contact travel help

[cacoa]

Hi
I am new to this site and wish I joined earlier.
I’m a single dad for 10 years to my son, now aged 16. Ex lives over 200 miles from us (thankfully) and only sees son about once a year (her choice). She does not want any responsibility or liability of him. For a few years she or her family never to see him. Very sad.
She has never cooperated with contact, not giving address where he will stay until this summer.
In the summer he spent 2 weeks with her and enjoyed it. I booked return rail ticket and luckily, she paid ½ (which took some asking). (she hardly pays any maintenance and does her best to evade the system).
As I was overloaded with personal work this December, I told son to tell his mum to book a open return rail ticket (which I would pay ½ for cheap return ticket) but she would need to buy the railcard (I cannot keep paying for everything). She agreed to pay for a railcard last month.

So she buys him a 16-25 railcard and a just a one way ticket to her town. I sent her an email asking what date will he be coming back and how? (she now say’s unless I send her half the money for the railcard he cannot use it for the return journey, and I would have to send her a single ticket cost of £55 (where the open return was just £75!!). Its not about the money but her unfair and uncooperative behavior which fumes me. Too late to buy cheap tickets and get it posted at home or collect from station.
I now told him unless she does so, I cannot allow him to visit her, as she is providing any reassurance she will buy him a return ticket (despite my offer to send £35).

The child has a right to see the mother - contact and maintenance are two separate issues and children aren’t pay per view.

I agree it’s very unfair that the mother isn’t paying maintenance - you need to take this up with the CMS. Don’t stop contact because of it.

But to threaten that unless she pays you won’t allow him to visit her is not right. Your son has a right to see his mother and you are stopping that right.

It’s normally the NRP that gets lumbered with pickups and drop offs. My OH has been separated / divorced for 5 years and the mother refuses to do any (so therefore pay for any). The fairest thing to do would be to share the travel and cost. Do not though use this as a weapon or bargaining tool.

Well done for raising him on your own, I'm sorry that the other parent has provided no help at all. It's quite shocking.

She is definitely being malicious/selfish and playing games. Rise above it as if you tell your son that he may not be able to visit her, you may be playing into her hands as it will make your son more determined.

Sorry you're going through this. You can't reason with idiots/malicious people. Because she can not be trusted, next time get her to transfer the money to your bank account and you purchase the tickets.

Although in fairness, I think she should be paying for both tickets and a whole lot more, no question!! But again, you can't reason with malicious people.

NorthernSpirit - i never stopped contact, son used to live with her till she abandoned him (yet literally). Then i took over as resident parent, and she had court order with defined holiday contact. For a few years she did not want to see him often.
Its just she expects me to do all the running around and payments for contact.
She does not even give him birthday or Xmas presents. This year, firs time ever she bought him a watch worth £100 but told him it was a combined gift for several years (she is not short of money - drives a posh4x4 and big detached house etc).
I have just had enough of the running around and headache for ten years now and thus asked if she would arrange the travel and i would pay 1/2. Instead will not confirm any return travel arrangements and holds me to ranson expecting me to pay more.

Is your son in education? If so she should be paying you contact and you should persue her for maintenance.

It’s normally the NRP who bears the brunt of pick ups and drop offs. Although personally I think parents should share this.

Don’t stop your son seeing his mum over money. There’s no doubt she should be doing more. Take the moral high ground. Your son is old enough to make up his own mind.

NorthernSpirit - he is doing GCSEs.
I been through years of pain as a resident father with the CSA and CMA - she seems to know the loop holes very well to evade payments as much as possible!

I don't see why i should be paying for everything she needs to take some responsibility, and realise he is not a toy she can see and give back when she wants to.

Children aren’t pay per view.

You have to separate maintenance and contact.

If you are the RP then there is no doubt the mother should be paying maintenance.

You should do what you can to facilitate contact (and if that means paying for a train ticket then do it). You are facilitating contact for your son and he will thank you for it. I agree it’s not right, but morally it’s the right thing to do.

I shudder when I hear ‘unless she does so I won’t allow him....’ that sounds very controlling. You won’t ‘Allow’ your 16 year old child to see his mum? Be the better person. You can’t control her and her actions and I don’t agree with them but i wouldn’t punish my child.

I agree with other posters. Don't let this affect your Son.

With regards to the travel card he needs to have it on him when he travels so will need it when he comes home so that he can travel back to her using it at some point in thefuture surely? Otherwise she has paid out for a card and one journey at more than the cost of a full price ticket.

The alternative is for you to buy another card online (not sure if you can claim the original as lost and get a frer replacement?) he can have it in an app on his phone which he then opens when requested by rail staff, that way it's always with him. You can pay the rail fare into his account that way ensuring she doesn't get it.

I'm not making contact dependant on maintenance, but dependent she pays 1/2 and makes it fair.
so far she has not booked a return ticket and wont reply to my email to confirm this and confirm return date.
She messages him saying one thing but will not confirm anything to me. she is just an awkward &*$$ not letting him use rail card to get back home - nothing new, she has done this for years and suspect wont stop.

well, if she is not that keen on seeing him, is it likely that she will keep him for longer? surely she will want to return him sharpish. especially if he starts eating he entire contents of the fridge... and generally being teenagerish.

When he went last Xmas he was desperate to come back quick - he disliked her house rules (no gaming late at night and no TV & not asking for gifts). But this summer he went, stayed for 2 weeks and enjoyed it! (maybe because she took her other kid(s) out with him to McDonalds/pizza hut almost each day!

He seems keen to visit her, but she is so awkward to deal with. She keeps messaging him to come, but wont discuss any plans with me for his interests.

I am not sure who else would allow their child to go on contact with no return date ?

I would ignore the niceties . I need return date.

The rail ticket is so difficult . If you don't pay you are playing into her hands in many ways wrong but I would pay on this occasion and get something more concrete in place for next time

Let it go this time.
For future contact, NRP pays/buys ticket for your DC to go to her, you pay the return ticket.

Tickets can be purchased to be delivered by post and in some places there are now smartcards that either parent can load with a ticket.

I had issues when I was dropping off DC then exh would say he didn't have enough money to pay for petrol to do the return, so it forced me to do all the traveling and pay all the petrol even though like you I get no CM.
I switched so exh was responsible for collecting DC, and I was responsible for getting DC back. It has been so much better since.

Well, she sent me an email today assuring me she will book his return journey back.
DS is adamant to go so i don't want to stop him, also i could do with a break from his attitude in the house.

Hopefully she will realize next time a return ticket is in everyones best interest.

so son travelled yesterday to visit his mum but he had to wait at the station for an hour to be collected in the cold (as she told she was at work - yet tells CMA she is not working!).
Today he has been texting his granddad he wants to come back and does not like it at his mum house (not clean & too strict! )