Alone for so long.

[Vada83]

I felt I needed to just tell someone how I was feeling and kind of release these feelings even if it’s just on here. My husband left me while I was pregnant 9 years ago. He sold the house and ran off with a younger women and I never saw him again. Later I found out the “women” wasn’t a women but a 16 year old girl who he had been sleeping with for a while so before she was 16. From that point I have almost run away myself. He made contact with me via email when my child was seven I did not reply Andean the nothing to do with that monster. I have been completely on my own since the pregnancy. I have never dated or gone out without my child. I work full time and spend all my time with my child or waiting for my child to finish a class or club. I feel so alone and stupid that I fell for a monster. I can’t be trusted to know who is a monster and who isn’t so I can never meet anyone because I have a child to protect. Living like this is so lonely and I feel like I’m being punished for something I had no control over.

That sounds hard for you, but you don’t need to punish yourself. His actions are his alone, and while they may not be acceptable to you, they are not your actions. Could you go to the GP and ask for some counselling; it feels to me like you do need to talk about some of that’s feelings

OP I feel for you. The kind of loneliness you experience as a single Mum can be crushing.

Especially when DC are young because you can’t leave them and babysitters are expensive. The only thing I can say is that they do get older and then you can go out into the world and carve a social life for yourself.

In the meantime how about finding a hobby / interest where you can find a support community online?

Oh about the monster thing - don’t be daft Loads of us fall in love with people before we discover who they really are.

Don’t punish yourself for that. Concentrate on the positives because that stuff is in the past and there’s zilch you can do about it. It’s NOT your fault.

You are doing the best thing by your DS by getting your head down and being a great parent - well done - many people in two parent families are not doing that - just read some of the posts from married/partnered Mums here on mumsnet.
When you met your ex H, you were going with the information about him you had at the time, there was nothing stupid about your beliefs that he would be a 'good husband and parent' - why would you have gone into a relationship believing he was anything but that.
Your ex H has behaved badly, not you. - dont feel shame for him being the way he is.
Feel proud that you have moved on, yes it's lonely being a single parent - but your son will grow up and as he does you will meet more people. Dont think about 'meeting a monster' think about meeting people and getting to know them-there is no limit on the amount of people you can get to know, and the more you know the more likely it is that one of them will point out to you that you might have met a monster.

Thank you to everyone that left comments. I think I was having a difficult time this morning. I just feel stained and I feel ashamed for what he did and for knowing that I was foolish enough to think he would be decent and a good father due to my foolish actions my child doesn’t have a father. I know I shouldn’t feel this way I just can’t shake it off. I feel that I’m now too old to have another child and I feel left on the shelf and unwanted. I wouldn’t meet anyone due to the trust thing but it’s lonely, I’m always alone. I don’t have any time for myself and when my child is asleep I feel the loneliness most. It’s been ten years that I have had no contact such as hugs or closeness. I am just feeling sorry for myself. Thank you for all your comments.

Your child doesn’t have a father because of the choices he made for himself. It is nothing whatsoever to do with the choices you made. There is too much blaming of the wrong people in these situations - frequently seen on mumsnet (and equally frequently challenged). You are not accountable for his actions. You are doing your best with the hand dealt you so don’t be hard on yourself. It gets easier and you can have a life when you’re ready - perhaps you are now ready?

Vada,
Firstly, what he did is a reflection on him, not you. In no way are you to blame or naive or anything negative. You genuinely sound like an amazing mum and boy are you going to have a great relationship with your child for the rest of your life.
I've just posted on here for the first time - about the loneliness of being the primary parent and how hard it is. I get what you're going through - I really do.
Things will get better xxx

I understand how you feel I was also left while pregnant by frankly a sociopath. I went completely off men for 8 years until this man at my sons club kept flirting with me. I am smitten with him, he tried to ask me out but I realised I'm too hurt and messed up. Three years later he gave up trying and has a girlfriend, I'm still smitten. I think my choices are poor and I can't repeatedly make them as my son will suffer. I wish I wasn't so scared myself to get involved. However, this man made me have feelings for another man which I never imagined would happen, just gutted it never happened and I never took the risk. Not all men are the same, just be really careful, (easier said than done).