Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

Contact issues with father of a 4 month old baby

25 replies

choccybickie · 08/04/2007 18:12

Hi everyone.I've posted about this on another thread but was hoping some more of you would offer advice if I started another. I had my son in December and he's 4 months old. His father and I were never a couple but I tried my hardest to keep things amicable for DS sake. However, when he was 5 weeks old his father decided to come and pick him up with a car full of his friends (they are all 19 years) and I said no. Since then I have been bombarded with threats that he is going to get him off me so I had to get a solicitor. She proposed that he have contact once a week for 3 hours, as DS is so young, his solicitor however proposed every wednesday OVERNIGHT and for 10 hours every sunday. This week I've been told if I dont give him that much contact, I am being taken to court. Its so upsetting and has ruined DS first months for me. I'm on tablets for all the stress because I believe its best for my son to be in his own home, where he feels safe and the surroundings are familiar, in the comfort of his routine with his mummy at 4 months old. I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be great x

OP posts:

zookeeper · 08/04/2007 18:18

Get a new solicitor if that is the advice you have been given - he's too young for a ten hour stint without his mum ime. Overnight is pushing it too.

zookeeper · 08/04/2007 18:20

sorry misunderstood - stick to your guns and let him take you to court if he insists - doubt very much a court would give him overnight staying contact and 10 hour stays given he's so young. tnd often is best. It's common sense.

LittleSarah · 08/04/2007 18:21

I don't have any experience here but I can't imagine a court would award that amount of contact at such a young age. My ex-p and I always did things informally but until dd was about 4 months he never had her without me, and then not for long. I am struggling to remember the exact details but didn't have her overnight until she was over a year and a lot of the time in that first year was spent the three of us together. I.e after 6 months he would have her Sunday afternoons and come over on Thursday evenings to see her...

As I said, I don't know how the courts would deal with this but I really can't imagine overnight visits so young?

Original poster

choccybickie · 08/04/2007 18:21

Sorry Im new to this whats tnd?

OP posts:

LittleSarah · 08/04/2007 18:22

Also, don't let yourself be intimidated, you are the mother and the main carer. He cannot dictate to you.

zookeeper · 08/04/2007 18:22

meant to say little and often - my ds is hitting the keys!

CorrieDale · 08/04/2007 18:24

Sounds as though he doesn't have a hope! 19 and overnight stays???? Does he have any experience with babies? Good experience, I mean - the feeding, changing, complete responsibility kind. I can understand why you're upset - but remember that just because he issues a court application, it doesn't mean that he is going to be able to convince the judge. The applicant is not always - or even nearly always - the 'winner' in child cases.

LittleSarah · 08/04/2007 18:25

Just looked at the other thread and notice his other visits were at home with his family. This does not sound too bad to me, but I would still be against overnight visits so young.

Do you think you will be able to be amicable at some stage?

Original poster

choccybickie · 08/04/2007 18:27

That was the main problem really, I've been bombarded with threatening texts saying I cant stop him doing what he wants and when because its his right as he's his son. Perhaps it was naive of me to forgive what a total b he was when I was pregnant and name him on the birth certificate. But at the end of the day it was for my son's sake and they're the type of family who would have taken me to court to order dna tests to gain parental responsibility anyway

OP posts:

Original poster

choccybickie · 08/04/2007 18:32

Thanks littlesarah Ive tried my hardest to keep this amicable, to begin with I was taking him and staying at their house with them - I even left my family on christmas day so he could see him. He comes to the house and grunts in my face when i hand him over. Also I've just discovered that they change his clothes for the 3 hours and change him back to come home. Does anyone else think this sounds like he's a trophy to them, treating him like a doll they can show off

OP posts:

LittleSarah · 08/04/2007 18:32

Hmmm, sounds like he's been a twat, but then he is young and perhaps being led, I don't know, you know the kind of chat, oh it's your son too, she can't keep you from him, etc etc.

Threatening you with texts is never going to look good in court, I really don't think you have too much to worry about.

I would just try and stay strong, hold firm and hope for the best. Hopefully when all the hoo-ha dies down you might be able to form a better relationship...

Must be such a PITA though, poor you!

LittleSarah · 08/04/2007 18:35

'Also I've just discovered that they change his clothes for the 3 hours and change him back to come home.'

That does sound a little odd. Perhaps they have just bought him clothes and want to see him in them... but then why wouldn't they just give you the clothes so he could wear them all the time?!?

Custody battles are always worrying, but you are in the strong position, maybe he's just worried without more contact he might lose ds altogether, who knows? But while you might both be his parents you aren't equal. Even with more contact you'd still be primary carer and so should be respected. IMO!!

LittleSarah · 08/04/2007 18:37

On a lighter note, many men can be all mouth and no trousers...

Original poster

choccybickie · 08/04/2007 18:39

Most people seem to think I've got nothing to worry about so thats very reassuring. On the contact side of things I stated through my solicitor that he is welcome to visit ds here any time he like but he never has. I also offered his mother this option and she said 'its not the same'. . . .!

OP posts:

Original poster

choccybickie · 08/04/2007 18:41

its like no matter what I do its not good enough, i could scream

OP posts:

zookeeper · 08/04/2007 18:44

if they wanted to see him that badly they would come choccy

LittleSarah · 08/04/2007 18:53

Exactly, you seem to have tried to be welcoming to both him and his family and they have just wanted it all their own way. That would make me mad, I am GRRRRR on your behalf.

