Struggling with being a mum

[penguinparade]

This isn't an easy thing to write but I really need help/advice regarding this.

I'm a single mum to two girls aged 2 and 3.5. Have been split up with my ex for just under two years. He cheated on me/had an affair throughout my pregnancy and throughout our youngest first few weeks until I found up. I immediately left him and I've never looked back.
My current circumstances are good. I have a new partner of a year who is amazing both with me and the girls. I now own my own flat. Have a good job working four days per week. I just really struggle being a mum to my daughters.
As soon as they go to their dads(two days per week) I have time to reflect on our week together and I'm almost always feeling like I've failed them. Im a shouty parent and I don't want to be. If I keep going they're going to end up hating me when they're older. My youngest still doesn't sleep at nights. I'm exhausted. I feel like I have no interest in toys/craft projects. I love taking them on days out but it feels like a chore to actually get to the point of going out. Like I have to force myself. I've considered going to the doctors for help. I'm not sure if it would work. Has anyone else felt like this? Sometimes I wish my ex could have them full time but I know if it ever came to that I'd instantly regret it. All I want is a close loving relationship with them. I love them more than anything. I really do. I sometimes bring them in beside me through the night so I can feel closer to them. Just every day feels like a challenge.

Sorry if this is rambling. I'm crying as I type this. It's the first time I've ever spoke about how I feel.

There are many things here. Please don't be so hard on yourself. We don't all like doing all kids stuff. I hate role playing type games and hate it when my son suggests I play them! Can you find other things you like to do? It does get easier as they get bigger.
Maybe try some tactics when you want to shout, take a breath, lower your voice instead, get down to their eye level and talk to them seriously. I'm not a shouter, like you I don't like it, but my son knows when I'm cross!
Take it easy, being a mum is hard xx

They're at a really difficult age and you've been through such a lot already.

You sound like you're doing fine to me - personally I found once they hit four I shouted and lost my temper less as they were more capable of being reasoned with.

Don't beat yourself up. We're all just doing the best we can

Also if you think you might be depressed, yes it will 100% help going to the drs. Don't keep trying to fight it alone x

Thank you both for your lovely replies. I wasn't sure what to expect when I posted this. They are both at such a hard age. I feel like I've been parenting toddlers forever. I don't want to wish the time away but I can't help thinking when they're older it'll be easier. I remember thinking to myself last year that this year would be easier but it hasn't been all that different.

I don't know if I'm depressed. And I don't want to waste the GP's time if I'm not. My current partner works away a lot and he has been away for some time now so that probably has a lot to do with my mood. I'm definitely going to try tactics as suggested so I don't jump straight to shouting. Shouting doesn't get us anywhere and usually results in us all in tears.

I promise you, one day you will look back and realise how easy life has become. My DS is a breeze at 7yo now. Of course I'm an idiot as I'm PG again with DC2 so I'm sure I'm heading back to a dark place next year!

Let us know how you get on, and if things don't get better I would definitely encourage you to talk to your GP. They will complete an assessment on depression, they won't just assume you are/aren't and it does help. Going to the GP when I had PND saved me, but I didn't go willingly, I was basically frogmarched there.

Virtual hugs

Like all have said above you sound perfectly normal for a single parent with children of your ages. It’s hard I know but it will get easier. And the good thing is they won’t remember you shouting!
Just remind yourself you are doing a great job especially what you’ve been through x