Anxiety

[peachy2410]

Anyone else feel like they are living in a knife edge due to ExP?
My LO's DF rears his head every few weeks saying he wants contact but only if I'm there. we split in January, and he refuses to have her alone after trying twice. I stayed with them once a week -when he could be bothered up until Aug. It did none of us any good so I said I'd go a couple of times cos he's not seen her at all bar 15mins since Aug but then he needs to have her alone, but I'll go somewhere nearby. Apparently I'm horrendous, controlling whatever for suggesting this and he's "done" with us both - again!
Anyway, I feel like I'm constantly waiting for him to message and create an argument. He's dropped things off for LO outside my house a couple of times when we were asleep. I'm terrified going to sleep each night waking up thinking he's breaking in. I'm so so scared- it's irrational probably but feels so real. He's verbal and storms out when he's not in control. He can't control his emotions and is very unpredictable.
But I'm also feeling guilty that he isn't seeing her but I don't think I can put myself through his games - he tries to pressure me to into getting back together or sleeping with him then gets angry when I say no. LO also takes several weeks of crying to allow me to leave her again when she's seen him - I don't know why. I've suggested contact centres etc but he refuses, he wants to see her he says but it has to be with me there.

I don't know what to do, it's driving me insane! On the surface I'm fine inside I'm crumbling. No real point to this post but just needed to get to out. I don't know what to do.

One thing at a time. Explain to your ex that 'contact' is contact with your dd, not you.
That the time she is with him is your chance to do other stuff, his insistence you are there may be that he doesn't feel confident with her or he may just be a control freak.
Does he have a sister or mum you trust to organise a contact session with? Or would your mum offer to help? I wouldn't leave dd alone with your ex while he is so unstable anyway. Was he ever violent to you?

You need to stop seeing him to make it clear it is over. He is trying to wear you down by using your dd as leverage and that is harassment.

Stop feeling guilty, you've offered contact, he isn't taking advantage of that which is his problem, not yours. Keep a record of every time you try to organise contact, and when/if he actually agrees & shows up.

Your dd crying may be that she is picking up on your fear & stress so you need to stop it before it causes her long term problems. Can you explain to your health visitor? She will have dealt with this before.

Finally, if you feel you or your dd are genuinely at risk, go to the police. They will advise you. Or is there a sure start centre close by. They know what to do as well.

It's Christmas, try to relax, can you stay with family for a couple of days. Have some fun & chill out time? Forget your arse of an ex for a few days.

@Kingsclerelass thank you for your reply. You are right with one step at a time, I'm just overwhelmed at the min.

His family are shapeless really- think it's acceptable to let dogs lick babies in car seats and put smokers fingers in their mouths. I don't trust them. On Xmas day last year he threw a bucket of water over me (and LO) while were in bed when he was drunk. After that my parents don't want anything do with him and I get that. The choices are limited. He was never violent apart from that occasion which in my opinion is more stupid. He says he's stopped drinking now but everything with him is cyclical. He just can't control his temper and storm out swearing frequently if things don't go his way/how he wants. I've recorded everything since Jan.

I think the HV might be the way to go, even though mine has moved. We are going to my parents for Christmas but I'm so anxious at the min I've been worrying he's going to turn up there/break in. He's had a year to do something and hasn't so I know it's unlikely but when I'm having nightmares etc it doesn't help. He's occupying to much of my head and I can't stop it. He just rocks the boat every few weeks with messages which all end up with me "controlling DD" and stopping him from seeing her. Even though every time I offer something. I deserve to start the new year afresh and he's holding me back :( xx