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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Any tips on trying to find an absent parent?

30 replies

mogs0 · 11/04/2007 22:44

Well, title says it all really!!

My ds' dad legged it when I told him I was pregnant and I haven't seen him since.

I have lived in the same area since ds was born and have never seen him (he supposedly was moving away).

I am thinking about moving to be nearer my family (150 miles away) but am a bit concerned that if we go then the chances of my ds ever seeing his dad will be zero.

I have made a mental list of pros and cons about moving and the biggest con is regarding ds' dad.

I thought that if I made an attempt to track down ds' dad then I'd feel better about going.

Any advice?

OP posts:
moondog · 11/04/2007 22:45

I wouldn't bother.
In my opinion he has relinquished any rights he had by pissing off as he did.
Arse.

Wotzsaname · 11/04/2007 22:50

Sorry no tips here, if people don't want to be found its hard and time wasting to try to find them and you may miss out on so much more of what is good, like your family you want to be near.

colditz · 11/04/2007 22:50

I am with the lunar canine on this one.

kiminutter · 11/04/2007 22:55

Well, I tracked down my husband after 8 years last week, I gatecrashed his 'engagement' do - he has now been dumped (in spectacular style) as he didn't tell the poor girl he's still married to me!
8 long years. Well worth the wait. I was wondering what would happen regarding contact with the kids, now 8 and 9, but he doesn't care. I won't be bothering him again, if he couldn't be bothered to keep in touch with his own children then he's not worth it IMHO.

Wotzsaname · 11/04/2007 22:58

wow kimi, would loved to have seen that 'do' on youtube!
8 years, what a complete @@@@* git

Original poster
mogs0 · 11/04/2007 23:01

OMG kiminutter! Even though he doesn't want contact, does it make you feel better knowing that you tried?

I think I'm a bit dilusional (sp) in my thought process. I feel that if he met my ds he'd see what a wonderful child he is and want to be part of his life. Also, that my ds has the right to know his dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
mogs0 · 11/04/2007 23:02

Did it take 8 years to track him down?

OP posts:
kiminutter · 11/04/2007 23:07

Yup! He saw my daughter the next day and didn't even say hello to her. It broke my heart cos now she has realised for herself what a waste of space her dad is. Now he's being awkward about signing the divorce papers.
mogs0, I understand you are worried about your DS and what will happen in the future. My kids are at the age where they start asking questions - it is hard. I started a thread recently in this topic about weighing up the pros and cons of meeting their dad to find out if he was bothered about contact, I think it's titled 'should I go and meet my ex this weekend'.... there is some good advice on there.
Yes, it took 8 years to find him. I traced him as I found my SIL (on MN!) and she helped me. He obviously didn't want to be found!

jules99 · 11/04/2007 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kiminutter · 11/04/2007 23:09

my other thread

Wotzsaname · 11/04/2007 23:16

kimi, just read through and its nice to see some good came out of the meeting.

kiminutter · 11/04/2007 23:21

Thanks, my kids at least have their brother - no substitute for their dad though
mogs0 - if you're sure you want to contact him then I have become a bit of a pro! I have also traced my dad, I hadn't seen him in 24 years. I have an active 'Tracesmart' subscription (you have to pay but I'm willing to do a search for you!), or try friends and genes reunited, or you could try looking on myspace and other popular sites for a profile. Hope that's a good start for you.

Wotzsaname · 11/04/2007 23:27

I used genes reunited and found long lost extended family.
Last time I saw them was over 30 years ago when I was a nipper!

kiminutter · 11/04/2007 23:30

Genes reunited is fab, isn't it?! Ive found relatives in Australia and Canada!

nappyaddict · 11/04/2007 23:38

why when i searched myself on that 192 thing did i only get a historical result and not a 2007 one.

stitch · 11/04/2007 23:39

when he left you ppregnant, he relinquished all right to impact your life. find him by all means, but dont believe tht he will be a positive influence on either yourself, or your son.
does he have any family? grandparents re more likely to be positive for your chikd

Original poster
mogs0 · 11/04/2007 23:41

Thanks kimi. I've just read your other thread and I think if I were in your position I'd have done exactly the same.

My ds's dad is quite a bit older than me and has older children who I never met and I am a bit nervous about opening a huge can of worms that could backfire on me and ds.

How does tracesmart work? I think I really just want to know if he's still in the area or whether he did go where he said he was going to?

Oh God, I don't know what I want now.

OP posts:
kiminutter · 11/04/2007 23:45

Tracesmart is really good, can search by name and area, or can tell you who lives at a specific address.... Would you like me to CAT you? I could do a search for you.

Original poster
mogs0 · 11/04/2007 23:55

Yes please! I'm still a bit of a technophobe and genesreunited has overwhelmed me a bit!!

OP posts:
kiminutter · 12/04/2007 00:02

OK, have CATed you. It's an awful feeling, not knowing - I hope you get some 'closure' from all of this!
Just realised it might take a while for MNHQ to pass on the message, you can email me at [email protected] too, messages from there are passed straight on to my hotmail account.

Original poster
mogs0 · 12/04/2007 00:08

I've emailed you!

OP posts:
Lmccrean · 12/04/2007 00:16

I havent read other thread, but what about CSA? They tracked down dds father (he also left when I told hm I was preggers, but did send emails with false promises of money, and I prob could have found him other ways) I must say however, despite me warning them, they did manage to send the letter to his father (same first name!) but luckily his dad (and mum!) saw the funny side...

kiminutter · 12/04/2007 00:18

Oh, don't get me started on the CSA! I also started a thread about that too. I am owed over 20k..... they are beyond useless!

Original poster
mogs0 · 12/04/2007 00:21

I gave csa his details 4 1/2 years ago and they contacted me 18 months later to say they couldn't find him!

OP posts:
Original poster
mogs0 · 12/04/2007 00:29

Going to bed now, will be back tomorrow!!!

OP posts:
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