Accused of parental alienation

[Kaykay1234]

I really could do with some help! I posted on here a few weeks ago about problems with ex and his extended family seeing our children. Some people mentioned court and not being so scared of it so another argument about his family I suggested that maybe mediation and court might help us both know where we are with contact and other issues.
My ex has now been saying that he’ll get me ‘done for parental alienation’ because he knows that our children don’t always like seeing him. They cry and hold onto the door frame and the car when I drop them off. I’ve tried talking to our children and ex about this but they say they get bored, that he shouts at them etc and ex doesn’t think anything is wrong. I always take and pick up our children for contact, don’t get any maintenance (different issue I know), accommodate my ex cancelling them last minute etc.
I don’t talk to the children about my ex and keep my opinion (not very high I admit) of him to myself. He says that I don’t try hard enough to get them to want to go. I don’t say to them oh your dad is great, or put him on a pedestal/make excuse for him cancelling them, but I never say anything negative about him (try and stay neutral really) and I always take them even if they are crying begging not to go.
This is all probably another scare tactic on his part, but I am nervous enough as it is about all of this. Just some advice would be good please :(

I don't honestly think he'd have the nerve, but if you haven't done so already start keeping a diary. Take note of things like dates he cancels on them, how they are when they come home and before they go. Any time you see him shouting at them are there any independent witnesses to this.

It might also help to get schools input at some point do they behave differently more subdued if they are due to go to him etc.

Don't worry if you are doing all has been agreed between you both and as you said you are receiving nothing from him, he has nothing on you and his words are just his own frustration to try and bully you.

How old are your dc? The older they are, the more their opinion counts. And I agree about keeping a diary. Most useful too ever!!

Tell your ex he needs to pick them up from school on a Friday and take them back on Monday so that they don’t get any negative vibes from you on the way to his place - as you feel that looking at your behaviour you manage really well to stay neutral at every other time but now think possibly that the children maybe picking up a negative vibe from you coming to his place. So to stop this he needs must even, pick up from school or get a family member to

Then distance yourself further and further

He’s a head fuck

We have an 8 year old daughter and a 4 year old son. Unfortunately, because of work ex can’t take or pick up children from school. He has them every other weekend and a couple of dinners during the week. He doesn’t have them on Friday at all because he says it’s his day to go out to the pub etc. I try my best to not have any negative vibes but of course I don’t look forward to having to forcefully take our children out of the car and I’m going to be worried for them which they would pick up on. I don’t want them having memories of me forcing them physically to go or them resent me for not listening to them begging not to go (it’s more our 8 year old, our 4 year old is more copying than really understanding). I have spoken to ex about this but it gets rushed under the carpet or I get accused of putting ideas in their head.
I’m keeping a diary at the moment for our (hopefully) upcoming mediation.
I am very nervous in general and all I’m doing is trying to maintain peace and contact with them.

I know you don’t have negative vibes

But he needs to man up and do the collecting from school - if his work gets in the way I’m sure he can sort out family to pick up etc, it’s nit your job to be facilitating him

It’s a way of making him take responsibility
Which he doesn’t do, as you do the responsibility for him by accommodating him working by picking up from school then you drive the children to his house

You reasoning will be well it’s for the children
And all the time it’s showing the children mum runs around after daddy

You’d be surprised how saying no to Dad and stating I’m not doing all the running around so you need to pick up and I’ll fetch - he will take it or leave it but I would put money on him leaving it as having the children is a hassle for him

Google "Annies story" it might help you understand how the children feel and how you might be accidentally influencing how the children are reacting.

I googled it and I’m guessing it was the one with the radar and transition bridge? Couldn’t find anything else that it could be if not.
It was interesting to read but I can’t really relate to me in that I’ve never not taken the children for contact. They’ve always gone and I’ve told them it’s important to go and talk about fun things they do with ex. I’ve even tried talking to him about shouting and not using the tv as a babysitter. I think our 4 year old is copying his sister but she’s nearly 9 now and this behaviour is nothing new. They’ve never gone skipping off happily and when we were together it wasn’t a great relationship hence why it ended.
I know I’m not the most positive about it but there’s been times our daughters been angry and hurt by me saying that it will be fine etc etc trying to encourage a better relationship. I can only do so much really.

Your 9 year old have her own voice if she doesn't want to go don't force her.
My 7 year old didn't want to go and got upset I forced het and when there she was fine. I must admit I stopped and told her she's to explain to het why. After afew weeks of hearing what the others had been up to she started going again

I really would suggest in writing that he do pick ups on Friday after school and you’ll collect them on Sunday after contact to make the contact process easier for the children as you can’t cope with having to physically force them to have contact. Or something.

I read the new alienation thing and if this had been something that could be used incourt when my children were going thro contact it would have added an extra layer of hell for them. My DC had to have contact till my eldest hit ten and the courts finally listened to her. Prior to that my eldest would be physically sick and have stomach pains leading up to contact and my youngest became so desensitized to being hurt she actually stopped telling anyone if she got physically hurt by class mates as she decided that she didn’t matter and nobody would listen to her anyway, because I couldn’t protect her from ex.

I fucking hate the children’s matters court process.

Speak to school as well see how your children are before and after contact at school. Let school know what’s happening if they don’t already. Keep a record of what school says too.