How to explain they won't be seeing their father

[curlywurly35]

Hi,
I've recently gone through a long and difficult 3 years of separation. My children were 1 and 4 when I left heir father, now 5 and 8. Over the past three years there has been turmoil, a challenging court case and sporadic contact with their father, namely because of his fluctuating mental health and drug/alcohol use issues. As you can imagine, this has caused the children no ends of drama. They have seen him every 6 weeks or so, sometimes breaks in contact have been longer though so they're used to him coming and going although it's not been without tears and frustrations to them. He has used a lot of negative language and behaviour toward them about me (he will never stop hating me I fear).
Very recently, after his complete disengagement with the courts, the courts have decided the order will be dissolved. I know him well...this is his way of walking away. For many reasons I won't go into, including safety and welfare, he will never get access again unless he opens up a fresh court case in the future.

My question is, to anyone in a similar situation, how have you explained to your children that dad won't be around at all?

He could get access in the future if he sorts himself out and you ‘allow’ it. The children have a right to see their dad and you should keep the door open for the future in case they wish to see him. I wouldn’t close the contact down completely. It’s upto him to make the effort.

I'd explain to them that Dad isn't well right now and that until he is he can't look after them.

Then take them to the park. Lot's of hugs and fun.

I would tell them that dad is making really bad choices, and children need to always be with adults who make really good choices. I would also perhaps explain that as dad has ALWAYS made bad choices ("like that time when X happened") he probably isn't going to stop, so when they are grown up and don't need anyone to look after them, they can be friends with Dad then but he can't be near children.

And then buy them an unBirthday cake and let them blow candles out for an hour because it's such a shitty thing to have to say

I have told my son that daddy has gone away from us, as he is not suitable to be in our lives at the moment (also drugs & alcohol).
I have made sure that he knows that his daddy loves him very much and that, if he works very hard he can be in his life again.
You just have to trust that your doing the right thing for your children and one day they will understand too.
It's so so hard but it's worse for children to have instability in their lives.
I think your right to close the doors to access. If he wants it enough to sort himself out then he can open the court case again. Until then you need to protect your children from any emotional damage.
Stay strong!