WWYD contact

[peachy2410]

Ex and I split last Xmas due to his behaviour- catalogue of events from leaving me at the due to his threatening behaviour of hospital staff, ruining of family events eg christening/our daughters birthday, culminating in him throwing water over us in bed in xmas day. I told him to move out.

Fast forward to now. Very sporadic contact since jan- once a week at best, has only had her alone twice (he refuses) as she gets incredibly upset alone with him so I've ended up having to be there too. Every few weeks, he'd blow up shouting swearing marching off for any old reason- out daughter didn't want to play with him, she was whingy, tired, asleep.... anything really. Always late on the one day a week he was scheduled to see her and invariably left early. On her birthday he stormed out swearing and was apparently done with us. He's seen her for 40mins total since Aug.

He has parental responsibility and blows hot and cold saying he wants to see her, when I give day/time (for a regular meet) but state I will drop her off after a couple of weeks, he's not interested!

Where do I stand with decisions with him having parental responsibility? Can I move? Can I go on holiday? If I ask him all I'm going to get is abuse so I can't bring myself to! It's controlling my life and making me so sad :((

Well done if you've got this far! Any advice appreciated!

Exactly, it's all about control. I had this too. Think about it from an outsider's eyes.
Your ex doesn't ever see his dc alone. He doesn't want her for weekends. He barely spends anytime with her.
What will he do if you move? Is he going to engage a solicitor, go to court and announce that he wants to stop you moving to further your career & give your dc a better life just so he can see her for an hour in 6 months. I assume you are not heading for the outer Hebrides. You aren't trying to stop him seeing her.
And on travel, don't ask him, just book it. You have a home, a job, a family in the U.K. You're hardly a flight risk.Just tell him ( in email or text - timed & dated) you'll be in Cos next week and he can see her on two days the following week if he would like. If he kicks off, offer to leave her with him for the week. He'd run a mile!
But keep a diary of when he turns up in future and how much time he spends with dc, so if it came to it, you can show how little commitment he has shown.
You've got to get on with your life and dc's. or you'll spend the next 10 years worrying.

Thank you so much, it's exactly this! I've kept a diary from jan when we split he not spent longer than 6 hours in one go with her since then and supervised rather than 2 occasions where he came back threw her at me (literally) and mouthed off! I have multiple recordings of where he's kicked off shouting swearing slamming doors.
He just seems to want to rear his head every so often. I'll be honest I'd rather he didn't see her as I don't want her to witness or be upset by his behaviour. She's two but very advanced in her speech and understanding. I've offered (granted begrudgingly- cos I'm fed up of picking up the pieces!) and he never says yes which suggests to me he's not that bothered. Surely if he wanted to see her he'd jump at any opportunity??!

I'm hoping you are right with your idea about the hols as that would be the easiest way! I hope!
Just feel like he's holding me and us back, I'm just constantly waiting for the next time!

Thanks for replying xxx

Should ask say- my move it'd be about 4 hours away. But I'd be willing to drive up once a month if required xx

I’m in a similar situation and I don’t tell dc Dad anything. He doesn’t know when we go on holiday, even what nursery dc goes to. He doesn’t care at all, so why should I allow myself to be controlled by him. It will only cause harm to me and my dc in the long term. Let him do the running now and accept he’s useless.

Contact is the right of the child, not the fathers right or your right to withhold. Take the moral high ground and do what’s right for your child (withholding information about the child as per the poster above I find petty, why shouldn’t the dad be told this information)?

It’s upto the dad at this stage. Doesn’t sound like he’s made much effort which is a shame. But..... What if your child wants a relationship in the future? They will see that mum did what she could to support.

If you move 4 hours away then it’s only fair that you do half of the pick ups and drop offs. You’ve moved not him.

northernspirit My dc’s Father is abusive and couldn’t give two shits about his child. Why on earth would I not go out of my way to protect my dc from that?! I’m not being petty, I’m protecting my dc from a vile person!

It may be a child’s right to know their father, but how harmful could it be to them to be constantly let down and witness abusive behaviour? There’s only so much you can do as a mother in this situation. The op has clearly tried to facilitate contact (as have I in the past) but surely concentrating on your dc and doing what is best for them is more important at this stage. He’s clearly shown himself to be a pretty useless dad already?

My OH had to fight to see his children - the mother said that if dared leave her he wouldn’t see the children again. She demanded more and more money (was never enough despite him paying way over the CMS payment, her £500 mortgage in full and her demanding ‘spousal maintenance’. After 2 years of hell he took her to court and now has a formal contact order.

She refuses to pass on any information about the children. She sees it as control. My OH has had to seek out information from the schools, doctors and dentists etc about his own children (much to her dislike and she makes it as difficult as possible).

You see @Bubblespip - there are fathers who genuinely care about their children and want to be part of their lives, but they have vindictive bitter ex wives who make it as difficult as they can for the father.

Children shouldn’t be used as weapons or pawns. When the child is old enough they can decide for themselves.

northernspirit oh I completely get that there are horrible mothers out there who do use their children. But also understand that there are also horrible fathers, and mothers who just want to protect their dc. It does not mean they’re being petty, just scared of the possible repercussions. I don’t tell my dc’s father what nursery she attends, as he has made multiple attempts to disappear with her, whilst putting her at significant risk.

With regards to the op, he has clearly shown himself to be a pretty useless and abusive dad, so do what’s best for you and your dc and let him do the running. If he does, great, if not then it’s clearly no great loss.

No good Dad throws water over his ex partner and dc!

@NorthernSpirit I'm trying to give him the opportunity to see her but don't see that I should have to come as part of the sea. Ideally a contact centre where is can be supervised. But I've said I'd go for a few times to see if he can build up a relationship but he just tells me to F off.

@BubblesPip ** you are right in what you are saying no good dad would chuck water and ultimately it's unfair to live under this pressure all the time it's just how to change it with him having parental responsibility!