Original poster

choccybickie · 08/04/2007 18:57

Especially when it was so different until he didn't get his own way with the car! I spent at least 2 nights a week with him at their house but i cant imagine it will ever go back to that now. He would have seen him all the time if he wasnt such a spoiled child himself

OP posts:

tribpot · 08/04/2007 19:14

Is your solicitor/the police aware of the threatening texts?

Has your ex ever been a primary caregiver to ds? It doesn't sound like it, I assume you've never lived with him.

Original poster

choccybickie · 08/04/2007 19:18

No we were never a couple, just friends. He's only 19 which doesn't make him a bad father, but you'd wonder why he'd want a baby overnight, I asked him to do a night time feed for me, whilst we were still amicable and I took ds to stay and his answer was 'no thats your job'. Very responsible eh?

My solicitor has a log of all the texts

OP posts:

tribpot · 08/04/2007 19:38

Absolutely, there's no reason why a 19 year old of either sex can't be responsible for the sole care of a child, but there seems ample reason why this one can't be! I assume the care would actually be with his mum, sounds like she's the one flexing her muscles behind the scenes.

It's actually as ds grows that he'll need to be feeling safe and in familiar surroundings, at this stage he's probably only just getting that awareness and it may be more your need to know that he is safe than his, if you know what I mean. (Having said that, I would never have left my ds at 4 months with anyone other than his daddy, who is a SAHD and been hands-on since day one). And I would have had words with my MIL if she'd said it "wasn't the same" coming to my house to see him - that was her only option!

Definitely better to stick to your guns now so that when ds is more aware you have a routine in place which is suited to his needs.

bonkerz · 08/04/2007 19:46

i was in a similar position to you 6 years ago. I split with Ex when DS was 10 weeks old and we ended up getting a solicitor for access. Right up until DS was 18 months old i refused overnight stays on the basis DS was too young. Was completely flexible about ex coming and spending time with DS in my house. He didnt want this and kept pushing. In the end the solictor made arrangements for us to go to mediation. Maybe this is a step you could take? It actually worked in my favour because mediator agreed about DS being too young for overnight stays and EX withdrew all contact, havent seen him for 5 years!!!
Im sure you will have to go to mediation beofe he takes you to court anyway and if you ask your solicitor to arrange this it looks good on your part IYSWIM.

Rosasmum · 08/04/2007 23:04

Hi choccybickie

I don't think a court will grant him more than a few hours access to your Son and that may be supervised. 4 months is too young for a child to be away from their mother for more that a few hours. If you are breastfeeding, do not let him force you to express more than you are happy to just so that he can have his son on his own and do not let him give your Son formula if this is not what you want.

Keep a record of all the texts, visits and conversatons, if he takes you to court you can use them to show what things have been like. You are absolutely right to say no to him wanting to take your Son away whilst with other 19 year old. His time with your Son should be just him, and his family, not his mates.

My daughter is 9months old and I will not let her father have her on her own becuase she doesn't know who he is. I have no intention of letting him have her overnight until she is very comfortable in his company and he knows her well enough. I expect he will try to take me to court over this but I have faith that no court will grant an overnight stay for a child under 18months. If he does take you to court, most courts will order you to go through mediation first as they prefer these situations to be dealt with between the parents with some guidance rather than any court order straight away. Stand up for what you believe in because you alone know what is right for your Son. Trust in yourself and your instints.

Keep yopur cool with him, don't let him make you visibly angry, rude or retaliate him with any punishment. Then you will always have the better hand and you will feel so proud of yourself when he realises that you are in control.

The suggeston his Solicitor made is ridiculous, your Solicitor's is more appropriate. Do not let him bully you, I completley understand how he is ruining your time with your Son, my ex did that too and I don't know If I can ever forgive him for that. Try to find some peace when you can, push him out of your mind. I have to audibly say "no" when I start to stress about it. i hope you have strong support from your family and friends. Let them know what it going on, what he is trying to do as there really is strength is problems shared.

George x

Original poster

choccybickie · 09/04/2007 08:00

Thanks Rosasmum. He suggested going for mediation through his solicitor, the thing is though, my doctor wouldn't allow it to go ahead because I was quite ill after labour and have had high blood pressure since which I'm on tablets to control, he and I felt that being in this situation would make it worse. Also I have tried to discuss things and come to a sensible arrangement previous to any solicitors involvement but 2 weeks after, he decided it wasnt enough. I actually think that this will go on forever if it doesnt go to court now. It really makes me feel sick to think that things have come to this, even throughout my pregnancy he treated me very badly but I tried to maintain a friendship for my son's sake, which has been entirely thrown in my face

OP posts:

madamez · 10/04/2007 11:35

You're doing the right thing to keep records of all threats and harassment. Whatever he claims, a court is very unlikely indeed to allow overnight access to a baby this young against the mother's wishes and, if you have evidence of irresponsible behaviour on father's part (hmm, let's see, like turning up with a car full of noisy lads to take the kid away, threatening the mother, etc) you can push for him only having supervised access.
Certainly it's likely to be down to him to prove that he's got some idea of how to look after a small baby overnight - or that there will be a 'responsible' person present.
Good luck.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread