Problems with daughter and dad

[pinkpixie83]

I don't know if anyone can help, I also don't intend to drip feed but I'm sorry if I do.

My and my exH have been split up 5 years next month. He has been through girlfriends, with all of them meeting the children, and also has a child with one of them. This June he moved in with the latest one, after being with them since November time.
All the kids are seriously messed up since the move happened. It was very quick, to the point he said they were thinking about it and it would be three or so months, giving them time to talk to all the children and see if they had any problems, his kids and hers. Within 4 weeks they were moved in. Before this point there had been minimal contact and only one sleepover due to the both only having two bedrooms and there being 6 children combined.

Since the move my kids have been reluctant to go, choosing to spend less and less time with dad. Originally he was having every other weekend Friday pm till Monday am. The Monday had to stop as he feels he's too far aware to take them to school. Currently they are seeing him one fortnight Saturday am till Sunday pm and the next fortnight they go Sunday only. They have asked and asked for time on their own with dad as they feel they are missing it. Her boys go to their dad on a Saturday but it now appears they are stopping them on the Saturday he has mine.

They went Boxing Day to spend two days with him. My daughter called Boxing Day night wanting to come home, which although he wasn't happy we managed to get her home with his parents who were there anyway and only live 10 minutes from me. Then when he dropped the boys home yesterday he didn't even get out the car to talk to her. She's feeling incredibly rejected. They all mention not being important and that he is more interested in his other child, girlfriend and her children but I have no idea what to do now.

I have tried to talk to him but he accuses me of being a bully. He wanted to go to mediation but I can't afford it, I don't get legal aid but can't actually afford it from my tight budget. I don't know what to do to help the kids but my daughter especially

How old are your children OP? You say they are reluctant to go. Are they old enough to make that decision?

It’s hard and the fathers living conditions don’t sound ideal. But it’s important that the children maintain a relationship with dad.

Unfortunately you can’t dictate what the dad does on his time (just like he can’t dictate what you do on your time). Maybe the dad was upset that his daughter couldn’t be bothered to even stay on Boxing Day. I’m sure he misses them (even though his living conditions aren’t ideal).

You need a formal contact schedule that you stick to so everyone knows where they stand. Kids aren’t old enough to decide when to visit.

I disagree with Northern spirit. I think you have a duty as a parent to stop someone from causing harm to your children (even when they are the other parent). You must listen to your children when they tell you something is wrong and you must act on it. Their dad is not acting in their best interests and is making selfish decisions, he needs to feel the consequences of this as he is the only person that can improve the situation.

I'm not disputing he misses them, and I am doing all I can to encourage them to have a relationship with him, I thought the reduction in contact would just be a settling in period while they got used to the new living arrangements.
My daughter is 9, the boys are 7 and 5. The boys are currently happy to go for that time but at the same time don't want to increase it.
I understand her not wanting to stay for whatever reason must of been hurtful but I do think he should step up and be the adult, he could of easily come to the door when dropping the boys off and said hello to my daughter. Because he didn't she's now convinced she doesn't matter to him if he can't even be bothered to say hello to her.

How is the dad causing harm to the children @Bananamandan? You may not agree with him introducing HIS children to his girlfriend/s and you may think that after 8 months it’s too soon to move in together but legally the mother has no say and it’s his decision.

They are his children as much as the mothers. Mothers don’t get to dictate or control.

The children don’t sound like they are at harm - how are they at harm? Because they have to share a room? A court wouldn’t stop contact over that.

‘There needs to feel the consequences’ sounds quite vendictive and controlling. What the dad does legally the mum has no say in (and it goes both ways). How about having an adult conversation about the best interests of the children rather than dishing out YOUR consequences?

OP - get a contact order formalised and stick to it. Children have a right to see their dad.

I am not doing any of this because I am not happy. It's his life completely but the kids aren't happy so I have to support them in their feelings

You sound supportive OP. The children are still young @ 5, 7 & 9. Too young to be deciding they don’t want to see their dad. And too young to be making decisions regarding contact arrangements. My DSD is 12 and can’t change her underwear or brush her teeth without being reminded -let alone make decisions about contact.

Can you find a way to chat to him so he can be more supportive to their needs?

Okay Northern what do you think are a parent's responsibilities? Do a parent's 'rights' always trump a child's well-being?

@Bananamanfan - parents don’t have any rights. The children have rights, not the parents. They have a right to have a relationship with both parents.

How are the children being mistreated? We don’t know if they are. Yes, the fathers living conditions aren’t ideal but that hardly constitutes mis treatment? And it hardly warrants ‘him needing to feel the consequences’.

There are always consequences to actions we take, the dd is unhappy, because of a parent's actions. Is it only children that should 'feel' the consequences? (And her mum, of course). Rights come with responsibilities. The DC are being given the right to see their parent, one of them doesn't want to in the cicumstances.

His living conditions have improved, they currently have a four bed house for the 8 of them. But my daughter feels incredibly pushed out for whatever reasons.
Small reasons I get are too many boys, understandably as she's getting to that age.
No time with just my three and their dad, which I can understand again and I have tried time and time again to get him to understand.
She feels she's often left in charge of all of the boys, who are younger than her, including doing an awful lot for her 3 year old half brother.
Not sure why Christmas bothered her so much, things that have been mentioned are things like, presents from him not be labelled so she didn't know if they were from him or him and his girlfriend, cards being addressed to him her and family when she doesn't view them as a family yet. He made no effort to take them to buy me a Christmas present yet they took him something they had picked.

I guess whatever I do will always be wrong

Your dd is old enough to do something on a Thursday evening. Could you suggest your exh to take her to something more feminine that the others aren't interested in. It would give her a few hours alone with her dad without disrupting the weekends

Northern every thread I see you on it is all about children must see both parents . There is nothing abusive in this post however there is a girl struggling with the transition to a blended family . The add needs help and support and the sad thing is it is not coming from the dad. Op could you help her compose a letter to her dad about how she feels . That way it is coming from her not you

Hi,

I have had enough as going through the something similar.
My ex use to have our son every weekend then he got a new gf. He moved in with her. At first it was good he had him and my son come home telling me they went this place. Then all of a sudden I get a call my son giving his gf and maybe her kids dirty from then onwards it's gone downhill. Theres been a lot happening. But my son decided every other week and apparently once a month according to my ex. My ex does not do as much as he use. Now contact reduced and feel he not making the effort. My son obviously picked up on something for him not wanting to go. Plus everytime he picks him up she there. He gets no time on his own with his dad.
It's like my ex not bothering and my son like not bothered. They were close even if me and my ex could not stand each other. He take him out shopping, cinema etc.
Now if it's true that my son only wants to see his dad sundays. I be telling him leave your gf at home. I am getting fed up now.
It's unfair on my son I can see he upset it's not about a child not getting use to blended family it the fathers who can't understand kids needs one 2 one.

Dirty looks*

I agree . If I met someone they would know I come as a package with my Ds . If I met someone with kids who didn’t feel the same I doubt we would go anywhere

If I was 9 and when I went to stay with my dad he had a new girlfriend and some more children who I didn’t like, I may not want to stay either. Ideally, he would be a lot more sensitive to the feelings of his daughter. Children do have rights- and they are perfectly entitled to say they don’t want to stay somewhere if they don’t! It is a shame but the OP is scarcely encouraging it, she is just supporting her daughter.

How is your situation?

My son wants to see his dad once a month now on a sunday. Although I believe my son may change his mind.

Due to try and sit down all of us together to see if he will listen to their concerns.

Can't see it working but I'm willing to try.
They are due to go Sunday for the day so I will see.