How to explain an absent father to a 4 year old?

[newsparklythings]

Since DD was born 4 years+ ago, whenever the topic of dads has come up, I've redirected it, instead of saying 'you don't have a daddy' I've said 'well you have a mummy and I love you, and I do the work of a mummy and a daddy, and I love you very much, and we are a family...' etc

However..

Over Christmas, DD out of nowhere announced to me 'mummy, my daddy is dead'. I was shocked and speechless for a moment, then gently said 'no sweetie your daddy isn't dead, why do you think that?' - her response was 'I thought of it in my head'. She was welling up, and I was trying not to. At that point, I explained that everyone has a daddy, so she does to, but he lives far away and he is not part of our family. and And repeated what I've always said about loving her.

Does anyone else have experience of this and good phrases to use at this age?

I don't want DD to get upset, but I also don't want her to see her absent father as some mythical figure who might come over the horizon one day, as I feel she could be hurt in future by that sort of thing.

For context, I got pregnant having sex with a friend when contraception failed, he said he didn't want anything to do with it when I found out, I was beside myself. He then disappeared and would never have got in touch again. I sent my entire pregnancy in denial and in tears, I was a wreck. I found out where he was when DD was born and told him. I made it clear he could visit any time he liked, I wanted him to be in her if he wanted to be, for her sake. He lives about 200 miles away and is quite well off so could easily travel. He said he would at first then never did. I stopped sending weekly photos when she was 2. He deposits the minimum maintenance payment in my account once a month and that is it. He has 4 other kids that I know of from a failed marriage before DD. So I'm not holding out a lot of hope that he will suddenly become the father she sees other kids have.

Bumping for you - and I have a similar issue with my daughter who is 3, her older half-sister and half-brother are not currently in her life. I’d love to hear some ways to put a good spin on ‘they don’t want to see you’

This is very similar to my situation, my DD has the same questions at that age, as she started to realise other kids have mums and dads that live with them or they see regularly.

I covered it in a similar way to you, all families are different, mum loves you etc.

I told her her dad lived far away, she took this to mean he lived with Shrek in Far Far Away for a while

When she asked me why he didn't come to see her, I either said because it was far away or I didn't know.

I never ever said it was because I didn't know where he was (true) or because he was a compulsive liar and had abandoned her (also true) I wouldn't lower myself or be the one who kept her from him or bad mouthed him.

I met my now DH when she was 5 (she is 13 now) and we became a family where DH does all the things a Dad should do. She doesn't call him dad but she knows that's what he is.

There have been a few instances like the one you have described over the years which we have handled in our stride.

However I'm still waiting for her to ask me when she can go and find him (she does now know that I don't know where he is), and I'm dreading it.

Sounds like you are saying the right things, just keep reassuring her and that families are all shapes and sizes x

In my experience I couldn't find a good spin for 'they don't want to see you' so I went with 'I don't know'

I found this easier than getting tangled in a web of another follow on question which would inevitably lead to me making something up and then having to justify and keep it up for a long time.

It's inherent as a mother to want to have all the answers, sometimes we don't and it's ok not to

Yes I hear that. I guess my concern is that if I can’t give her a reason she may make up one for herself - and that may be negative (and wrong): “they don’t like me/I’m not good enough/I did something wrong”.

Thanks. Good to know I'm not the only one. marmite you are right, I want the perfect answer that will make my daughter happy and not hurt her, and there isn't one.

My Ds hasn’t seen his Dad since 3 , he is now 10 . I have said I don’t know or understand . I would walk over hot coals to see you . I have said he doesn’t know how to be a great dad . He doesn’t see his other son so it is important he understands it is about Dad not him . I also think it is in a way ok for them to get upset . They do need to grieve over the loss of a parent .

Just be honest. Kids are pretty good at spotting evasion. I told my ds I wanted a baby and someone helped me have one, but wasnt ready to be a parent themselves because its a big commitment.
This leaves things open for them to have a relationship in the future if the father has some kind of parental revelation, and instead of feeling rejected by his dad he considers himself very much wished for by me.
For the record I think ds’s father is a useless sack of crap but being angry or spiteful could well backfire later if they form a relationship so I keep it very clinical