Any experiences of parental alienation?

[wonderstuff99]

I believe this is currently happening to my son, who is 8, through his father.

We broke up in 2014 but contact has been on/off due to ex dropping off the scene several times. Currently he has contact overnight contact once a week and every 2nd Saturday and this has been going on since Sept. My ex was emotionally abusive and physically on two occasions, which were logged by the police.

My son has made a few comments I believe may have come from ideas my ex is putting in his head.

I am engaged and my son and partner have a good relationship. My son sees my partner's parents fairly regularly and has always really enjoyed going to their house.. However, a few days ago DS commented that they weren't his "real"family. I commented that DP's daughter isn't his "real" sister but he calls her his sister and that it's not about blood, it's about who shows they love and care about you. When I told my mother and friend about this comment, their initial reaction straight away was, someones given him that idea and I have to agree that it doesn't sound like something DS would say.

Ex's family broke contact with DS when we broke up, with the exception of his brother and sister in law. The rest DS hasn't spoken to or visited in years, their decision, they knew my phone number/email/address but never once did he receive a bday or christmas present/card/message from any of them. I believe my Ex has got wind that DS enjoys spending time with my partner's family and this is where the "real" family comment came from

He has currently away for 2 nights with his dad visiting his uncle (the one who did stay in contact with) as he has health problems. The agreement was I would call him last night and tonight. When I spoke to him last night, the first thing he said was, can you not call me tomorrow? Again, very strange thing for an 8yo to come out with by himself and pretty sure his dad told him to say that.

I know it may not seem like much but knowing his dad and what he's capable of (he emotionally abused me for years and it tool counselling to make me realise this), I do believe that he is starting to manipulate DS in the hope of alienating him from me. I'm also aware that this kind of situation is one that chips away for a long time and can escalate very quickly.

Does anyone have any experience with a situation like this and how did you deal with it?

I wouldn't draw any definite conclusions from your DS saying they're not his "real" family. At 8 I would expect children to be making comments as they begin to try to understand their family situation. It doesn't stand to reason that your ex definitely told him that.

Your DS may also have asked you to call him tomorrow of his own accord. Perhaps your DS finds it difficult to speak to you when he's at his dad's - perhaps it reminds him he's away from his mum and that makes him uncomfortable? Have you considered, given how short a space of time he has with his dad, to just let him spend that time with his dad without the phone calls? Perhaps it's creating an anxiety in your DS (that may even be why your ex is intervening, which he may not even be doing).

However, I have to say that I think you may need to look at your own wording of things. You said you told DS that family is about who shows their love to you. That is a rather thinly veiled comment about his father and his father's family, is it not? If we're talking about parental alienation, that has the potential in itself to be viewed as alienating.

I hope I haven't come across as overly harsh here - I understand you have suffered at the hands of your ex. But in terms of parental alienation, which is what you are talking about here, I don't see it (apart from, I have to say, your comment about family). I hope that doesn't upset you and I don't have the intention to upset you - it's just an observation from an outside perspective based purely on what the content of your message, which I understand may not be the full story.

I have experience of this and what you describe is very common. I don't agree with PotatoSalad AT ALL. It's important not to over-react when you pick up on the influence and not to attach too much importance to it, especially as the aim is to stir things up. Neùtral discussion is good - eg to the real family comment 'oh what do you think real family is' but in a very neutral/open-minded tone.