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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Feeling a little like shit

16 replies

Louw12345 · 12/01/2018 16:43

My ex text me today asking if the kids had anything nice to wear for a christening tomorrow. I told him they only really have leggings and tops mostly (what they like to wear) and afew dressey dresses but no shoes to match. He said can I put them in a bag he will buy shoes etc. I said I will speak to the kids and go from there.

Anyway all 3 kids are different, I asked them what they would like to wear only because I want them to feel comfortable. 1 picked a dressey dress something that you would wear to a wedding or special party. 1 picked a causal outfit skirt top and Cardi and 1 picked her usual top and leggins.

When he came for them he asked what they had so told him, pulled his face and said to them your going to a christening your ment to dress smart.

I was so hurt by what he said, in a way I felt like shit for not making them were something more dressy or shit for not having the money to buy them something nicer. Then I felt shit for them coz he said that to them.
For a while now iv told him he should be providing clothes for his house as it's easier for all but he never has and they stay in their 1 outfit they go in all weekend.

But for a do like this if I don't have something I shouldn't be made to. Feel like shit when I didn't even know till today.

Rant over

OP posts:

DontDIY · 12/01/2018 17:27

Don’t feel shit. On his contact time, such things are his responsibility.

Me and my ex swap smart stuff between us when need be, but he certainly doesn’t ever assume that it’s my responsibility to provide him with clothes and he asks me in plenty of time so that if I don’t have anything suitable, he can organise, and vice versa.

Tell him his reluctance to fulfil his role is not your fault and certainly not the kids fault and not to be so rude to you or them.

To clarify: your ex is a knob. 👍

DontDIY · 12/01/2018 17:33

Okay, might have been a bit hasty there, since he already said he’d get shoes, etc.

But it pisses me off to think a kid has to wear the same clothes all weekend because a parent won’t shell out for clothes for them.

He’s happy to have them in clothes you provide for them day to day, but is embarrassed by them for a christening because he’s worried by what others will think, as they’ll assume he has provided the outfits.

Original poster

Louw12345 · 12/01/2018 17:44

No not nasty at all. He hasn't bought them anything and in 2 years only started paying CM last last year.

Yes thats my point I stopped sending clothes when he stopped paying CM the last time as I felt like they needed lovely outfit's and I couldn't afford it especially when thwy wore their new trainers and he let them walk through puddles in them!

He knows the score with clothe's. I mean leggings and a nice top is fine, it's not like they are part of the Christening. He didn't help me out when our twins had their holy communion so I honestly don't understand why I let him get to me.

I do feel how his side is it's a reflection of me how they kids look but tbh I don't have the time or money to be buying the lasted outfits. Even party's they don't like wearing dresses for them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Louw12345 · 12/01/2018 17:46

I'm. Not well either been busy with uni and that so I think I'm just abit sensitive

OP posts:

mummypig14 · 12/01/2018 22:08

I can't believe they wear the same clothes all weekend that is awful! Whilst he should be providing clothes, if he didn't then I would send them some when they go, I couldn't let them suffer just because he's tight!

Can you not get a cheap multipack of leggings and t-shirts for them to take? Does that mean they dont even have fresh underwear?!

Original poster

Louw12345 · 12/01/2018 22:35

They have underwear and socks there and clothes from his family members. They say they stay in most of the time so are in their pjs. I have 5 children I struggle as it is making sure bills are paid and food in the fridge. I provide everything for them. He and his partner both have full times jobs and cant even be bothered to get them a cheap pack of leggings and afew tops. I sent th with tooth brushes wash stuff and hair brushes but they don't brush their hair coz they lost their brush and he/they won't find it. So do I supply I new brush again? I have sent clothes before and we didn't get them back for weeks coz he didn't see them for weeks.
I ask him all the time to provide the basics at his house. He can afford to buy take outs and go to mc Donalds and have another kid on the way but can't provide the basics them. Gosh I even used to send their tea so he couldn't get out of seeing them. I can't keep doing things like that thou really can I?

OP posts:

SpareASquare · 12/01/2018 22:52

If my children stay anywhere they take a change of clothes. Going to their dads is no different. I could never send them with no clothes KNOWING that's what they'd be in all weekend. I couldn't and wouldn't shame my children that way.

Honestly, I would have put them in the dressiest outfit they had and let him then decide on whether it was good enough. Certainly wouldn't have asked them. Just like I don't when WE go somewhere nice.

Dancetothebeat32 · 12/01/2018 23:03

I wouldn't be arsed one bit, it's not a reflection on you it's on him. He should have given more than one days notice to start asking for christening clothes my ex is exactly the same pays me nothing and does bare minimum when it comes to helping with school uniforms etc, I no longer send them in expensive items as I don't receive them back, put your foot down and tell him to start providing for the kids he already has

Original poster

Louw12345 · 12/01/2018 23:15

SpareASquare so if one of my kids dosent like wearing dresses I just put her in one anyway? I let my children have a choice of what they would like to wear as they are old enough to make that choice and not just be forced to wear something for show.

If I had enough time I could of had suggestions for them but I had been home 15 mins from picking them up from school which is 40 mins walks, while he was sat at home across the road from school. He will not pick them up as it means helping me out. So really tbh what am I expected to do run around stressing out coz he didn't have the decency to let me know earlier?

OP posts:

Original poster

Louw12345 · 12/01/2018 23:19

Dancetothebeat32 I know he just annoyed me with what he said. But over it now. I can't do everything for him he's a parent to and should be doing his bit

OP posts:

Dancetothebeat32 · 12/01/2018 23:35

Completely understand you have every right to be annoyed, you should remind that as they are his children too, he should be fully aware that they have their own views on what they like/don't like to wear, and again if he doesn't like it he has 2 options in future

Buy the outfits himself
Don't take them if they are such an embarrassment

You are obviously doing a great job bringing 5 kids up I wouldn't allow him or his significant other to piss on your parade.,,,,,,

ALSO maybe ask her to not put all her eggs in one basket as she could end up on her own with one of his children with no maintenance or contributions, I would be ashamed if I was her, I make sure my step kids mother receives maintenance every week and we contribute to school trips/clothes etc

SpareASquare · 12/01/2018 23:37

Meh. If they are 'old enough' to make that choice then they are old enough to know that you make some effort for certain events.
Like I said, they wear their dressiest, most appropriate for a nice event clothes, and then if still not good enough the father can deal with it by spending the $$.
So, no, you don't 'run around stressing out' but neither do you 'speak to the kids' and turn it into another point scoring exercise. Not worth it.

MadMags · 12/01/2018 23:43

Ach, I don't know.

CM aside, I wouldn't send my children to a christening in leggings and a top.

There are certain occasions that you dress smartly for, and IMO a christening is one of them.

You could have picked a nice outfit for them, explained to them that they were going somewhere special and should dress accordingly. I'm not sure why you didn't tbh!

Original poster

Louw12345 · 13/01/2018 07:08

Its nice outfit it's a smart grey top longer at the back with afew Jewls around the neck with black leggings and black boots. A dress does not always have to be worn to show your going to such an event. Times are different now and outfits that can be worn are different.

OP posts:

MadMags · 13/01/2018 09:39

Well you said “the usual” so I assumed it was fairly casual.

sparkler10 · 13/01/2018 09:46

He gave you one day notice that they were going to a christening? And expected you to magic up outfits? If he was that bothered, he should have sorted something out sooner. This is not your problem and you shouldn’t feel like shit.

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