Advice needed!!! Please!!

[sickofmylife]

Hi, I'm new on this site but on reading some of the threads, u all seem very friendly and so i'm wondering if anybody can give me any advice on my current situation!
I have a 10 year old daughter and split from her father approx 2 years ago. the reason we split was because he was violent and very controlling. my daughter blamed me for daddy going away and i went through hell with her for months. we came to an agreement that he would pay me £50 a month in maintenance - even though he works full time and earns a good wage, he said this was all he could afford! Anyway, he now sees her as and when he can be bothered, the last time he took her out he had her from 9am - 5pm and all he gave her to eat was a packet of biscuits! i asked him to babysit for me last weekend because i was going out (which he did) but because i didnt tell him i was going out with a new boyfriend, he is now saying he will never have her overnight again and will not pay me any maintenance because i lied to him!!! I threatened him with the CSA but he replied that he will just pack his job in (which i know he would) and that he will not see our daughter at all - and tell her that its all my fault. i'm really at a loose end now and dont know what to do. he has me over a barrel really because i dont want to mess my daughter around anymore (she thinks the sun shines out of daddys arse) but at the same time i dont want him still controlling my life! We were never married and she has my surname so he has no parental rights but..could i go to court and 'force' him to have regular access does anybody know?? Any advice anybody could give me on my situation would be very gladly received!
thanks in advance xxx

Not really able to give you any advice hun but didn't want you to think there was no-one here
It sounds as though he is a weak man and is trying to blackmail you emotionally. You have every right to expect him to contribute financially towards your dd. You cannot force him to maintain contact with her, but wht kind of a parent would choose not to ?? ... don't let him make you feel bad if this is what he chooses ... one day your daughter will see him for what he truly is ... and likewise she will see you for the truly loving mother you are.
Welcome on here ... others will be along with more useful stuff soon, sending you big hugs xx

god, i am sick to death of seeing these posts about men making women's lives hell for no bloody reason.

Perhaps its an idle threat, that he'll 'give up his job' so he doesnt have to give you any money, yet you would be entitled to £10 a week anyhow if he was on bens, or even if its a fiver, it would be better than having him getting all god like over the measly £50 he's dishing out.

He has no right to tell you anything. Are they all such miserable, childish twunts? seems liek it to me.

We get to have all the responsibility, and they throw their toys out the pram.

Remember, i know its hard, to not let him bully you. If he gives up his job, then he'll be in the poo wont he.

what an arse, and i thought my ex was a primadonna!

Thanks to both of you for replying to me...I know I have to stay strong and not let him bully me anymore - i just find it so hard! I'm pleased i joined this site now - hopefully by reading threads and talking to fellow mums who's ex's are complete and utter twunts (i love that word!!), i can find the strength to put a stop to my evil ex and his controlling ways!

thanks again
xxxxx

What a twunt! FWIW I think you should find out what he would have to pay under the CSA (if you know roughly what he earns) and threaten to go to the CSA by such a date if you have not received what he should pay - if he gives up his job (which I many men threaten but not so many do) well you will be £50 a month worse off but at least he's not controlling you.

As for the access, maybe writing a letter setting out times/dates that suit everybody and see what happens? OR you could try mediation - any good family lawyer can refer you. As a last resort you could stop contact altogether unless he will stick to a routine and take legal advice.

Thanks for your reply zoo...think i am goin to contact CSA because i've had enough of it now. As for stopping contact, that wouldnt bother him! We had a 'falling out' a few months ago because i was pushing him for my maintenance and he responded by ringing my daughter and telling her that daddy wouldnt be seeing her ever again and that it was all mummys fault because she was trying to take all his money!!!! My daughter was so upset by this and hated me for what i had 'done' that i eventually backed down and let him off with that months payment. I have considered going to a solicitor and asking them to write him a letter suggesting he has regular access (i.e. 2 set days a week or something) and pays me on time, hoping this will frighten him into doing it..but knowing the twunt as i do, i doubt it will! I've never ever hated somebody so much in my whole life!

His behaviour is despicable. I am so sorry for you. I nearly posted earlier - but am probably in too much of a similiar siutation to be much help. Difference is my xp adores our ds and loves spending time with him but refuses to pay any money - all on my thread - what would be reasonable? It must be so hurtful for you when you are doing the right thing for him to behave like that and try and turn you dd away from you. It's so hard to be strong - but he is being unreasonable and your dd will realise that in time. You can refer yourself to mediation and if you are on legal aid it is free - whether you ex will go - you will have to wait and see. Stay strong, talk to your close friends and family for their support and great news you have a new boyfriend - hope that is going ok.

