Hello there,
I was wondering if any of you wise mumsnetters might be able to help me please?
Me and my ex of 12 years split in June after three months of hell.. deteriorating mental health, meds, counselling, joint counselling etc. I had checked out of the relationship and couldn't go back.. ex plays the eternal victim and literally does not know how to take responsibility for anything.
He presents really well to friends, a kind of boyish charm. But in the relationship he was very neglectful of me and the kids, occasionally very angry with things getting broken and wanted his own way over pretty much everything!! I couldn't survive any longer it was such an unrewarding relationship.
The problem I have now is the contact schedule between ex and the children (ds1 8 years, ds2 5 years and dd who is 3 years old). We are doing one night and day at the weekends (discussed every other weekend but ex doesn't think he'll cope), plus Thursday 3-7pm. He also comes to the house on a Tuesday evening to see them and I go off to the gym for a bit.
We are trying to keep things amicable and have taken the kids out recently together (Lapland uk so v special and neither parent wanted to miss it), he comes to the house etc.
The problem is that the behaviour of the boys has really deteriorated esp mostly when they are at ex's flat.. 5 year old hitting ex and also his little sister, oldest child sits on laptop the whole time. Ex came tonight to see kids at bedtime.. little ones still v chilled and went to sleep nicely then ex was to help our eldest with his home work.. ds1 gave him a merry dance and did literally nothing. Ex put him to bed, ds1 got up and refused to go back to bed. So I got back, ex left and I dealt with him.. firm but fair and I did still give him our special reading time (should I have taken this away?).
Eldest is struggling at school, says his head is full of worries and they are putting in place extra support.. play therapy and work on emotional regulation. Ex doesn't think this is enough and wants him referred to mental health services as he thinks son is on a slippery slope to some serious issues (like my brother who is a drug addict). Ex says that he himself is the victim and that basically our son needs help. I said the whole family system is dysfunctional and we all need help to get through this time.. found a fathers parenting course for him but he doesn't think he needs it. I'm trying to get as much support as I can.. through school and work and also school are supporting son and will move things forward if things don't improve.
I don't know what to do!! Reduce contact? Always supervise? Or expect ex to try and deal with his side of this? I'm shattered, working 30 hours per week and need some time out between the demands of three young children and work. My eldest literally refuses to do his homework and it take hours, it's another way he can exert his control and is soooooooooo hard to get him to do it and is not a positive experience despite offering rewards, help etc.
Does anyone have any thoughts, tips or experiences they can share please because I feel totally out of my depth here...
Thank you soooooo much for reading if you got this far!!!!