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My partner wants me and my kids to live with him

38 replies

2kids1me · 11/12/2017 07:32

Hello, I’m new to this but could use someone else’s opinion.
My partner has been asking for awhile for me and my kids to move in with him.
Whilst I really want to, I can’t physically afford to!
I currently work but I’m not on the best wage and my wage is topped up with tax credits and when we move in together I will lose those - they pay for my childcare so I can work!
Now obviously the rent and bills for the house would be halved but this isn’t working out in my calculations and I will be overstretched. He’s offered to cover a couple extra bills but this doesn’t help much. I’ve tried explaining its a lot of money I will lose and I’m already struggling as it is.
I don’t know what to do, he’s mentioned getting a bill account we both pay half in to for direct debits - that’s ok but then he was very set on then what ever we have left is our own etc ok, it’s his money but I have 2 kids to pay for and he has his own children and I can’t help but feel my 2 will end up worse off Confused
Can anyone offer any advice?
Nothing will change for him financially - he already pays everything and will have half of some of those bills making him better off.
He also said to get family to watch the kids to save money but I’m not as fortunate as him- his family watches his son after school to save him & his ex money on childcare but I can’t do that! In September my son starts school so it won’t be as bad.
Sorry for long thread!
Thanks

OP posts:
Bobbins43 · 11/12/2017 07:37

You don't have to move in if it's not right for you or it doesn't make financial sense. Have you talked to him about how despite the bill halving, it would still leave you with two children to financially support?

Is he not being realistic about your financial situation or is he actively ignoring what he is being told?

Quartz2208 · 11/12/2017 07:40

So the situation benefits him and disadvantages you - no I would not move you don’t seem to be in an equal relationship

Cantwaitforchristmas · 11/12/2017 12:50

Absolutely not. He's getting all the benefits of you living there & you & your DC's will suffer Confused

I really wouldn't get yourself into a situation you can't get out of easily.

NorthernSpirit · 11/12/2017 15:31

All the responses here say no based on finances, loosing benefits.

Do you love him? Do you see a future together? If the answer is yes, then find a way to make it work. You only live once and deserve happiness.

StormTreader · 11/12/2017 15:37

He doesnt seem to be thinking about whether this would be a good move for YOU - I'd be thinking a lot about why that is and if thats the case with everything...

RandomMess · 11/12/2017 16:15

Hmmm I suspect he just sees that he will be better off financially and in term if you doing housework, plus he will have to make less effort to see you oh and sex on tap every night...

Sorry if I'm being too cynical!

Cabininthewoods69 · 11/12/2017 16:28

Write it all down and show him income and out goings. Do it for how you are now and if you move in with him. I would wait until your dc are settled at school and see if you could manage better once they are without the child care costs. Or maybe work a few evenings or weekend to top money up and he can look after the kids. Sorry I don't have much help

pullingmyhairout1 · 11/12/2017 16:38

What Cabin says. My partner and I just did that. Worked out I lost £150 per month but I am no longer dependent on tax credits and longer term I can make that up with work so in a way short term pain, long term gain.

2kids1me · 12/12/2017 07:46

Thanks everyone - perhaps the cynic in me hasn’t painted the best picture of him.
I do love him and I do want to make it work.
How ever we have run through finances and he knows my current situation and the one I will be in when we live together. As I say he’s tried to say he will pay for a few extra things and suggested we both put our cars together to buy one car so I don’t have that expense. But as I say this still doesn’t seem to be helping - his suggestions have been to get more money at work and also take my ex to the CSA for more money for my kids.
Both plausible but if I can’t gain anything that way - where does that leave the situation?
I think perhaps i should mention my ex rinsed me for everything I have and I fear I’m panicking about it happening again. Maybe I’m making mountains out of molehills? But I don’t want to take my kids from broke but making it to a situation where it all collapses.
My kids aren’t his so I feel unreasonable suggesting perhaps he needs to input more on his side? But then if he wants me and all I come with is this a fair thing to ask for?
I feel I’m waffling now lol sorry x

OP posts:
TrojansAreSmegheads · 12/12/2017 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AdalindSchade · 12/12/2017 07:55

Don't do it!

expatinscotland · 12/12/2017 08:06

'All the responses here say no based on finances, loosing benefits.

'Do you love him? Do you see a future together? If the answer is yes, then find a way to make it work. You only live once and deserve happiness.'

