What would you do? (LONG!)

[Littlelemon]

I am looking for as many opinions as possible on this as I really don't know what to do and don't want to discuss it with RL friends as most do not have children or any experience of a similar situation.
This is long but please bear with me as it is not straightforward (whose break-up is?!) but I want to make sure that I am presenting all of the facts.
A bit of background:
I separated from my ex-h over two years ago. He works overseas and does not have a base in the UK as he has been away since he was a teenager.
He has seen the children just once and that was two months after we had left him. The visit did not go well. He turned up a day late for starters, the day after this he overslept due to a hangover and did not meet us in the arranged place at the arranged time. He stayed in the area for a few days and used this time to grill people that I know for details of my life. He went away for a few days and then came back again for a last visit before leaving the country. On this last occasion he was 3 hrs late.
So, none of this was good but I didn't argue with him as I find him intimidating and I knew we would be free of him very soon.
He has done lots of sneaky things that are really besides the point but do matter to me in terms of his trustworthiness and reliability. These sort of things are telling untruths to former friends and family, attempting to sell our UK property behind my back, lying to his solicitor about assets and debts and our marriage, etc.
It has been an 'amicable' divorce in that we never see or speak to each other and I have never confronted him about any of the things that he has done. He does not pay any maintainance and does not stay in regular contact.
He was supposed to visit the girls in November and had e-mailed me in September to tell me so. However, I did not hear from him again until 3 weeks after his supposed arrival date. He had only a few days and wished to see them on a Sunday afternoon and visit McDonalds(!). I told him that we had other plans and so he did not see them and left the country again. I e-mailed him and told him that it would be a good idea to build up correspondence with the girls as he knew little of them and it would be a good idea to get them used to the idea of him in their lives. I didn't get a reply.
Two weeks ago a letter from him arrived, addressed to the girls,telling them how he was going to be visiting them between x and y date. This was a stay of four days.
He did not acknowledge me in this letter at all or ask my permission. The girls are 3 and 6 yrs old so he knew that I would have to read it to them but made no reference to me at all.
So the question is, should I let him see them?
My youngest does not remember him, or even know of his existence as I do not talk about him to her. My 6 yr old does remember him but does not want to see him. I have tried to coax her into it many times but she stands firm and shuts down. She remembers him shouting a lot when she was little and never had a bond with him. I absolutely have not ever tried to poison the girls against im. However, I am at fault for not talking about him at all I suppose.
The problem I have had is not knowing when he is next going to rear his head and decide to be a father to them. He will never see them more than once or twice a year, even if he gets his act together due to the nature of his job/life. He does have the choice to visit the UK more but instead holidays elsewhere. As far as I can see, whilst they are little he will add nothing to their lives as he will not be a constant presence and will not phone or write to them. He already has two children by a former marriage and has treated them in the same way. The difference is that their mother is much more chilled out than I am and lets him pick them up and drop them whenever he likes - which is generally once a year. I also anticipate that the girls are going to freak out and not want to go with him. He is a stranger to them - especially my youngest.They have lots of positive male role models in their lives and everything is going so happily and smoothly. I am worried that he could upset the girls and that just doesn't seem fair.

Thank you very much if you have made it this far. And I really would appreciate hearing any opinion that you have.

fuch him. He pays you no maintenance and expects to see his dd's when he feels like it? Wanker, let him fight for access if he really wnats it.

I would feel uncomfortable about leaving them with him tbh. I'd therefore refuse permission to take them off, but rather invite him round for tea and biscuits and line up a few nice things for you all to do together to keep that time ticking over. Play's always a good way of starting to break down barriers and build relationships. He ought to be able to recognise how small and vulnerable they were when you split and still are and how tenuous their relationship is as a result.

This is about the children. When they are older they will want to know about their father. This is my suggestion (for what it's worth!) - let him see them but insist on a chaperone (you or another close family member who you and the children trust), so that the children are relaxed. Explain to him that the children are too nervous to go with a virtual stranger without this arrangement. On this basis, once a year, it will not have much impact on the children. And they will not be able to blame you in the future for his lack of contact. Hope this helps.

