I've stopped contact..

[newchapterforme]

Hiya! Usually on relationships but would just like some perspective...

My ex and I have been separated for a year now. We share a 3yo DS. Part of the reason we split is that ex has always been involved with a group that are not good for him, hold things over him and basically run his life. One man in particular. He was at his beck and call all throughout our relationship and despite several promises to get out of this man's life it never happened.

The first few months of last year were awful with ex coming and going as he pleased to see DS. Then DS and I moved into a new house and after lots of let downs, not turning up, literally dropping off the radar we came to an arrangement of Monday evening, Thursday evening and Sunday morning visits at our home because he is living on a friend's sofa and has no money to take DS out anywhere.

Anyway, in September my wheel on my car was slashed and my passenger door scratched. Had no cctv so couldn't prove anything although I know it was ex and the men he's involved with. DS hasn't coped too well recently with ex letting him down and as such for the last few weeks I have told ex that things need to change and coming for one hour two evenings a week is no good for DS. He said the men he's involved with are still controlling his life and he can't do more than that because he has to do things for them. It came to light last week drugs are involved in this group of men ex is involved with and so I said I didn't want this being brought to my door and that if things didn't change he was not to come.

Then this morning I awoke to all 4 of my tyres slashed and another scratch on my bonnet. I called ex and he said he didn't know what had happened and to stop calling him. I called the police etc but again nothing could be done. I know it was the group ex is involved with. Why I do not know. Advised ex that I told him I didn't want this at my door and that it's his issue he has brought to me. I have told him that I no longer feel safe to have him in the house and around DS and so until he has sorted his issues he is no longer welcome and not to come near the house.

I have always wanted DS and ex to have a relationship but we are now being targeted because of his choices. If his son is not enough to get these men out of his life and to be a good dad then nothing ever will be will it?

Do you think I have done the right thing?

It’s hard to pick your way through your post.

You say you know it’s your EX’s friends but can’t prove it. Is the dad facilitating these attacks on you? Is he part of it? If so then that’s wrong. But the attack is targeted at you and not the child so why should the child suffer?

If he isn’t part of it, then I think it’s cruel to stop contact. Your child has a right to see his dad and you are stopping that right. Think about it this way..... if the child lives with his dad and the dad stopped you seeing him how would you feel?

If this went to court judges are very pro contact and it will be frowned upon that you have stopped contact. It isn’t for you to control and dictate. The child is as much the dads as yours. Of course if there are safety or safeguarding issues that’s different.

You do need a schedule that the dad sticks to. If you can’t agree that between you you need to formalise it and go to court.

My ex either did the attack on my car himself or the men he is involved with did it to send a message to ex. I'm not sure. All I know is I have been targeted and don't feel safe in my own home.

Ex does not have a house, he sofa surfs. He knows the men he is involved with are dangerous, and has admitted drugs are now involved. I have told him repeatedly I do not want this at my door and have begged him to pull away so he can have a relationship with his son but he refuses me make any changes and wants everyone to pick up the pieces around him

Ex only sees DS at my house as per old arrangement. Due to the drugs and attacks on my car, plus what he has told me is happening, I do not feel safe having him at my house and therefore he has nowhere to see DS and until he has sorted his issues he isn't allowed to take DS anywhere.

I will be going through the court and I don't want him to not have a relationship with DS but he is currently not willing to make any changes in his life to keep DS safe. His problems are dragging everyone down.

I think that yanbu.

You are not unreasonable to say that you don't want drugs, threats of violence etc at your door. If my ex was involved, I'd tell him to stay away too. You don't want criminal activity affecting your son's life.

Since he hasn't got a place to look after his son, surely he's unlikely to take the legal route? Also won't social services consider you an unfit mother and investigate you if you encouraged a criminal to hang out with your innocent son? I know that fathers who take drugs can get contact, but I certainly wouldn't allow someone like that in my home.

Yes definitely! I cannot stand criminals and your ex is putting these cretins before his child. Do you feel safe? I certainly wouldn't.

YANBU

'why should the child suffer?' what a ridiculous thing to say. A child suffers when its mother is harassed and attacked. I dont understand people who try and separate these things. How can a relationship with a man who causes or allows the childs mother to be treated like that be in any way beneficial to the child? Not to mention the issues of actual safety for the child. What if he were to witness this? The constantly being let down is also another massive issue. These will have lasting psychological impact on any child. I dont think children should have a relationship with their father at any cost. Sometimes if someones attempts at parenting are causing more harm than good then its best to let it go.

It doesnt sound like this man is even making any sort of an effort to become a decent father. Until he does then I would cut contact.

Thanks for replying.

I really was starting to doubt myself but you have reiterated my thoughts. He is not a decent father. He refuses to make any changes. Refuses to see him for longer than an hour a time. Won't pay me a penny towards him, stating that he doesn't have any money at all. Well I wonder why?!

I don't feel safe here, and I certainly don't feel safe with him around DS currently. I really hope things will change because I don't want to deny a relationship between them but I shouldn't have to fight for DS to have a decent relationship with his dad or to not have my belongings and livelyhood attacked because of the choices he has made!

Thanks again for your comments!

