Mediation and emotional abuse

[Nikitasol]

Have had three sessions of mediation with EA ex to try to sort various issues. It has helped in some ways get clearer structure for DC but it's just so horrible being in same room as him. All that trauma comes flooding back and just the way he phrases things (in an oh so charming way) make me shake.

In the most recent session I asked to reduce his contact from two nights a week to one night Pw as he barely had him at all last year and suddenly having him much more has massively affected our child. He's in a really bad way. He's 4, anxious and deeply unhappy. He's acting it all out by hitting and kicking me but saying 'I'm cross with you for making me go to daddy's'.

Although the mediator is aware of the background I don't think she really gets it as he is so charming but it feels like each session sets my recovery from the trauma back months.

I'm thinking of stopping mediation for that reason but I'm not sure the form for it. Should I contact her and flag these up and ask for suggestions, suggest one more and that's it (even though I really don't want to) or ask if I can bring an advocate? I'm not sure how to proceed.

I had advice too from a domestic abuse charity who said they never advise mediation in cases of EA and that they just recommend court for sorting access out. I really really want to avoid court if at all possible..I don't think I can cope with more stress and the impact on dc would be grim. But confused about the way forward.

I texted mediator in Friday to say thanks for managing us and got this reply which made me think she doesn't understand what is actually going on.

'Thanks x. it must have been very difficult for you too. I have to say that most dads I have worked with would have never reduced their time or listened to the Mum like ex listened to you, dc is lucky to have you two working so hard for him. See you in a month. Take care of yourself.'

Ex wouldn't say he's been EA obviously so it's impossible to address that with him but the horrible comments and the insinuations are deeply distressing.

What should I do?!

This is exactly why it's not recommended to have mediation or counselling with abusive partners.

I'd speak to women's aid in your shoes.

Apologies for incredibly long post!

Thanks @luxurywoman

I am currently going through court with a similar ex who wants contact with son. What ever I do he always charms his way with everyone and makes everyone believe he's this nice person. He harassed me for 2 years and is very controlling. I would have preferred mediation but he refused. So now being dragged through awful court case. I feel for you and your child but I would try to keep out of the courts. It's very difficult to fight against a narcissist.

There is another option. You can do shuttle mediation where you are in separate rooms. More expensive and not all mediators may offer it but it's worth looking into.

I did mediation early on with my ex. Refused later. Reducing any contact with you to minimum is best for your recovery.

I had a similar experience in mediation. I told her about the abuse but he must have given her his sob story and it felt like she unwittingly colluded with him. It was awful and I felt bullied and helpless.

I was very reluctant to go either to mediation again or to court. It ended up in court and that did actually help in some ways despite being stressful, but before that we had mediation with a man and it was better. I don't think he was so easily fooled or charmed and I felt he protected me from some of the unreasonable behaviour.

I left mediation feeling like the baddie which was how he made me feel in the relationship and how he's coming across now. He's very popular, everyone loves him and no one has any idea of the EA apart from my friends and family..his wouldn't have a clue..obviously helped by telling people I'm mad of course.

I've spent all weekend sobbing and having to take sleeping pills to get some rest.. feel like a nervous wreck

There are also mediators who work in pairs. Again more expensive but designed to feel less like any bias.

It will get better. You will get stronger. His control over you will get less and less.

Shuttle mediation or court. What do you still need to resolve?

Thanks @mumtetum it's been a year nearly and still feel horribly broken. Of course he's off having a whale of a time with shiny new well paid job, out partying and a younger woman whilst I do bulk of care and still come out of it looking like a villain.. we live in a very small city where everyone knows everyone's so hearing the whispers about how unreasonable etc I am being.

Although court seems scary, if he's EA he might want to put you through that anyway and the mediation will have been a waste of time.

Whether it gets resolved in mediation or court, be really thorough and think before you go in about exactly what you want, why it's best for your DC and where you are willing to compromise.

