Hi,
Not really sure why I'm posting this as there isn't a solution. But think I just need to say out loud that I'm lonely. I'm entering my fifth year of being a single parent which as you know means most of the time I'm home alone whilst little ones are in bed. Housebound, just the TV for company, night and night, week after week, month after month, year after year. And I don't see an end to it.
In some ways I'm so lucky. The first few years of my separation/divorce were fine. My kids were all I needed initially whilst I pulled myself together after hubby walked out when kids were very, very little. There was someone else involved - he's still with her and tbh there is no longer any bitterness or resentment and I genuinely wish him well.
I got through the dark times by being grateful for what I had, I do have friends but they all have kids and also spend their evenings at home looking after their kids.
I've found myself constantly on FB and Instagram - I never used to be so dependant on it but when I've asked myself why I think it's for connection with the outside world - sounds so sad.
I do work part time, I love my job. My kids do spend time with their dad so I do have free time to go out and I'm lucky enough to even have some disposable income to be able to go out. I know I'm so much better off than other single parents, but this loneliness I'm experiencing is getting worse and every single night I'm beginning to get really down about it. I can't see it ending. I've one relationship which lasted approx six months but sadly it ended due to circumstances. I'm so sad about it because I miss him, he was a great guy but mostly because I'm so chuffing lonely and miss having someone to share my news with. For example have been to the cinema with the kids today and have no one to tell about it so I've posted it on FB just to share it. Sad, sad, sad. I'll be losing FB friends left, right and centre soon.
I think maybe I'm just ultra ready for a relationship but my goodness - how are you supposed to meet someone in your lounge 12 nights out of 14. I've done the online thing and my god that is brutal. I know I haven't been beaten with the ugly brush and my profile has been viewed many, many times, but it's awful knowing people have a look at how you 'sell yourself' (for want of a better expression) and don't message or send a smile or whatever. So I've binned online dating because my self esteem couldn't take any more bashing.
I just can't imagine spending the next year sitting in my house on my own night after night. I busy myself with jobs constantly (my house is super clean and organised - not because I'm naturally like that but because it gives me something to do in an evening). I'm learning to speak Spanish - again to give me something to and I do yoga DVDs to pass the time. But all of these things I do by myself.
The thought of feeling like this year after year fills me with dread. Not sure I can tbh. I've considered selling up and taking the kids out of school to travel round the world for a year but they'd lose their place at school and it's not really the right thing to do for them. Obviously that isn't the answer anyway as when we'd return I'd be in the same boat. Also considered giving the ex full custody and travelling the world solo- but considering I miss them millions when they're with their dad that won't be happening either (plus I could never, ever do that to them).
Anyway, like I said I know no one can offer any advice but I think I just needed to get how I'm feeling off my chest but can't say it to any of my friends or family. No way do I want anyone's pity - I've done a good job of convincing everyone I'm happy - and in most respects I am, but just very, very lonely and basically worried about my future.
I'm not suicidal or anything but if I knew I wasn't going to wake up tomorrow I'd be relieved. I just can't imagine feeling like this for much longer and I worry a lot about being on my own forever.