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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Single Parent by Choice for Number 2?

17 replies

TomboyFemme · 27/10/2017 08:41

I have a 6yo Dd and really no prospects of being able to start a relationship what with her and work. Her father chooses to have no contact so it's just me. I feel very strongly that I need another baby. It's already quite a big gap as realistically Dd would be at least 8 before a baby was born.

Would it be very stupid to have a baby by myself, with donor sperm? I've already been single throughout pregnancy and been an entirely single parent so I know what it's like. I don't want to choose that again but also wouldn't want to not have another because I'm scared of that.

Has anyone had a second baby on their own by choice?

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Original poster

TomboyFemme · 27/10/2017 12:23

Or am I being utterly mad and just need to completely forget about another and just focus on me and Dd?!

OP posts:

TreacleFarl · 27/10/2017 16:46

Bumping for you OP.

My DS's dad does see him but there's no prospect of another relationship with anyone and I would really like to have another. I've considered going to a sperm bank too.

Proudtrout · 27/10/2017 17:51

I don’t think you’re mad at all. And it’s not as unusual as you might think nowadays. I’d be very tempted were my situation different.

If you’re on Facebook look up EllamentalMama x

Original poster

TomboyFemme · 27/10/2017 18:24

Thanks both. I really go back and forth on it, one part of me thinks fgs just focus on the child you have and forget anything else. The other parts aches for another baby. It would mean giving birth alone, going through another pregnancy totally unsupported, maybe being unfair to Dd because there'd be no one to take the strain so that she got what she needed from me instead of just the baby. How do you decide?!

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Original poster

TomboyFemme · 27/10/2017 18:24

TreacleFarl, do you think you will?

OP posts:

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 27/10/2017 18:33

If I were you, I’d do it. You aren’t doing it with rose tinted glasses, sounds like you have a support system if doing it alone already and she is older- not like you’ve got 2 under 3 or anything. I have two friends who wish they had now. They were too worried to go for it at the time. One did meet someone eventually but it didn’t happen.

HotelEuphoria · 27/10/2017 18:35

Can you afford a second? And all the associated kit and childcare that comes with it?

VioletCharlotte · 27/10/2017 18:38

I don't think you're mad at all. There's lots of plus points to being a single Mum and sometimes I think it's actually easier (I've been a single Mum for years).

I've got 2 children, but did go through a stage 5 years ago of wanting by another and may have considered this route if I'd been really set on it and it had been financially possible.

GilligansKitchenIsland · 27/10/2017 18:39

I've looked after a few women as a midwife who have done this. It's definitely not unheard of. I also have a friend who adopted a baby as a single parent. The thing that seemed to make it feasible in those cases was having a really good support network of family / friends.
What do you think you would regret more 15 years down the line: bringing up 2 children by yourself or only having had 1 child?

Original poster

TomboyFemme · 27/10/2017 18:54

Yes I can afford a second.

What do you think you would regret more 15 years down the line: bringing up 2 children by yourself or only having had 1 child?
Well this is it, and even if it was very difficult, which having a baby always will be to some extent, then I would never regret it, would I?

It's sad that your friends were left wishing they had, NaturalBlond

OP posts:

TreacleFarl · 27/10/2017 19:30

I know what you mean when you say you 'ache' for another child OP. It's so palpable. Like you, I go back and forth and know it will be hard if I do decide to have another.

I really think I will. I'm in my early thirties now and don't want to leave it much longer. I'm currently at uni part-time in the hope that it'll increase my earnings so that I can financially support another child. I could do this at the minute but money would be very tight.

There are lots of things to think about that I keep going over but in the end I think I'll really regret it if I don't. The plan is to wait another year when I'll be in the final stretch of my course then make the first enquiries. My local fertility clinic has open days etc. Though I am irrationally worried about my child wanting to make contact with the sperm donor in future (I would understand and support them but feel apprehensive) maybe jumping ahead of myself here.

The comments on this thread are really helpful and I hope they are helping you too OP I hope you feel a little less alone with this.

TreacleFarl · 27/10/2017 19:31

Sorry that was a long post!

TreacleFarl · 27/10/2017 19:31

Sorry that was a long post!

Original poster

TomboyFemme · 27/10/2017 20:49

I do, Treacle, thank you, i thought I was the only nutter considering such a thing
Can I ask how old your ds is? I'm also early 30s so (hopefully) don't have to really rush due to my own age, but Dd's age is a big factor for me. She's 6 now and I think this is the perfect age, but it can't happen right away. I don't think I'd want her to be any older than 10 though.

OP posts:

Doingitalone · 28/10/2017 04:38

Go for it. And definitely right re age gap. Sooner rather than later. I’m the only parent of two babies under 3 andits mayhem but they have and will always have each other so that’s my happinesses. Plus, I feel like we are more of a Brady bunch family with the youngest now. Three rather than just two of us if you get me.
It’s tough going but worth it ❤️

Crumbs1 · 28/10/2017 04:56

I have a friend who has two children she made a conscious choice to raise alone. We all raised eyebrows, muttered about costs, muttered about workload etc but they’re now young teens and are delightful. The only time she was unhappy was when she decided they needed a father figure and moved a man in. That was disastrous.
In general, I think children are best raised by married (or long term committed couples at least) couples and that children are a gift not a commodity to assuage our own desires - but some families don’t have that and manage just fine.

TreacleFarl · 28/10/2017 10:09

I think 6 years is a good age gap Femme my DS is only coming three so will be about five when I'm considering the treatment. My main issue with the timing of it all is more to do with family support. I know that if I were pregnant in the next 2-3 years I'd have the support of my family who are close by. Not that I think I couldn't cope alone but it would be a big help emotionally. (there are plans for close family to move down the line).

I think six is a good age as your dd will be in school and it's a lovely age gap. It will hopefully make things a bit easier during the days, at least that's what I think when I'm considering it!

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