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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Not sure who is in the right here...

25 replies

pipnchops · 16/01/2018 17:59

...or if it's just a tricky situation that can't be resolved. I'll try and be brief. Parents of two children break up very amicably when children are very young. Both remarry. Children live predominantly with mum and become family unit with new dad and half sibling. Dad and new wife don't have any more children, enjoy nice holidays and focus on work and hobbies. Dad sees children when it suits. Then Mum breaks up with new partner. Children are now teenagers. Mum wants dad to help more with children now she's single again and gets very angry when he can't because of work commitments (freelance so not 9-5). Basically mum now wants dad to look after children every other weekend and when he can't she thinks it's his responsibility to find someone else to look after them. Her mother helps out a lot with looking after the children but their dad's mother is not so keen to help out, she prefers to see children when it suits her not have them thrust on her. She is basically very angry about always being asked to look after her grandchildren when her son can't and bending my ear off about how unreasonable the mum is being trying to palm her kids off every other weekend. Dad is getting very stressed about this but stuck between a rock and a hard place. Just curious what others think and if anyone has had a similar situation and how it can be resolved.

OP posts:
ArnoldBee · 16/01/2018 18:03

To be fair every other weekend is not a big ask to look after your own children. It is not the grandparents responsibility to look after the children either.

Original poster
pipnchops · 16/01/2018 18:06

His job is very unpredictable as he's freelance and he gets offered jobs at very last minute, so a more flexible arrangement suited him better which is what they had but now that doesn't suit her. To him and his mum that's not fair.

OP posts:
DancesWithOtters · 16/01/2018 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tiredmum100 · 16/01/2018 18:09

Why did the father only see them when it suited him? Seems very selfish. Every other weekend isn't a lot. They are his responsibility.

user1493413286 · 16/01/2018 18:11

How often did you have the children before? I think every other weekend is fair to be honest but also with some flexibility based on work but surely that doesn’t happen constantly or can be planned better. It’s not grandparents role to have the children and what is the Mum supposed to do other than get support from the children’s dad.

Rudgie47 · 16/01/2018 18:14

I'd have said every weekend was about right for the Dad to look after the kids.As they are now teens they shouldnt need a lot of looking after as such. Dad needs to step up.

egginacup · 16/01/2018 18:14

I would say EOW is totally reasonable. What was the situation before, he just had them when it suited him? Surely if they are teenagers they don’t need to be “looked after” as such, so he could still do some work from home or pop out for a few hours, unless he lives far away?

He must appreciate surely that the Mum has done the lions share for this long and now that her situation has changed he needs to step up.

BrokenPogoStick · 16/01/2018 18:18

EOW is VERY reasonable. They’re dads children too. He can’t just see children when it suits him.

Original poster
pipnchops · 16/01/2018 18:21

Just to be clear it's not me, I'm a friend of the grandmother's (dad's mother) but finding it hard to listen to her moan about the mum when I kind of see the mum's point. It seems like almost every other weekend she is asked to have her grandchildren for at least one of the nights and she almost always says no. She thinks the children are teenagers now and get bored at her house and she doesn't see why their mum can't look after them if her son is working, or if mum wants to go out she could leave the kids home alone or get a baby sitter.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 16/01/2018 18:22

Teenagers how old ? Surely they don't need looking after as such ? What does mum want to do on the eow?
The situation was accepted before.
Mum was happy with it before
It s not dad s fault mum is now single parent. She should have insisted from beginning on eow.

A few years and dc will be gone anyway.

Of course dad should want them eow but it s not his fault mum is single and mum should have insisted years ago on eow and made it a routine up to now.

Original poster
pipnchops · 16/01/2018 18:26

They're 16 and 14. Grandmother is only speculating but thinks the issue is that mum wants to spend every other weekend with her new boyfriend and doesn't want kids around.

OP posts:
FitBitFanClub · 16/01/2018 18:33

I don't see that what the Mum wants to do with her time is relevant, actually.

pallisers · 16/01/2018 18:36

poor kids.

Your friend's issue is with her son who is a lousy father and is dumping his kids with his elderly mother.

Original poster
pipnchops · 16/01/2018 18:36

Nor do I. I lean towards thinking the son needs to step up but dare not say that to my friend. Tonight I suggested son still has them when he's working but leaves them home alone at his house. She shot me down and continued to say mum was being unreasonable trying to palm off her kids!

OP posts:
ArnoldBee · 16/01/2018 18:40

I would say Dad is being unreasonable on getting Grandmother to do his job. Clearly Grandmother is looking at the person.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 16/01/2018 18:43

Like everyone else I don’t think EOW is very much and the dad should find alternative supervision- is he actually away overnight or working at night on those weekends? Is his wife not around? (Yes it’s not her actual responsibility but it’s normal to help each other out) At those ages I would feel they need some sort of supervision at night but not really much during the day- it’s not like they are young children.

Original poster
pipnchops · 16/01/2018 18:44

Dad has no-one else he could ask to look after them so would need to turn down work if it happens to come up on weekends he's supposed to have thechildren. So he's very stuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
pipnchops · 16/01/2018 18:46

He works away overnight and his wife will not look after them. Does not think it's her responsibility.

OP posts:
AmberTopaz · 16/01/2018 18:48

Poor kids Sad

Original poster
pipnchops · 16/01/2018 18:50

I know. Grandmother assures me they are unaware of all this going on but I find that hard to believe. It's very sad.

OP posts:
BrokenPogoStick · 16/01/2018 19:35

I think at the end of the day the dad needs to have his kids. I’m sure the mum has had a few days off work if the kids have been ill etc so I’m sure he can from time to time.

AutumnalTed · 16/01/2018 19:38

You can’t “palm” off your kids on their other parents? Dad needs to step the hell up and realise that mums been doing all the work so he could enjoy holidays

BewareOfDragons · 16/01/2018 19:47

Dad should be doing more. Surely mum has to work out childcare when she's working, has other things on, etc., so why shouldn't he when it's his turn to have them?

Dad's an arsehole. Imagine, he thinks it's his 'right' to only have his own children when it suits him, but it's a 'responsibility' for their mother to keep them and sort them out entirely around her own AND HIS schedule.

BewareOfDragons · 16/01/2018 19:49

He's 'very studk'???

Well so is she! But apparently that's ok since they're her kids ... um, wait...

Original poster
pipnchops · 16/01/2018 21:34

I agree, I just wish I could make his mother see so she'd have words with him and try and get him to see it too.

OP posts:
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