Disneyland parenting

[mentat]

Hello everyone,

I have a 4 y.o. and a 2.5 y.o. with my ex, who has left and petitioned for divorce just before the youngest was born. There was a very expensive litigation about custody arrangements for about 8 months - ex wanted 100% custody and no contact for me. The court has awarded 50/50 split, which ex has totally rejected as he won't accept "charity", and it should be all or nothing for him.

The actual contact for the last year and a half was quite sporadic, with absences and radio silence of up to 4 months at a time, and then very intense contact for a week or two.
I suspect he is working overseas at the moment, and his expat package salary, I think, should be around £200K-£250K (I caught a glimpse of his linkedin profile just before he blocked me). When he chooses to see the children, they are showered to a ridiculous excess with everything - sweets, presents, trips, day-long entertainment etc.
By excess I mean that DS(4) received a ~£2K made-to-order electric train set for Christmas from his Dad. It is really cool, and he is understandably absolutely obsessed with it. He has received 'normal' Christmas presents from me.
He also came back from the Christmas contact declaring that 'Mummy is cheap and I want to live with Papa'. "Cheap" is the exact word he used, and it hurt me to no end.
There is no child support due to 50/50 split of residence. I am earning relatively well myself, but childcare x2, extra activities and mortgage pretty much swallows 90% of my income. There is no way I can compete with £2K gifts or book entertainers for 6 hours straight on a daily basis.
I am trying to get the Child Arrangements Order changed to reflect the reality, but it does not look like it will be happening any time soon.
Just feel sad and wanted to rant. I wonder what would happen next, when the children are older and they see the difference between mine and their father's lifestyles.

I feel for you and he sounds an arse.

Your maintenance is based on 50/50 split of contact but this isn’t happening. Can you estimate how many overnights he has had with the children? You should use this number and calculate maintenance based on it. Ask him to pay up or go to the CMS.

If the arrangements order isn’t working get it restated.

I wouldn’t worry about the gifts. Yes, children can be selfish and materialistic but they know who is there for them everyday and looks after them.

Mentat, don't worry about the presents. Don't even try to compete although I know it hurts. Your children aren't daft and they will very soon realise who is there when they are tired or have hurt themselves, who shows up for sports day or parents evening, who helps with homework and welcomes their friends for play dates.

Keep a diary of when your ex has contact and ignore the planted comments. Your children aren't old enough to understand what they are saying, so these comments have been repeated over again to them, so they will use the phrases to hurt you. Your ex is a nasty controlling prat.

Soon your children will be at school and everything will settle down. They will develop lives & friendships locally and then visits will simply become holidays. They will appreciate how you rise above the childish malice your ex needs to indulge in.

Keep reminding yourself there is no price on love. Your love will get your children through the rest of their lives as stable and emotionally intelligent adults. How's that train set going to look in a few years? You're doing a great job in what sounds like difficult circumstances.

Thank you all for the support. I know it sounds so superficial and shallow from my side, I just probably hit a very low point. I cannot myself boast being a very good and involved mother - I pretty much work all the time, and my own time with the children is therefore quite limited, and still there is nothing left in the bank at the end of the month. The court refused the permission to remove the children permanently to my home country in December, as it would not be in their interests to be separated from their father (who at that point had no contact for more than 4 months). I also received a written objection to enrolling the children into state education (local authority cc-ed and threatened with litigation if they don't comply). Then this train set arrived. Just all at once.

They will soon realise

Do make sure you document the absence.. I am not sure of your court order but can you go to the CMS if he isn't having the children 50/50
although personally I would want court order changed first