Dilemma! What do I say to him? (sorry it's a bit long...)

[butterflywings]

My XP & I always had a very on/off relationship, so when I got PG he decided that he didn't want to stick around. He said, after DD was born, that he really wanted to see her. He came to see her 3 times in all over the next 6mths & we didn't see him again.
XP got in contact again last Nov & I told him that I didn't want DD to know who he was if he was going to disappear after a few months. He swore to me that he would never do that. At the end of Feb, I started letting XP & DD go out on their own around 3 times per week. He also babysits once a month. But, there are some things that I'm not happy with:
1. He's sometimes 20mins late collecting DD & sometimes texts me 20mins after he's supposed to collect DD saying that he can't make it. And he never knows when they'll back.
2. Calls me lazy 'cause I'm a SAHM in front of DD & picks at everything I say. DD is picking up on it & she now calls me lazy
3. Doesn't put reins on DD when in buggy. I told him that he really ought to & he told me that he'd gone over a kerb with her once & she fell out, hitting her head! He still brings her back without the reins on...
4. Encourages DD to go wrong way up slide. Sounds fussy, I know, but she could have an accident and he's undoing things I've taught her.
5. Doesn't listen to me when I try to offer him advice about DD (see 2 & 3)
6. Not happy with them seeing his friends. Most of his friends have criminal records (theft, car robbery, being drunk and disorderly, drugs & violence).
7. Sulks if I forget to contact him. I once didn't contact him for a week 'cause it was my dad's b-day, so he started a row with me over MySpace (sending public messages, would you believe?!) saying he was really p%£$ed off with me & accused me of trying to stop him seeing DD. When I said that it wasn't appropriate to have a row over the 'net, he denied that he was.
8. His new DP... I'm really angry that he didn't ask me if he could introduce them, esp. since she's the person he left me for He hasn't even got the guts to tell me that he has a new DP - I had to find out from his family. DD came back with a daisy-chain the other day & he said that he'd made it for her. I later found out that his DP had made it. God knows why he couldn't just tell me she'd made it - did he think I was going to hire a hit-man to kill her just 'cause she made DD a daisy-chain?! Makes me uneasy though... Are they playing happy-families together with my DD??
He's babysitting this Friday night & I want to speak to him about it when I get back (it's the only chance I'll get to do it when DD isn't around). The thing is, I'm really rubbish at confrontations & I don't know where to begin. I want to let him know that he can't carry on like this but I don't want him to say that I'm a "won't-let-father-see-his-kids-just-'cause-I-feel-like-it" mother (see 7)
I would be really grateful if anyone has any advice on this kind of situation because I'm really dreading it!
Thanks for reading such a long message, by the way

"Sounds to me like you should be prepared to explain to your dd why she is going to have to grow up without a father in her life."

Who are YOU to make a comment like that on a thread that has been asking for support and advice about a mothers own individual experience? Honest to god lady you are special! And that is NO compliment from me! Do you just go around constantly pi**ed of with all human beings making them feel like crap? Sounds to me like you are looking to punish any mother who has issues with their children's father just because of your personal situation. I think you should step outside your own box and try looking at it from another angle. Then you might see the bigger picture and not just your own.

"These are abused children with abusive parents. Not butterflywing's ex who doesn't put his dd's reins on or doesn't want to be told by his ex how he is supposed to play/interact with his own child. It just makes me furious when the term abusive is misused and diverts resources and attention away from the real abuse that is out there."

There are many forms of abuse. Butterfly's XP was verbally abusing her infront of her child and neglecting her dd's safety with not fastening the reins. These may seem like minor things to you based on your situation but they are clearly deep concerns with the OP. In which case she has felt like they needed addressing which she has done. Her XP has acted like a child and flipped and not spoken to her since. That is not her problem it is his and just goes to show his true nature and reflects what I would consider bad parenting.

I think if anything it goes to show how much of a caring mother the OP really is, and that she is just trying to protect her child - like any mother wants to do and should do. None of Butterfly's posts have once mentioned anything of wanting her XP to stop having a relationship with his dd. If anything she has done everything in her power to want to encourage it. I truly believe that you are lashing out at people on this thread who have issues with their childs dads because of your personal situation and it's not helpfull or wanted. You are just making women on this thread feel bad when they are already in complicated enough positions, and it's totally out of order imo.

I am sorry LWatkins that you feel the need to call me names and insult me because I think differently than you do and have had a different experience in life than you. But if the name calling makes you feel better, then go ahead. I was brought up to have conviction in my opinions and not to be afraid to express them simply because the playground bully doesn't like them.

Butterflywings asked for advice. I gave her mine which comes from a series of personal experiences. How else is one supposed to learn and grow from life if one doesn't listen to people who have had different experiences than one's own. Butterflywings is certainly able to choose to follow any of the advice offered, or not. And as an adult she is then able to take the consequences of her choices. My advice was to suggest that if Butterflywings brought up lots of issues with her ex and not just the one that was important (her ex putting her down in front of her dd) then she was seriously risking alienating him. I suggested that maybe it was worth compromising and swallowing some of his behavior in exchange for having him be in his daughter's life. Sometimes compromise and diplomacy rather than confrontation and war can have more desireable results for both parties. Butterflywings weighed up all the advice she received and made a choice and is now trying to figure out how to deal with the consequences of that choice.

