Oh where do I start
Firstly me: disabled, chronic pain, surgical procedures every two months, unable to work, have my son 4 days 4 nights a week, separated from ex when child was 18 months
My son: 11yrs 12 in April, adopted, suffered heroin and drug abuse in the womb, has emotional, social and behavioural problems at home and school, has school support
When my son started junior school (yr3) it was noted that hos behaviour and attitude was different to his peers, by yr4, his behaviour worsened to walking out of class, yelling no at teachers, refusing to do work, yr5 proceeded to get worse and yr6 was a year from utter hell, complete refusal to do work, lots of violent and volatile behaviour, no friends etc. In his yr4 I had a significant accident which rendered me disabled, in and out of hospital, and unable to work, this coincided with moving home and my son's behaviour worsened.
He shows zero remorse, he is compulsive liar and has lied since he was small, he is intensely manipulative, scarily so, never talks about what he's done or has a reason why, and just does what he wants when he wants to, regardless of repercussions, no behaviour management or consequences work, he is extremely emotional and doesn't seem to learn the lesson not to do it again.
I used to be a very calm and proactive mum, following jo frost parenting, time out, talk about it, hug it out. My ex was the one who was short tempered, angry and fierce. Around yr5, I changed my style to be like this.
He was given a counsellor. Hes had a counsellor twice. Cahms have been involved, Dr's have been involved, my life is spent taking to school sencos and teachers.
Recently the last few months it's taking him 2-3hrs to go to sleep, and he let's me know about it, getting up 5-10 times an hours, whining, crying, shouting at me. I have given in, ignored him, shouted at him, been kind and understanding, used lavender spray, magnesium baths, and last night, after having horlicks once, screamed for 4 hours till 11:30pm that he "needed his horlicks" and that it was part of his routine and he couldn't sleep without it. I lost it, I told him I would be calling social services because I can't cope anymore, I know I know, I feel wretched and heartbroken, though it worked, he went to bed and fell asleep - I messaged my ex, who I've been telling for months, since last year that I wasn't coping. I've been recovering from surgery and I have to have him because my ex can't due to work.
Today after trying to talk to him in the car, and him giving me attitude, I told him to get out and walk to my exes, drove round the corner and pulled up, rang my ex and said, I've done this, I can't cope, I'm exhausted, I feel like I'm going insane.
Consequently my ex is going to have our son for the next two weeks to give me time to get my shit together.
Please, I don't know what to do anymore, I want to change our relationship, I want to have a happier life, I am miserable being his mother, it makes me not want to be a mum. He has admitted to me and my ex that he acts differently here, worse, and he gives me more attitude here, and is behaves worse here but can't say why. It feels awful to know that. I believe being his mum is my calling and I love him fiercely, I would die for that child, but after years of lying, manipulation and persistent behaviour and emotional issues, I just don't know what to do anymore. I just keep thinking this is me, it's my fault. I do know one of my problems is talking at him when telling him off, how would I combat this?
Please be gentle I'm really struggling with this right now.