Yet again i ask...can i stop contact?

[nightowl]

i've had a few threads on this before so i cant be too bothered to go into too much detail. but for those who dont know (most probably!)...

ds's dad and i have been split up for 8 years. (ds 9 1/2). in this time he's been an idiot..has seen ds every week when he is single and hardly bothers when he has a gf/wife, whatever. the latest is that he's ill with a mental condition. fine but i just dont believe him anymore.

last year i posted saying more or less the same and that i wanted to stop contact as he is really upsetting ds with this on/off thing. i was advised not to try and stop him.

however, ds seems down all the time. if he wasn't so young i would say he seems depressed, because that's the kind of behaviour he's showing. we had a talk the other night and he told me how much he missed his dad. i cant do anything about this and i have a son who walks around like a zombie. today, ds has not seen or heard from his dad in a month. no easter eggs, no phonecall even, despite my trying to get through to him that this isnt on, for the last few months (strangely it started again when he first met his new gf). i have rung him today and he wouldn't answer. i have texted him, no answer.

dont tell me that he's better off with contact, because i was told that a year ago and nothing has changed. his father has had 8 years of chances.

that's it now. i dont want his dad to see him again. he's messing with the poor childs head and im having to pick up the pieces, which i cant. its only making him more mixed up.

what can i do?

Does your son have another male in his life that he could spend some time with - I'm not saying replace his dad but perhaps if he found a bloke who was reliable he would know that it's not your son's fault that his dad is a flake?

Sorry I know nothing about the law on this so I can't help you on that side, but I know how hard it can be with a flake in your past who you still have to be involved with.

Ok i had this with my ex,we have been split almost 5 years now and for the first 2 years he was fine,seen the kids almost every day etc then he moved away and met a g/f thats when it all went to pot,he agreed to visit the kids for a long weekend every 6 weeks,bearing in mind he had previously seen them every day !!
This never transpired and for a year he jumped between 6 weeks,8 weeks,9 weeks to the longest of 3 mnths between visits.In this time i contacted a lawyer and she sent himvarious letters to concrete the contact visits to every 6 weeks as originally agreed,he ignored all contact from the lawyer and she eventually advised me to stop all contact at all. This would eithe rput an end to it all or he would be forced to seek advice adn court action but then he would have had to stick to what was agreed by the court,of course he never did and he had no contact with the kids for a year.
In that year my kids become so much more settled, happy and much stronger and to behonest didnt seem affected by the disappearance of their loser of a father.
He came back into their lives about a year ago now and has learned his lesson,he has contact every sunday via a webcam and visits every 8 weeks for the long weekend,not a lot but he has stayed stable with it which it the thing i was trying to acheive.

We have 3 kids who are now 11,9 and 4,the 11 and 4 year old are autistic so stability is paramount for them.They 3 of them were a mess while all the stability was gone,just how you describe your ds.It was a very very hard decision to take but i took it and it paid off to be the best thing.The year out gave my kids time to grow and mature and become settled and strong within themselves.
Sorry this went on hope it helps you make a decision xx

Nightowl, have you been keeping a diary of contact, detailing when he was supposed to see ds, when he actually turned up, when he didn't, what excuse he gave - if any?

If you have that sort of evidence, then I'd be tempted to write to him, listing how contact has (not) progressed over the last year and setting out how you expect it to progress in future. Sometimes seeing it written down can bring home just how inconsistent he has been.

If he doesn't respond to that, then stop the contact. He will then be forced to go to court but you will still have the evidence of how unreliable he has been and the effect that it is having on your ds.

HIya,
hugs to you, I have posted similar.

Its like your stuck inthe middle

a, you want the child to have a normal relationship with thier dad, but for that the dp/dh has to be regularly in their lives,

b, you just wnat it to stop, because its so unsettling.

Ihave had 2 yrs of my dd4 saying she hates him, she doesnt want to speak to him. The just last week she said she misses him.

these poor kids, Iknew she loved him and missed him all along, she is just angry and unsettled.

My dd hates the partner too.

I have spoken to my solicitor , to sya what can i do, mixed responses. You dont want ot be the one who calls a halt to the visits, but want to protect your child.

I think if it gets to the point, like it seems to with you, telling him no more is viable, then see what happens.

He might get a court order, and I have always been afrai how I would look if it came to be that the courts knew that i had said no. yet inthe grand scheme of things, i dont think this will make you out to be a bad parent, just a concerned one.

They see enough of dangerous and bad parenting.

I am rambling here, but I think, and it applies to me that if you get to the end of your rope, then say, no, and see what happens. If he is serious he will get his act together.

these are the hardest situations to deal with like pirate girl said you dont want to be seen as the one to stop it and start the hassle if it goes to court but your biggest priority is the welfare of your children.

my ex messed my son around for 5 years, letting him down on visits, never paying maintenance, promising x boxes and not making good, turning up to collect him steaming drunk and so when i met my now husband and he had ds1 for the weekend at my place (as he was sharing flat with 3 other blokes) and he slept with his gf in my bed and smoked throughout the house i told him to go whistle.

he has not seen ds1 since and that was 2 1/2 years ago, and we have moved since. ds was upset first and mentioned him often but now he has dh in his life who makes good on his promises and has never let him down once and who he calls dad he is so much happier and settled and we have changed his name (had my maiden name anyway) and we have just given dh pr for him.

i have been slated for making the choice of not letting ds1 see his father but i honestly think he is better off without him and that is our jobs to do what is best for our children.

good luck with your situ nightowl i am sure you will follow your instincts and do what is best for your dc!!

well just a quick update. about a week after i posted this i got a rambling text from him as if i had just sent one, it was like a reply. (last one was easter sunday). saying something about a move, been busy, been away etc, will see him when i come back.

no you wont says my text, you've messed him about enough. you want contact, go through a solicitor and we'll do it properly.

the strangest thing was he never replied and i havent heard from him since. he didn't even give me the puffed up chest masculine bullshit about he IS MY SON and I WILL see him when i want. odd. i'm relieved but hurt at the same time he didn't even bother to argue about it, or at least reply. strange feeling. no great loss however, and ds seems happier at the moment.