I think it's fairly clear that Butterflywings has no control over whether her ex sees her DD, it is purely up to him and I must say that I think his reaction to her 'requests' - whch were moderate, in proportion to his behaviour with her DD - was a huge overreaction.
Especially the Myspace thing - he doesn't sound very grown up to throw a sulk like that.
Butterflywings - darling I wouldn't respond to that at all, it sounds like another little 'wind-up' tactic, to get you to do something! Classic P/A behaviour IMO!
It's not appropriate to put up with any sort of abuse by your child's father - to yourself or the child - the question is, SofiaAmes, where does one draw the line?
I would not for one second say that Butterfly's comments to her ex were either intentionally or not, enough to prevent a committed and reasonable father from being prepared to see his daughter - or use rude texts - - he could easily have been reasonable and discussed it sensibly - or shouldn't he make any 'compromises, like perhaps using safety equipment (reins) as they should be used?
In this case I do believe the man is making excuses and being very immature. I do not think Butterfly is in any way responsible for him throwing the rattle like this. (Less so than in my own case, probably!)
And finally I sincerely believe that a child seeing a father treat her mother with utter disrespect, bad language, manipulation and more, is undermining of both their self esteem and expectations of how relationships - whether current or ex - should be conducted.
'I Thank You'

PS I forgot to say, it sounds very much like SA is saying it's right to 'tiptoe' around an idiot in order to get them to stay...again, where does one draw the line?

I second everything flightattendant said in her post

SA - oh please don't throw the whole 'being a playground bully, and if calling people names is your thing then that's up to you blah blah blah....' thing at me. I haven't called you any 'names'.

And again I quote:

"Sounds to me like you should be prepared to explain to your dd why she is going to have to grow up without a father in her life."

I'm insulting you? Really? Get a grip please. You have come onto this thread and in your own right expressed a (very strong and biased) opinion - fine. But making comments like the above is unnacceptable and thoughtless. And whilst we are on the 'insult' side of things, was it not you that called be 'bitter and angry'. You know nothing about me and have no right to judge me in that sort of way - yet you did. So don't go playing the injured lamb card with me after some of the comments that have imo been expressed far too easily without consideration for anybody else's feelings.

And as far as your 'personal experience' goes, it's hardly relevant to the op's problem is it? Your situation is completely different to her's. I sympathise with your situation and feel for your poor stepchildren, but your judgement has been clouded by your experience. Which is fair enough, but please don't come onto a thread like this and assume that becasue the op is having difficulties with her child's father, that you she is attempting to stop contact between him and his child etc.

Like I said in a previous post, don't tarnish all with the same brush. And to be honest that is exactly what you seem to be doing to me.

flightattendant, you have stated things very well. Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. In my opinion, the father child relationship is important enough to be worth doing some tiptoeing. And yes, the big questions is "where do you draw the line?" I clearly draw it in a different place than some. I have several close friends who stayed with their husbands who were respectively physically abusing them and flagrantly unfaithful and they stayed "for the sake of the kids." Personally I think they, at least, should have drawn that line.

In Butterflywings' case, I think she probably should have done a little more effort at compromise before drawing the line. Bear in mind, that if her ex was mature and reasonable, she would probably still be with him, but barring that, he is the person that she picked to be the father of her child. I suspect that in your case, from the little information that you have given, that you too were right to draw the line...drinking and driving is imo in a different category to being irritating and not fastening the reins of the buggy. But again, you are right, it's about drawing lines. And compromise.

PS. And also remember, there is more than one right way to bring up a child and not everyone has the same idea of what that way is....early on in my life with my stepchildren, their mother called dh up screaming at him because I was not giving her children enough crisps and candy and wouldn't let them have coke whenever they wanted ..she thought she was doing the best thing for her children. I don't think that dh would have stuck around in his children's lives for as long as he has if I hadn't been there in the background reminding him that although his ex is a pain (and in her case, evil and crazy), she does in her own way think that she's doing the right thing for her children.

I think we might have to agree to disagree on some of this, SofiaAmes...glad that we share some common ground at least. But when it comes down to it, in my opinion at least, Butteflywings was being reasonable, and her daughter's father is certainly not, and because of this, I believe she need feel no responsibility for his personal choice whether or not to see his daughter.
Respectfully departing from the thread at this point because it feels a bit intrusive to be dissecting Butterfly's life...sorry Butterfly.
I hope you find your way through this.

Hi everyone,

I haven't been on this thread for a few days because I still haven't heard anything from XP (though his brother said a cheery hello to me yesterday, so I guess he hasn't told his family).

I didn't e-mail him in the end because, as Flightattendant said, he's probably just doing this to get a reaction from me and I won't satisfy him with that kind of attention.

I'm so sorry to read what has been going on This is obviously a sensitive subject for you SofiaAmes... So I think it's probably best if we close this thread to avoid further arguments.

Thank you everyone for all of your help and advice. Lwatkins, Flightattendant and Janos - thanks for being my 'bodyguards'

Ok, so Oscar's-style-thanks over

xx