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Original poster

DD 2 1/2 crying cos doesnt want to go to daddys for weekend

17 replies

mistressmiggins · 12/04/2007 20:17

of course Im not going to cancel & she will be going but it breaks my heart

she has finally fallen asleep after over an hour of crying & saying "dont want to go to daddys"

ive told her her brother will look after her
ive told her she'll have fun
ive told her I'll phone

"want to speak to daddy on phone" she said

Im sure shes just tired but I so want to ring up ex & tell him this - he never has to deal with the fall out - he is fun time daddy who is fighting me with solictors over the house etc

rant over

OP posts:
NuttyMuffins · 12/04/2007 20:18

Oh that must be hard. Can she tell you why she doesn't want to go ??

pooka · 12/04/2007 20:24

God MM, that must be so hard for you. Heartbreaking

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 12/04/2007 20:30

not really

she is just adamant she doesnt want to go

just had to go up AGAIN as crying - "whats the matter" I asked

"dont want to go to daddys"

what do I do?
I have always said I wouldnt send DS by himself but he is nearly 5 and OK with the "holiday daddy" thing (his words)

exH wont believe me if I say DD doesnt want to go

they only stay once a month as exH lives 3 hrs away, but when DD comes home I ALWAYS have trouble with her sleeping for a few nights afterwards, so I always tell her the night b4...which is why had trouble tonight

OP posts:
dolally · 12/04/2007 20:52

poor you mm, can ds help/say why/or do you think it's just a clingy phase thing?

I suppose you can't discuss with exH?

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 12/04/2007 20:58

no point discussing with exH
will believe I have made her feel like this

to be honest exH not exactly hands-on daddy & anything for easy life so suspect DD gets dumped on his GF who has no kids & no experience

my poor girl
she will be ok though cos she & her brother are very close & my DS (5) is very sensitive & loving so will look after her

OP posts:
lisad123 · 12/04/2007 21:01

I wouldnt send her. If shes distressed at going, maybe theres a reason. I would tell ex how upset she is bout going. Maybe if she saw him more often it would help.
L

dolally · 12/04/2007 21:02

so sorry, it must be shattering for you to have to let her go. Will you promise them a treat for when they get back?

I think i read somewhere it can be a good idea to give a little one something or yours, a scarf or something to take with them, to look after and to bring back to you.

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 12/04/2007 21:03

he lives 3 hr drive away so comes every fortnight

I will send her cos if I dont exH will make a fuss & I think I will have trouble every time

still hurtys though for her

OP posts:
tortoise · 12/04/2007 21:05

Awww how . Its so hard when they don't want to go.
I hope by the time he picks her up she will be ok.

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 12/04/2007 21:07

I am going to paint her bedroom for when she returns
Tortoise - Im sure shes just tired

I do have trouble every time she stays away fo r a few days but shes ok
Im sure once shes had a good sleep she'll be ok

thanks guys

OP posts:
bozza · 12/04/2007 21:07

How awful for you and her mistressmiggins. I can see your reasons for sending her but really feel for you to be in that position through no fault of your own. Sad that you can trust a 5yo (he sounds lovely btw) more than her own father.

Do you think part of the problem is that she is not seeing enough of exH/spending enough time there? Although DD is happy to go to my ILs (she is just a bit older, nearly 3) and probably only sees them once a fortnight or so. But obviously is an individual thing.

goodnanny · 13/04/2007 17:56

i had this with my dd..she barely knew her dad (he didnt bother with her from the ages 2-4)and the courts decided she should go and stay with him in a hotel 100miles away!(i had NO say as he has PR) and she had no brother or sister for support either..
it was so horrible, she used to cry herself to sleep during the day and i would be so anxious worrying about her.
when she was with him in the hotel for first time she was too scared to go to the toilet , and he rang me up and said "what the fuk is the matter with her - she's fuking gone & crapped everywhere!!"

hope its not like this for you..

sunnysideup · 13/04/2007 18:34

mm, it must be so hard for you.

It's obviously very difficult for her, she's so young. It will get easier as she gets older and the routine is embedded. And you are doing a truly noble thing in supporting her contact with her dad and beign able to put aside the adult stuff re the house etc.

Is it an option to tell her on the morning she is going? At least then she doesn't have a whole day and night to get through and you don't have a night of this lobbying not to go. Obviously she needs some warning, but maybe not the night before?

It is a shame it's so seldom though - at her age it is bound to make it more difficult for her to get used to. And I really don't think you should read 'significant' stuff into her not wanting to go; it is very hard for children of her age to go away from mum..... difficult all round.

pirategirl · 13/04/2007 22:12

Just wanted to send you a hug.
Have been there so many times, and my friends have too.

You are stuck with a shit situation, which seems impossible to sort. I hated seeingmy dd so upset, but over time she has got more used to it, which is not fantastic, but at the end of the day he would only go to court and put us thru hell to get visits/stayovers.

Saying that tho,

I would seriously consider, if she is so very distressed, speaking to a solicitor. I have e nw one, who reckoned it was my decision to keep her home. My last solicitor was more of the, 'well, just try and make her go type attitude', which i didnt mind, cos at the end of the day i really wanted her to have a relationship with her dad.

Yet, looking back on a few occasions she really was too upset to go and I made her cos i thought i was doing the right thing, but now i know that sometimes she was just more upset to leave me, and was ok when she was there.

I'm all over the place with this subject, but she is now nearly 5 and doesnt have so many separation issues.

benbenandme · 13/04/2007 22:59

I have been advised by a mediator that if ds doesn't want to go to daddys house it would be reasonable for me to suggest that daddy has to come to where we live to see ds so ds is still in his local environment. He would need to stay at a b&b or whatever, but they said a court may see it that for the childs social development it would be better for them to stay in their own area, and if they have birthday parties/swimming lessons etc. arranged over the weekend then daddy is the responsible parent for that time and he would have to ensure they can go. Don't know if this may be an idea?? I guess your ex wouln't like it much (mine grunted at me when I suggested it), but the mediator said the court would likely see it as being in the childs interest and that is the most important thing.

Sending you big hugs xx

wirral · 16/04/2007 12:51

How did the weekend go Mistress Miggins? I admire your resolve to send her anyway. As you may remember I am also struggling with my 7 year old daughter who doesnot want to go and stay overnight at her Dad's.

I'd love to know how best to approach this. At the moment the ex and I are seeing a Mediator in an attempt to resolve things. Am not sure how the mediation is going as the Mediator believes that there are positives for children of divorced parents..... such as 2 Christmases! I've tried mentioning this to daughter when she is crying herself to sleep as she wants a 'normal' family

She went to spend Mon to Sat with my ex over Easter I think that she enjoyed herself but she was very clingy when she came back She didn't even want to go to a friend's party as she wanted to stay with me Never mind at least she gets 2 Christmases!

hayes · 22/04/2007 13:52

Sorry to hear this. I have been in this situation but in reverse, my dp's dd crying cos she didn't want to come. In our experience she kicked up a stink to her mum but once she was in the car and away she was fine. I think little ones tend to feel disloyal to the parent they are leaving (incidently she would do the same when it was time for her to go home). I know she is only little but how about telling her that you have plans, we found out that most of the time my dp dd thought her mum was sitting pining for her which def was not the case....she was enjoying a well earned rest!

As she gets older it may get easier for you, we had this prob with dp dd when she was around 5 the little one (2) then, didn't bat an eyelid!

Good luck with it

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