Because on Planet Reality, we all have to make a living. NO, OP! Just say NO. He's a 50/50er and you cannot afford it. He is asking you to give up all your financial security to make things easier for him. You need to imagine the worst case scenario, because the fact is that you are a lone parent, and that makes you and your children vulnerable. So what will you do if it doesn't work out and he tells you to get out of his house, even after say, 5 years. You'll be looking at homelessness (best of luck finding a landlord to take partial benefits and children) and Universal Credit.

NONE of his solutions involves taking responsibility himself - get your family to do childcare, get your ex to pay more, get more money at work. It's about making things easier for him.

Your moving in has ZERO impact on his financially and major consequences for you and your kids. LOL @ your getting rid of your car and just having one with him. It sounds like he wants more control over you, and this is exactly how he'll do it.

'That doesn't work for me and my kids just now. So I can't move in.' Rinse and repeat. Because moving in with him is a non-starter for you. Your primary responsibility is to your kids, not a boyfriend, and moving in with him puts them at serious financial risk. NO, NO, NO.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/12/2017 08:11

What expat says with bells on.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Which leaves you at just No. It doesn't work for you.

How is he reacting to your resistance?

PickAChew · 12/12/2017 08:16

Nah, you're right to be wary. It's not just you to think about but the kids, too. Both yours and his.

If he's that keen for you to enmesh your lives, he can take a little time to make it a more attractive proposition for you. if he's not willing to improve his circumstances and wait for you, then be glad you didn't take the risk.

expatinscotland · 12/12/2017 08:16

'I don’t know what to do, he’s mentioned getting a bill account we both pay half in to for direct debits - that’s ok but then he was very set on then what ever we have left is our own etc ok, it’s his money but I have 2 kids to pay for and he has his own children and I can’t help but feel my 2 will end up worse off confused'

Of course he is! LOL, because he gets his bills halved whilst you get shafted.

Your ex rinsed you. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

newdaylight · 12/12/2017 08:22

The point you should consider moving in together in this case is the point where everyone benefits equally from a household budget... certainly not where you pay for your kids and he pays for his.

MotherCupboard · 12/12/2017 08:23

You'd be foolish to risk your kids stability for a bloke.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 12/12/2017 08:33

I have been in that situation and chose to keep the financial estability. Someway it feels like when you want a divorce but can’t afford to move out, with the difference that now you are married to the TC.

There is not an easy solution, as he may resent you being so stretched with money or having to contribute to your children upkeep. But if he really treats you as if you all were his family, I would give it a go, lots of families find their way and you can still apply to TC as a couple if you do not earn enough.

Now, if he is the kind of person who separates his money and yours, insists in 50/50 when it comes to expenses and feels no responsibility for your children. Forget about it, it is not going to work.

Theresnonamesleft · 12/12/2017 08:50

He’s all me me me.
He retains his place.
His expenses are cut by half.
Share one car - how would that work anyway?

Meanwhile you will be financially worse off.

wednesdayswench · 12/12/2017 09:22

He stays in his house, and moves you in:

You contribute 50/50 to the bills.

You are available to cook & clean.

Not to I mention a warm body in his bed every night.

You lose your tax credits

Possible forfeit your car and have to share

Become reliant on him to cover some of your costs (as long as he's happy with this arrangement, he may not always feel this generous)

You have less money every month for your kids.

OP I've read too many threads on here written by women who have become financially reliant on the partners and feel trapped please don't do it.

Butterymuffin · 12/12/2017 09:33

Expat's line is good. To add to that I'd suggest 'I can't do something that takes money away from my kids. That would be irresponsible of me'.

Branleuse · 12/12/2017 09:38

dont do it.

Starlight2345 · 12/12/2017 09:48

Just curious is his home rented or owned?

I would not move in to a situation where my child would suffer..

I am not sure what you gain from it..Till he is ready to blend everything then it is a no

DXBCat · 12/12/2017 09:51

No way. It's all on his terms and you will end up stressed and resentful. Put yourself and your kids first.

BestZebbie · 12/12/2017 09:52

What about if he moved in with you, and paid half of your bills? (You'd still lose tax credits so it probably wouldn't be much different)
Also, you need to pay into a bills account as a ratio of your earnings, eg: if he earns twice as much as you do then he puts in £2 for every £1 that you put in.

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