Hmm, those responses sound exactly like the conflicting voices that I hear in my head!

I just don't see any evidence that he cares - and I mean properly cares, about my little girls. I don't feel like they belong to him and I don't trust him with them. How would he know that he must still keep them close to him on a main road? He has no experience with small children on a day to day basis. Would he think to be extra extra careful in car parks and put them in the car before doing anything else? Things like that go through my mind...would he lay his life down for them and do everything to ensure their well being? Argghhh. I'm not an overprotective parent but if I said any of this to him he would go bonkers and make out that I was nuts for saying it.

And Carmenere - I feel so tempted to follow what you say. In my heart of hearts that is what I want to do. But I really worry about the fall out from that in years to come. And I know that the courts would not back me up. Mind you, I doubt he would take it any further. But then I don't know that either. This man has become a stranger to me since I left him. I cannot anticipate his reaction to anything as he is so unpredictable.
The other problem is purely selfish. I don't think I can stand to spend any length of time with him. I find him intimidating and he has a rather bullying nature. I know that he will be sweetness and light to the girls. But thinking of having to sit with him makes me feel physically sick. When I left him it was very sudden and a real escape for me from a truly horrible marriage. I should put the girls first though, right? I have no family that would feel comfortable to act as chaperones. My parents live away and my siblings are uneasy in his presence.
I just feel as though the only person this benefits is him. He wants to see them. They are not at all interested in him and are happy as they are.

he sounds like my ex

i'd say let him come and visit but not let them go off with him, he needs to get to know them, and they need to start trusting him

let him put in the effort for the rewards

No way your little ones need stability, they are not a toy he can pick up when he is bored of everything else, I would say on your bike.

What an awful situation for you. I think you should follow your own ideas when you really already know the answer to this man who will let them down repeatedly.

Thanks for your responses everybody.

Lou - I've seen you post before and thought there were some similarities between my ex-h and yours. I am waiting to hear the news that he's hitched (again) or an expectant father to be (again)!

I think I have decided to allow a small window of time for him to visit them, with me there (gulp). Maybe a quick trip to the park will keep him away for another year. I'm hoping that the girls will virtually ignore him and that will put him off. I'd rather that the shunning was on their part rather than his, and their decision. Of course, they may adore him - urghh.

Thank you again girls....I was half expecting at least one post of condemnation! You've all been very thoughtful and have really helped me in my muddled mind.

funny how they seem so great at the time but can turn into such buggers, isnt it?

mine is about to be a daddy again in may

I think that it is important for the little ones to see their daddy, as someone else has said it will hound you when the girls are older. But I have to say that I think you need to be present when he is there

Good luck with it all

Little lemon i think you need to put the kids first,now to some this would mean having them see him,but listen to what your girls are telling you???? the youngest doesnt even know him and the eldest is expressing her wish not to see him.Ther little lives are going "so happily and smoothly" why let him interupt that,you were spot on in saying that the only one who would benefit here is him,by seeing the girls.
I stopped access from my ex for a year,we have been apart for 5,he was fine the first 2 years then for the next year and half he messed them abotu soemthign terrible,never knowing whenhe was comign to visit etc,my eldest ds has sever autism so ex cant be left alone with him as he doesnt know his needs.
After the year he seemed to sit up and take notice and has since visited them on a proper schedule,funny how he managed that only once he split with his new g/f,coincedence or what ??
Now he does see them every 8 weeks,the kids arent really fussed to be honest,dd spends all her time attached to my hip when he is here cause he hasnt taken the effort to get to know her,she is 4 and we split while i was pg with her.
Go with your gut and act for your girls,dont let anythign else worry you ! especially not some twat picking them up like they are toys!

I agree with miniandme. Its not necassarily true that your DD's will want to know him whan they get older. I think that sometimes a relationship at all costs (escpecially if he is a twat!) is not the way to go. Your DD's don't want to see him.. I wouldn't force them.He is unreliable, sneaky and offers no emotional or financial support. It would be like leaving them with some random strange bloke...imagine how traumatic that would be for them. Stand your ground and ignore him..he will go away in the end.