Thanks Harra, he really is an awful person. He also has 2 sons from previous relationships ... but hasnt seen either of them since they were a few months old (and doesnt pay for them either!), i suppose at least he does see my daughter - even if it is just when he can be bothered with her. Its really hard not to slag him off to her especially since she thinks so much of him but obviously i know that it wouldnt do her any good to do that! I have started keeping a diary though of whats going on so that in years to come when shes old enough, i can show her exactly what he's been like. As for the mediation, i know for a fact he wouldnt go he would be 'too busy'...as usual. I do have a new boyfriend now (we've been together a few months) but i can tell that my ex's behaviour is already starting to threaten this relationship - especially when he tells her that mummy's new boyfriend is a nasty person, that he's gonna kick his head when he see's him etc.... I really really wish a double decker bus would come along and knock this twunt into next year - but im not that lucky

Sorry to hear of your similar situation, why are some men such bastards?!!!

What a wanker, at 10 are you able to explain to your daughter that you want her to have a good relationship with her dad and not cover for him if he does not see her?
To be honest I would have set the CSA on him ages ago.
My DP paid his exW £50 per week for their son (until she left her son with us permanently) and she pays £150 per month through the CSA to us, I don't think her job is that well paid either.
I think if he gives up his job he will have to find another or he will not get any job seekers allowance for 26 weeks and then its about £50 per week.
Would he really do that to himself? (although my ex did) twat!

She wouldnt listen to me, she still blames me for daddy going away (as i was the one who kicked him out). I honestly think he would pack his job in and would live off bread and water if he had to - just to get at me!! I am going to do it though, its got to the point now where i really dont give a shit if hes homeless, jobless or dead lol!

By all means make a claim to the CSA, but just don't rely on getting anything through them! I'm sure many on here can tell you they have waited years... Until the day comes when we get an effective CSA (if ever) I would say, just don't rely on getting any money at all, treat anything you get as a bonus and realise you have the ability to care for your daughter on your own - you don't need him or his money. Regarding contact, if he doesn't want to see his daughter, you can't force him. You just focus on being a good, reliable parent for your daughter, and refuse to join in with his silly game playing.

Thanks neva, i will apply to the CSA and tbh if i dont get anything then it isnt the end of the world - im not getting anything at the moment so even £1 a week would be a bonus!! As for him not wanting to see her, i know you're right. I just have to be strong and continue to be here for her until shes old enough to realise what a complete and utter tosspot he is!

Pleased you changed your name - positive. I'm off to mediation now - but not to discuss money (xp doesn't want to despite not paying a penny and having shed loads of assets!!!!)
As I've read up contact and finance are treated very differently - so your ex should see it like that too. I'm sure he doesn't, but if you go to the CSA (which you are well within your rights to do) and he says he won't see his dd try and explain that they are 2 different things and that you really want him to have a relationship with your dd (if you still do that is). I've read other threads on here where mums have really pushed relationships between exes and dc and a lot with good results. My hat off to them - I don't think I could be quite so generous particuarly in your case where your ex is badmouthing you and feeding your dd biscuits for a whole day instead of normal food. Keep doing the right thing - it is so hard and I am having real dificulties doing it at the moment.

Thanks for that Harra. It is really hard and i never know whether i'm doing the right thing or not! What's right for dd is usually wrong for me because it means i end up out of pocket or badmouthed and bullied by him. Then again, whats right for me (having nothing at all to do with him) is obviously wrong for her! Something which i didnt mention before but probably should have, is that because of the job i do, i work away from home one day a month and this sometimes incurs an overnight stay. He is the only person that will have dd overnight for me (well, when he feels like it) as all of my family are completely useless and wont do this for me or dd. So i guess sometimes i try to keep him happy because i need him and i know thats wrong to do that but what other option do i have?!

He sounds awful, likemylife. Like harra I'm in a similar situation to you and so not best placed to offer advice but certainly lots of sympathy.

Atrocious that all he gace your daughter to eat during a day long visit was a packet of biscuits. That makes me so on you and your DD's behalf.

Good luck with the CSA.

"What's right for dd is usually wrong for me because it means i end up out of pocket or badmouthed and bullied by him"

Hmmm, snap.

And I too have to depend on XP for some things, I'm in much the same situation you describe. Horrible, isn't it?

Hi Janos, yep it is indeed horrible! Really sorry to hear that your situation is so similar to mine - why did we get involved with these men in the first place??! lol. It really annoys me that he still has so much control over my life i.e. will say he'll babysit so i can go out for a night out (once in a blue moon) and then rings up an hour before he's supposed to be picking dd up and drops me in! Which means of course that i can no longer go out as i dont have anybody else. It does really get me down sometimes but i have to stay positive for dd's sake.