At least with a court order you have something that in theory he has to stick to. I found my ex didn't feel he had to go along with anything agreed in mediation.

Thank you. I'm going to get some more advice but thinking not to go again. Has anyone taken an advocate into mediation before?

I've just stopped attending mediation in similar circumstances (EA ex, 3 sessions in, main topic child contact), I just announced halfway through our last session that I didn't think we were achieving anything and i was paying all this money and travelling all this way simply to enable my ex to continue to abuse me. At the end i just said i wouldnt be coming back and he could take me to court. It was quite empowering (if totally scary!). I think the abuser manipulates everything around to their agenda in mediation and hopefully the courts wont stand for it. Hope you find the best way forward x

More power to you @newmumintown. I was terrified of meditation to start with, let alone court. Couple of years down the line and I recently self repped. That really was empowering. Judge was kind in that he def gave me lea way to say what I wanted to.

Final hearing soon. Scarey but I am at peace with it.

Just wondering if I stop going to mediation will my ex take me to court? Is that a given?

I was speaking to a friend about giving up mediation (she's been through the mill with it all herself a while back). She's counselled against stopping mediation for the following reasons. Could you have a read and let me know your thoughts. X

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I'm so sorry you feel so shit. Our mediation came to an end naturally as we discussed and agreed everything there was to eventually (admittedly this was made a lot easier as he split up with new gf during the process and it meant that he was able to look at things and DS needs more objectively).

I know that doesn't help how you feel right now though. We can talk about it more next Friday but if you were able to hold off cancelling mediation until then then we can have some proper time discussing it all

. My gut reaction is that you're allowing him to take power over you and the situation. Sorry not what you want to hear. I know how it feels - I felt the same for a long time (a number of years) and I became so entangled in it all and couldn't see a way out. However, I also realised that I didn't want to feel a victim anymore and that meant working on myself & through the process to feel more empowered.

Every situation is different & it may be that going down the court root is your preferred & right option. I guess though that they will look at whether they consider DC to be in an abusive situation with ex. As hard as it is to hear, I don't know whether they would.

It could end up being a really lengthy and very expensive process. You'd need to seek legal advice (it cost me £1000 just with the solicitor and to be honest wasn't much help) - I didn't really have grounds as such for court it transpired.

Again they focus on the child's needs and not on how I was feeling. They're used to dealing with kids who are suffering neglect etc...even though I found ex abusive to me the solicitor weren't really concerned about that.

From my understanding, before you go to court they insist now on mediation - that's why I went down that root on the advice of the solicitor.

As I say every situation is different and you may well decide that court is the route but again I'm not sure what grounds you'd have or what you'd get out of it.

I'd be tempted to go back to mediation and say to ex face to face that you want to work as best with him to get the best outcome for DC but if he swears at you etc...that makes it hard to do. I imagine he's feeling pretty powerless as he's not getting his own way.

There was something really powerful about me being able to put down boundaries with ex face to face - to show him that I wasn't scared of him anymore and that I was able to stand up to him.

Again I'm sorry as I know this may feel like a mile off what you're feeling/able to do. But try not to get entangled in how he makes you feel, try and focus more on how you want to feel. More in control, more empowered, whatever it is you want to feel (the opposite of how you do feel).

Just aware that life is going to keep throwing this at me until I manage not to get entangled and not react like a victim. Sorry bit waffly and not very clear and I don't think it may be what you want to hear.

I have just skimmed your friend’s thoughts.

Couple of quick points and I'll come back later.

You or your ex can apply for a child arrangements order. Not sure about grounds other than you can state mediation has not worked.

If you use a solicitor it will cost a fortune but you can also represent yourself. It depends how complicated your issues are.

Only you are in a position to know if your ex will take you to court. Whether he has the money or the will.

What you get out of court is an order. An agreement made in mediation can't be enforced. To my mind, mediation is completely pointless unless both parties can be reasonable. I couldn't reason with my ex. It's not possible.

Thank you @mumtedum