Ex works away expects me to fit in with his pland

[Louisa07]

Hi all, I’m just looking for a bit of advice, my ex and I have been separated for nearly a year and have 3 children that are 9,12 and 14. He works away and just expects me to work around him all of the time. I am generally happy to do this but have started to feel frustrated as I can never make plans as he will quite often change plans or not commit to anything until quite short notice. He has been violent towards me in the past so I feel unable to discuss this with him as he is quite volatile with me. He is brilliant with the kids though and I have no worries with his attitude towards them. What would everyone else suggest??

If he's been violent towards you then he's not brilliant with the kids. Frightening their mother enough so she cannot plan everyone's best interests is not being brilliant with them. I would go through the courts for agreed contact. Make him pay for it as he has been violent in the past. You need only cite this for a third party to be involved.

Do you know how much notice he get when he will be home . I would set out a minimum notice and if he does any old weekend maybe have one weekend a month where you can make plans for you and the children .

I have tried to be understanding about his job but even when I have suggested that we make an arrangement regard school holidays which he can book off as far in advance as he chooses he won’t even agree to this. He won’t make definite plans around pick up and drop off times either, it’s so frustrating. As much as it pains me to say it, I know he’s been a b!&*?!d to me but he really is good with the kids and I am completely comfortable with him having them, they also love there time with him.

Is he paying maintenance? If your un comfortable talking to him about access then the abuse is still happening, you are still walking on egg shells aroundhim. He is using access as a form of controling you. Where does he pick them up from? Your home. Your kids will pick up on whats happening. Women's aid as a starting point?

I have just sent him an email suggesting that we draw up a formal agreement in which we agree school holidays, Xmas etc at the beginning of the year. Yes he does pay maintenance and up until recently has never missed a payment but because he’s had them a couple of extra nights over Xmas he’s missed last week and told me he’s not paying. We haven’t got a set pick up point and if he picks them up from my house he doesn’t attempt to come in.

That's great best to start with an informal arrangement if he says no then take it from there. Not such great news about the maintenance but see how that goes. I'm glad he's not in your home. Counselling really helped me set boundaries with my ex.

Maintenance and contact are separate - children aren’t pay per view. He has an obligation to pay but keep this and contact separate.

You need a formal agreement (this is better than going through the court if you can agree).

My OH prepared the coract agreement for 6 months ahead every half year (so for example in Dec he sent to the mother a suggested contact order for Jan - June (including suggested holidays). They have a court ordered agreement.

Don’t agree with @Hairyhat ‘make him pay’ - children aren’t weapons to be used against him. He sounds like he’s good with the kids but you need to know where you stand.

Counselling together?

I would get advice on whether counselling together is a good idea because of his history of abuse.

No do not do counselling due to history of abuse

I definitely wouldn’t consider counselling together! I’m just starting to get so frustrated and need to get something resolved.

I guess it a balancing act. You need to keep youself and you kids safe and maintain access in a planned way. I think because of his history, support from a domestic abuse charity and /or counselling for you would benefit you. Good luck your amazing xx

Thanks for the advice, I think m sometimes you forgot other people are in or have been in the same situation x

Sorry but by "make him pay" I meant for his previous violence towards you op. Definitely nothing to do with the kids. I don't want to out myself but I have experience with this. (I'm still scared of my DC's dad). I was completely controlled for the first couple of years before I sought help from a (rational) third party. Everything changed then. He finally lost the hold he had over me despite me trying desperately to build A relationship with his DC. He saw sense because he had to liaise with someone other than me.

Seek advise from women's aid and the Child Maintenance agency. Although the CMA are rubbish at claims, their advice will help you realise your rights and your children's rights towards an abusive (however long ago) partner and his access.

They might even be able to point you in the right direction. They helped me realise that historic DV was still a cause for concern where children and access is possibility

Thank you so much for your advice, I am going to look into everything you suggested x

DP's ex works shifts and its now in their court agreement she only has to give the hours for that month on the last day of the previous month.

Court decided that its best so that DSS gets to see his mum when she's not working weekends but it's shit for us as we literally can't plan anything for ourselves or the DC more than 4 weeks in advance.

It’s so frustrating, he won’t even commit to holidays which he can book anytime, and won’t even give me a definite pick up/drop off time until about an hour before😡