop.hmmm is that soo wrong?

OP posts:

hbbell · 03/05/2007 18:07

No i'm not working at the mo DS is only 15 months so i'm at home with him. Money Has never been a problem (as in made us fight) we just use what we have cairfully on who ever needs it and once in a blue moon there is bit left over. If you lived together properly council tax etc would be better as you would only have one home.. .. Godif money is his prob you should start charging him for washing powder elec water and time spent doing these jobs cooking cleaning or what ever. If he takes you he takes on the kids tooo That counts new school shoes.. All our monies go in one big pot and every ones stuff comes out that pot. If we have big bill no one gets stuff, till we next can aford it. :-)

Original poster

notnuftime · 04/05/2007 10:50

LOL........ thanks hbbell
that would shut him up if i charged for doin the washing etc........
will let you know how it all goes but he has said he is going to take a week of work to do his house up to sell it or i move in there and he put an extension on it but that house is where he had love nest with his ex so i would feel funny livin there!I asked him when he is going to sell it that got a bit tense cause he said it woudlnt happen overnight i said im not thick i know that and he just said we will see.If we r going to move to a new area we need to do it now while the kids are young so they can settle in new school.

OP posts:

hbbell · 04/05/2007 20:12

ex love nest not so bad if you can decorate to your taste. (take your own bed though..)
I think the law for house sellers changes in June so to avoid extra costs he would be sensible to put it on fast (but he can cheque this) its to do with the survey and stuff

He might think its preasure but you do need to sort things out quickly so you dont get in bother.

hbbell · 04/05/2007 21:22

instruct before 1st june and you could save approx £600 said william h brown thing we got through door someting to do with home information packs (HIPs) law from june 1st 07

matilda57 · 15/05/2007 23:16

I've read through your thread notnuftime, but I can't see anywhere that he contributes to utilities bills etc. The only thing you say he does is wash up!! It doesn't sound like he's giving you any security at all, and is keeping you hanging on with the 'what's the rush' comments. Tbh I think he's in clover - you keep him warm in bed, you make his sandwiches, cook his tea... then he moans about a few cheapy things for the kids (and asks you to pay him back???). He doesn't sound very nice hun - sorry.

btw I don't think for a minute that you're after his money! ffs - you have to look at ingoings/outgoings. It's not fair of him to take without giving. It sounds like he's giving you barely anything.

Original poster

notnuftime · 16/05/2007 10:06

Thanks Matilda
My partner pays for the weekly shop he pays for the clothes for kids which i pay back as an when i can (being on benefits its hard to find spare cash!)ummm think that is it, oh hang on if we go to say a theme park or a day out somewhere (which is very rare we dont go anywhere anymore!)then he pays for the entrance fee and sometimes food when we are in there.Had another chat with him because i got angry with him over something silly ,i get soo tired all the time with fibro and my moods at the moment are horrid i shout at the kids all the time and i walked off and cause ofme walking off he hid my gluton free bread rolls which he said when he came home from work "well i paid for them!" so that gave him the right to hide them!!I think sometime he might get fed up of my "moods"and walk away i cant help getting fustrated!Asked him again about house has he done anything he didnt say anything to me.Is this relationship doomed?have i made another bad mistake?

OP posts:

Tinkerbel5 · 16/05/2007 13:06

notnuf him hiding rolls cause he paid for them and saying there is no rush too commit just shows he is very immature, your relationship may not be doomed, but I think you definately need to show you wont be a pushover. He does seem extrememly selfish and in a relation its 'whats yours is mine, whats mine is yours' which I dont think applies to your relationship. I think he is hoarding whats his whilst at the same time practically living at your house where you can get into trouble as you are receiving benefits, as I said before will he stick around if (when) you get caught ?

matilda57 · 16/05/2007 13:19

I also can't help wondering if this is an abusive relationship hun. He is taking a lot from you and giving nothing back. He's taking the p*ss tbh. HIding the gluten free bread rolls - 'I pay for them so I have a right to take them' - is a bit worrying tbh. You're struggling with kids, health, money and he's living a bachelor life under your roof, but taking the comforts you provide. Does he really not contribute to ANY of the bills?? I'd like to thump him tbh

Have a go at setting some boundaries here ie act as though you're VALUABLE and that anybody who has a slice of your life has to show they deserve it. Perhaps tell him he is jeopardising your benefits, is not contributing to your home (or life!!) and is a drain on everything. OK, you may not want to say it quite like that LOL, but definitely get that straight in your head babe. It sounds like he's taking you for a ride - don't let him! It might be that if you set some boundaries he might buck up a bit. He acts as though he's doing you a favour at the mo - the reality is that it is the other way around. X

matilda57 · 16/05/2007 13:31

ps It's no wonder you're "moody" notnuf!! I'm surprised you haven't sawn his car in half tbh. That would be pretty "moody" wouldn't it? He's taking a lot from you (have I said that enough already!) and that would make anybody irritable tbh!

Original poster

notnuftime · 16/05/2007 15:03

Hi Tink i asked him whether he would stick by me if i got caught and he didnt really respond
Thanks Matilda LOL that would be funny if possible to saw it in half!!and no, honest he doesn't pay any of the bills I pay them he has enough to pay cause he has to pay for his bills at his other house.On Fridays we have what we call a treat day for the kids we go to Mc Donalds and he used to pay for that but but now i pay for it.I ask him before we go out who is paying for the food and he says well he can't afford everything the food shopping and McDonalds so i pay for McD which leaves me with about 2 quid in my purse till Tuesday and it seems unfair cause he has his credit cards and he can buy what he wants when he wants but then i shouldn't say that it is his hard earned money
Sorry mums i just need a hug

OP posts:

matilda57 · 16/05/2007 15:08

((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

Original poster

notnuftime · 16/05/2007 18:00

awww thanks Matilda needed that

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