Are you safe though OP, what is this gang capable of? What might your ex do if you do stop contact? Perhaps ring Women's Aid for some advice as these 'men' know where you live.

NorthernSpirit

Most idiotic post I've ever read!

Can you move or are you trapped with a contract? If you have a private landlord would they be able to move you to another of their properties. This man is making no effort to protect you and his son, actually he’s making you unsafe. Personally I would move and go no contact. If he wants to see his son, he can go through court. This situation has the potential to become very unsafe for you.

Unfortunately moving isn't an option currently, and I love my home which is even more frustrating!

I didn't even think of ringing Woman's Aid. I will definitely do this.

I know I've done the right thing but I feel incredibly guilty at the same time. How do you explain to a 3yo what's going on and console him when he wants to see his Daddy?!

What a waste of space ex is.

Is there the option of a contact centre? You are surely not under any obligation to allow him access to your home, I think you're totally correct that the current arrangement can't carry on and I would pursue some sort of supervised contact somewhere neutral. I would be terrified in your position, but I think if you can at least show that you're willing to allow some sort of contact, then it can't come back and bite you later if he tries to plead that you've not been letting him see his child. Although he really doesn't sound like he deserves the chance..

I don't think he would pursue anything, he's not even called or text to see how DS is however I have been looking at local contact centres today. They are limited times so whether he would turn up is a different matter but I may look further into it.

I really want to get a residency order in place but do we have to go through mediation before I can apply for it?

We tried mediation previously, he didn't turn up, but I never got a certificate because ex never sent though the legal aid documents.

I feel very concerned for your safety after what has happened. You need to present to the police station and speak to them about harassment, because that is what these two incidents are along with criminal damage. Make them listen. If you are not being taken seriously say you want to make a formal complaint. I don't want to frighten you but women are killed by their partners and ex partners and it may escalate.

Thanks Jon, completely understand what you are saying. If I just turned up at a police station would that be OK?

There has been no further incidents and I am taking some legal advice tomorrow in how to move forward.

Can you get some CCTV up where your car is? I know you can get some decent cameras for not too much money...realistically, unfortunately, the police won't act on hearsay. If you can get a discreet camera up to catch them you are golden.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, having your ex at your house has directly resulted in you being targeted. That's out of order. If your ex won't pull away from his little gang, it shows his priorities really. I'd make it really clear to him; he wants contact, it is done in a contact centre where DC can be kept safe.

Op I would be concerned with the escalation from one tyre to four tyres, what would be next?

You really do need to get the police to listen.

@newchapterforme couldn't not post on this thread!! Just wanted to say you are doing absolutely the right thing in protecting your DS putting him first and keeping him safe - unlike your twat of an ex!!!! Also another vote for trying to get some cameras somewhere, very discreetly! Could even be in your window pointing to the driveway/car if possible? Don't know your property setup. Just keep on keeping on. You're doing great

Get help from the police, they surely must have a gang related section or specialist advisor. You might need to keep chasing them up. It is safeguarding when a child is at risk from violent gang members. Do you have somewhere safe to go stay for a while with a relative or friend? Offer contact centre visits. If he doesn't turn up that's just more evidence you are trying to put the needs of the child first. Look after you and your child first. Sounds like he's in a very scarey position himself, and in no way able to protect your child. if it were me I would be putting miles between him and yourselves. That's not always possible I know...but please get help from local women's center, police and social care. You deserve happiness and security, and so does your child. Noone should have to go through what you are doing x

@occams, yes that is what concerns me also!

Nothing more has happened, but I haven't been parking at home. I have a camera and security light going up this weekend.

I have spoken to ex and he said he understood why I was doing what I was doing and he agreed there was a danger to DS. However he is now hounding me about contact with him as its been 4 weeks. I have told him when he makes healthy changes that mean he can have a sustainable relationship with DS we can discuss things but he won't accept it.

On top of this I have so much guilt when DS is crying for his daddy. It's really hard work!

I have spoken to a lawyer and taken advice and she said that I am currently doing everything I should so that made me feel slightly better.

Thanks for the messages I am following all the advice.

police should patrol your house to, they can drive past throughout the night while on their rounds. Keep an eye on you.get a panic button fitted too, theres lots options they should be advising you on. Xx

Hi everyone,

Just thought I would update as I am struggling a bit.

There has been no further attacks on my car or the house. CCTV is now up and running. Police have advised to keep a log and call them again if anything happens which I am doing.

Ex still has not seen DS. The reason for this is absolutely no changes have been made by him to show that he wants to put DS' welfare first. He is still around these horrible people and I have been sent screenshots of ex trying to sell drugs to our mutual friends.

I don't really know how to move forward. Ex keeps sending abuse to me. I reply every time with "when you can provide DS with a stable environment and where there is no danger we can talk about access". I've mentioned contact centres. He replied saying they aren't open on the day he is free.

He hasn't offered a penny, which honestly doesn't bother me. It just feels like absolutely no effort is being made, he is just waiting for me to back down.

He is now living with a girl he met online.

I get free over the phone legal advice through my work and they have said to carry on as I am, but I am just struggling with the guilt I guess. Also the fact that I can't get on with my life properly either.

You are protecting your son, please do not take on the guilt of his inadequencies as your own