My 4yo says his dad is dead. Help me?

[madlittlelulu]

Help me talk to my son please?

He’s four. Has never met his biological father due to horrific abuse. There’s a restraining order in place against his father.
I’ve been honest with my son always, always told him honestly when asked that we don’t see his daddy because he’s not very nice and always reiterated all the people he does have around him.

This morning he called my boyfriend of less than a year “dad” so I have sat down with DS to discuss that my bf isn’t his dad.

Ds has now come out with a story about how “my dad isn’t that nasty man, he’s a nice man but he died a long long time ago”
And then embellished his story with “we were in the kitchen when stormstroopers came in and shot him and killed him” 😳😨

I have no idea where to start with this, or what to say to him that’s gonna be for the best?

He’s never likely to meet his dad until DS makes that decision as an adult for himself, but equally i don’t want this idea that he has died to become entrenched?

I have no idea - hopefully someone more useful will be along soon - it sounds awful. from me too.

I'm sure it's very normal for a child to make up a "fairy tale" type story when a parent falls short (look at Tracey Beaker and her "movie star mum"). I work with teenagers who have been neglected or abused and their version of events rarely reflects the reality of the situation.

I have no doubt your DS knows it isn't true but I wouldn't push it.

One technique we use for our students who really fantasise about their home lives is saying something like "that sounds very exciting, do you wish that was what happened?" It's challenging without being confrontational and gives the child an "out".

He feels he needs to do this to protect himself from feeling hurt. Leave him to it but don't agree with him or join in the fantasy. He might pass through this stage and you can talk to him gently about the truth in the future.

I think it might be a good idea to try and get some advice from a child psychologist at some point about the best way to deal with this- it’s complicated isn’t it? I totally understand why he might want to make up his own narrative about his dad- I guess none of us would like to imagine that a parent of ours was so awful they weren’t allowed to see us so he’s taking that feeling away by coming up with a more palatable (to him) version. It’s good you’ve been so honest from the beginning with him, but like I said probably time to ask for professional advice. Could you perhaps ask your health visitor, school or GP for a referral? Or another health or social care professional that you have some contact with?

Sounds so difficult I think you just need to keep reiterating that his dad is alive but just can’t see him. Perhaps you can gradually go into more detail as he gets older but for now I would leave as simple as that. When he asks why he can’t see him just say he wasn’t kind to you all and daddys have to be kind. He’s creating a fantasy because he doesn’t want the real story to be to true but just keep gently reminding him.

My eldest used to say this about his father due to similar circumstances other than I was with his dad for the first few year of his life. He used to swap between telling people his dad is Dad or in prison. Now at the age h is, he’s well aware he is an awful man and that he isn’t allowed near us but knows he’s alive but says ‘dead to me’. I used to worry about it like you but was told it was all part of the process for young children in these sort of circumstances..

I think he's a bit to young to comprehend what you have told him.

It's a really tricky situation to navigate. Given his age i guess take your cues from him and don't push either way.
The whys of it... are just as tricky and varied. It could be that death is a lot easier to him to understand/accept than a parent never seeing him, maybe it's just his vivid imagination, maybe he can relate to other having a dead parent but not a completely absent one, maybe he got very close to your partner and sees him as a dad so his real dad, who is not really a real person to him got "killed" to leave a space.
Depending on how this progresses, you can ask for help from your gp, hv or your son's school regarding this. Actually, if the school have pastoral care it would be a good idea to get them involved anyways .

Everything has been handled in a very age appropriate way, DS knows nothing of the abuse I suffered except for what happened in the first 18months of his life, and he recalls living in a refuge, though he doesn’t know it was a refuge. Just a big house with lots of women.
So in regards to what I’ve told DS, it’s been pretty basic but honest answers to his questions. The extent of it really “Daddy doesn’t use his kind hands” is probably the most that DS knows.
He doesn’t know about the order, which will be up in less than a year anyway.

It makes a lot of sense that he could think his version is better...

I’ll never agree with him, because i don’t want him believing something that isn’t true.

I can try speaking to the school when term resumes, I’m not sure what pastoral care is though?

Thanks all

When I was a child my dad was absent. I used to think he looked like John Craven on the telly. I used to say to everyone I was going home to see my dad when I was going to watch news round.
I like the idea and the feeling of it. It helped me cope with his absence.

I would " support " your sons story, but not confirm it.
So when he says it, just state the truth " it's hard for you that he's not here now, isn't it? ". Or " it's really tough for you that he's not around ". Let him express his feelings in any ( safe) way. Him talking about it and crying are both ways for him to let it out.
His story will evolve and change in time, no need for you to correct him.
Best of luck op