Ex wants to introduce girlfriend to kids - opinions needed!

[redapple]

Split with dh sept last year, we have a 5 and 8 year old boys. He left for a woman at work and to be honest I wasn't too sad to see him go! (long story)
We are now getting along quite well, all is amicable, he sees the boys several times a week and has them to sleep over every Friday(he is living at his dads)
He has just asked me if he can now introduce the girlfriend to boys and have days out with her etc.
In many ways I have no problem with this, I have little feelings towards my ex so would not find it upsetting. My boys seem to have coped reasonably well with the split so I think they may well be ready...
BUT the gf is not a very stable woman. She is a manic depressive and has fluctuating eating disorders. The couple of times I have met her she behaves rather like a giggly 17 year old.
My oldest son is on the autistic spectrum, very able and coping but kind of needs things to be kept on an even keel or he gets all panicky and anxious.
My boys have developed a much closer relationship with ex since he left and its been lovely to see them all getting on so well. I've just got a bad feeling that the gf may just throw eveything a bit sideways!
Heart is saying keep this unstable woman away from my kids! Rational head is saying she doesn't need to be sensible mother figure and she may add a bit of colour to their lives - they may find her wonderful fun!
I think I am mostly worried about eldest son but I can't wrap him up in cotton wool.
Also, do we announce that this is the new girlfriend to the boys or be a bit vague and say it's Daddy's 'friend'?

evening redapple.

not been on mn very long, nothing on tv so having a nose!!
you sound like you have the whole situation thought out and you are seeing both negs and pos which is sometimes hard to do.
i couldnt say whether to let them meet her or not as only you know your ex and his gf my advice is go with your instinct and if you do let them meet her maybe have a few ground rules to break your ds1 in gently ie. their initial meet maybe just meeting for lunch so its not full on and both boys still have most of the time with just their dad and take it gradually iyswim!!! as for what to call her i would stick to the facts if she is dads gf and they are going to be holding hands around the boys they should be told she's dads gf.
maybe you and ex can have a chat on how to handle situ???
good luck chicken!!!

How are your DCs used to labelling relationships with adults outside of the obvious (Mummy, Grandad, my brother, my sister)? For instance, some people refer to every close adult friend of parents, whehter or not there's a genetic relationship as "Auntie" or "Uncle", other's don't. If you and your XP are in the Auntie Everyone camp then his new GF can be Auntie Whoever, otherwise just introduce her by her name.

If she's actually living with XP - or about to move in - then it may be a bit more complicated and DCs may need more reassurance that she's not their "new mummy" - that they have a mummy and a daddy and though mummy and daddy don't live together, they are still the DCs mummy and daddy.

WIth respect to her being a bit of a fruit loop, if you're on amicable terms with XP then it's maybe a matter of just keeping an eye on what goes on and, if she does start exhibiting behaviour that upsets DCs, having a friendly word with XP about this and reducing the contact the DCs have with her but not with him if need be.

Good luck

my children know that their father has girlfriends, they are used to it.

I wouldnt worry about her influence - it is so much smaller than yours as to be almost negligible. If you see evidence that she harms your son, thats different of course.

I don't agree that the gf influence is almost neglible, IF this relationship is serious the gf will spend more time with the children. All adults have influence in childrens lives whether you want them to or not.

With regard to the gf being giggly etc, do you think she was just embarassed and didn't know how to react?

Good luck with it I'm sure it will work out fine

I have banned the male from allowing his slut to have anything to do with our daughter. Bizarrely, he has agreed and has said they will never meet until such time as I agree. I've told him to keep an eye on the weather news coming out of hell.

Do what you fee is right for your kids. If you have issues regarding her behaviour, just tell your ex that you're not happy for her to be alone with the kids and take it from there.