Contact

[burgen]

Very recent marriage breakup. Instigated by me after years of emotional and financial abuse.
Having not been a very present father to our 5 children he has suddenly decided he would remove all his limbs if it meant he could spend every day with them. So he is demanding a lot of time. It's making me uneasy.
Can anybody help with how the hell we are supposed to work out what is fair and right? What is best for the children? What works for both of us?
At the moment he wants to come here one evening mid week for tea and to put kids to bed. He then wants them with him from Friday evening through to Sunday night (but he would prefer Monday morning) every single week. I know he's trying to hurt me. But that seems completely unreasonable considering he has in the past insisted I never leave all the children with him because he can't cope with them.
So what do I do? What do I suggest? I tried saying it wasn't fair on the kids for them to be sleeping in shared double beds or on the floor for two or three nights straight away and could he maybe start with one overnight a week. He says I'm controlling him

The only real advice I have is to show you’re being reasonable and show you want the children to have a relationship with their dad but keep explaining by text or email that you don’t want to unsettle the children, you want what’s in their best interest (don’t say ‘start with’ otherwise he’ll keep asking when it will change). If you give him loads then you decide to take back some contact he could take you to court and the court could give him back what he did have and more...because of routine they’ll say. If you give him what you feel is right, he might take to court but you can argue your reasons above and say it’s important to stick the current routine and not to unsettle the kids.

Could he be trying to create a 50/50 situation so he doesn't have to pay maintenance? For maintenance sake if they sleep at his 50% of nights, he won't have to pay you anything. (Care during the day isn't taken into consideration)

I think he probably is doing it from a money point of view. I'm staying calm. I'm being factual. I am texting rather than talking. I state it's better for the kids for continuity in their own home

He also is 'undecided at the moment' whether he is willing to sign over his half of the tenancy to me. He is thinking about it. Just extra stress for me.

You should start with a 50:50 split (it’s not about offering less so you get more maintenance). Dads miss their kids just as much as mums do. It’s about what’s best for the kids and what’s works best for all of you.

No words of wisdom, other than my ex is doing the same. I initiated the split, he has suddenly decided that he wants them 50:50, after not being a very hands on Dad previously. Suddenly the kids are all over Facebook and he’s trying to be father of the year. I’ve let him have them just under 50% of the time, think it works out one less day a month. Trouble is, the kids are now starting to complain about going there... it’s really tough, starting mediation in January.

It’s horrendous- have you sorted Xmas?

It drives me crackers when dads suddenly want to suddenly be in their kids lives when previously had no interest . How old are you children . I certainly wouldn’t give up every weekend as you get no quality time with them . How old are your children ? I also would not be starting having him in your house once a week . Are you with Ha ? If so speak to them about your tenancy

I would forget coming to your house and having them every weekend. Even if you were doing 50/50, neither of those things is needed. It gives me the rage also. I would suggest building contact gradually as he is completely unused to looking after the children. If you give him every other weekend and a night in the week, I doubt he will want the reality of a further increase.