Changing my babies surname

[JoJo2106]

Hi, My baby boy is now almost 4 months old and I split from his dad when he was only 2 or 3 weeks old due to our volatile relationship and the fact I no longer loved him. The thing is I was more or less made to register my baby under my exes surname even though I had said i would prefer him in my name. He controlled the situation an said the baby going in my name wouldn't be happening and drove me to the registry office so we were there together. I felt totally manipulated into allowing his surname to be used and I am really not happy about It, especially as I have ended the relationship only 2 weeks into my babies birth. I wish I had stood my ground but was so exhausted and wore out been a new mother I felt pushed into it. Only now as the months have gone on I realise the mistake i have made. There is no way he will give permission to me to change the surname by deed poll but would a court order take the fact i was controlled by my ex to use his name into consideration. It is seriously affecting my mental state and feel down and depressed because of this.

I changed my children’s surname, but it was only allowed because I had his agreement in the court hearing

I appreciate what you are saying about being forced to, you are going to need a solicitor for advice I believe

Would he turn up to defend it in court, if it went that far?

I would approach a solicitor with this. I really hope you find a way, it can't be nice to know he has your ex's name and not yours x

Did it need to go as far as court if you had his agreement? I assumed if you had the fathers agreement you just needed something in writing from them?

Yes I think I need to speak to a solicitor, already spoke to CAB but they just told me same stuff i had already read on Google. I am now thinking of asking my ex if he would consider doing a double barrel surname for our son because I know for a fact he won't agree to removing his name and changing to mine. So it's a bit of a compromise. Also if my surname is last it will probably end up that that's the name my son will end up mainly using. Heard that a court is more likely to go for a double barrel name rather than removing the father's name completely.

Wish to god I had just stood my ground at the time but it's done now. If he refuses even the double barrel suggestion I will take it to court cos I don't see why I shouldn't have some connection to my son in name I look after him 24/7. It's such an old fashioned concept anyway why should a child automatically go in the mans name, but it has just always been the done thing hasn't it.

Sorry - it was part of a custody hearing, not just for that. My DCs have both our names, no hyphen though and mine comes last and is therefore more used

Ah right I see, that makes sense. Yes that is what I'm hoping for that my son can have both out names and mine will be the one that is mainly used as it will be the last name. He will probably say no just for spite as he is already very bitter we are no longer together.

Get to a solicitor soon as poss, if your DS becomes an age when he understands his name, or if a long passage of time goes by, then it’ll just get less likely

It's not the automatic thing to give a child the father's name. If you are unmarried the child will have your surname unless you agree otherwise.

Yes I just meant it seems to be the done thing quite often that the child goes in the mans name. I would have preferred my son in my name but was in a volatile relationship and was pushed into it. Wasn't strong enough or thinking straight at the time to put up a fight against it but so wish I had now as we were only together for around 2 weeks after my son was born.

I don't know what I was thinking allowing myself to be pushed into it. Feel so much stronger now I'm out of the relationship.

If it were me (and this is what I did), ask him calmly and reasonably to agree a change to double-barrelled, (say that you’ll pay and organise), if he refuses then go to a solicitor and ask advice

I think (could be wrong), that if he refuses to engage with conversation and it goes to court and he doesn’t turn up, then (again I think), the court might send it your way (especially if a double-barrel rather than deleting him), not sure what happens if he does attend and objects, I guess they’ll just listen to both sides and potentially still double-barrel as will be more pleasant for his schooling to have both names, and he’s too young to “know his name”, so won’t confuse him

I would try and keep it calm as possible here, because if he’s like my ex, he’ll be more likely to fight it, if there’s been an ongoing argument

Yeah that is my plan for the weekend when my ex comes to collect my son I will ask him about it calmly. He usually winds me up just been in the same room as him but I will have to try to be as nice as I can lol. If he refuses the double barrel suggestion I will definitely be consulting a solicitor. It's not like I am trying to remove his name completely but simply add my own. I don't see any reason why it would be a problem other than him just wanting to be an arse.

Yes this is why I want it done sooner rather than later as my son is only 4 months old and isn't aware of his name yet so it can't confuse him. Plus it would be nice to also have some connection to my baby in name aswell. I think a court is more likely to agree to a double barrel surname aswell rather than removing my ex completely. It's a compromise at least.