With a man my kids would never approve off

[prowler4u]

Hi I split with the father of my kids 6 months ago. We were together 17years and he decided he didn’t love me anymore. My kids are 15 and 12. Well 4 months ago I started to hang out with 1 of his work colleagues who is also a friend. I have known him years cos of my ex. We are sort of in a relationship but it has to stay a secret as it would probably upset a lot of people. He works with my ex and they both work for my ex’s brother. He has started to develop strong feelings for me and I think I am for him too. Another problem is I’m not sure my kids will accept him. They don’t want me being with a man. They just want me to themselves. My ex did break my heart. I fell apart and to start with this man was just a shoulder to cry on. We have always got on well, he is so sweet and kind to me. My worry is I’m getting to the stage where I don’t want it t be a secret no more. I spoke to him about this and said it’s my decision. I’m at a loss of what to do as I don’t want to upset anyone. Do I keep it secret a bit longer until we are sure of where it’s going, do I tell people now or do I put a stop to it? Help

It's only been six months, I would definitely wait a while longer, your kids need to know they are your priority

Is he willing to lose his job? As that could definitely happen. I think you're rushing into things and need to take a step back.

It's too soon after such a long time with your ex. Appreciate it was his decision to end it but your children are your priority and need to feel this. Introducing someone who has a connection to your ex like that at the moment will only cause a lot of upset for them.

Way too soon.

Thank you. I get where you are all coming from. My kids are my number 1 priority. It don’t get in the way of me being mum as we only see eachother when kids aren’t around. He is great he even understands my kids come first. I have had to be the best mum I can be as their father don’t really bother to see them much. I see now it is too soon to introduce anyone into their lives. Do you think a relationship can stay a secret?

6 months is way too soon. If you want an honest opinion, 2 months after your marriage broke up, perhaps you should have ben focussing on your children and supporting them and then finding yourself again.

Perhaps in your situation I would leave things as they are for now. If in a few months you feel the same, and this man is very much a part of your life and you both see a future in it, then yes, tell everyone. At that point I would be inclined to sit the kids down and say "do you feel that mummy is always there for you and that you have my full support" if they say yes, then tell them who, how long, why and how it's going to be. Because children look to us as parents to make decisions, nothing good can come from allowing children to make serious wide ranging and fundamentally individually personal decisions over their parent's lives. I'm very much a relaxed parent who allows DCs to make their own choices over their lives, as an example I am no punishment/no reward parenting. But they also respect my autonomy and independence too. It works both ways. However DC's know without any doubt that I can juggle the need for a relationship with DP with their need for a relationship with me, but that in the final analysis they come first, always. As such I do not force impossible choices on them, they do not force arbitrary sacrifices on me. But 6m is far too soon.

I disagree with other posters. I think you have every right to see whomever you wish and be happy. Of course your children are your priority. But your happiness is important for both them and for you. Start by speaking to them and explaining that you love them but that you would also like to begin a relationship with a man. They are old enough to understand this even if they don’t like it. Explain that this will not mean that they will spend less time with you and that they will always be the most important people in your life.

I see now that my relationship with my ex was over long before he broke up with me. I gave up on myself to bring up my kids. Gave up on my career. I did everything for my ex he didn’t have to lift a finger. He went out drinking a lot while I stayed with kids but I didn’t mind at the time because I thought it was my job. I’m the one that went to parents evenings, school shows and dealt with any problems kids were having in school. I just did everything alone as he was always working or watching footie. I developed severe anxiety that I took out on him and things starting going sour but I wanted the perfect family where the kids had both parents living with them. I was blinded by this idea. It weren’t until we split that I realised it weren’t so great. I could go on about what an arse my partner has been since he left but it’s too long a story but he is on his second girlfriend since we split and that seems more important than seeing his kids. I told myself when we split that I would not get involved with anyone for a long time. As I said I went to this man as a friend. I don’t have many female friends as I always end up taking on their problems and ignoring my own. I did not mean to get involved with this man it just happened.

I didn't mean it's too soon for any relationship. Just that you seem to be rushing into a relationship with someone closely connected to your ex, which could cause problems.

I am aware of the problems it could cause and so is he. We both agreed that if things got to hard or too much we would step back from it for a while.