Need to rant - Single parent doing everything - Why is it just assumed I'll pick up the slack?!

[midlifenicethis]

I'm divorced, separated around 3 years ago. Initially things were fine, me and my 2 kids pretty soon got into a new rhythm and I was full of relief to be free of the relationship that I had the energy to do it all.

Fast forward 3 years and frankly I feel exhausted and ground down and pissed off that it's just assumed I'll do everything. I have 2 kids and their father has never wanted anything more than eow. I have suggested he would maybe like to have them more often but no he doesn't appear interested and indeed has now moved about an hour away so that wouldn't be possible as he wouldn't be able to collect and get them to school etc. So he has them from Friday till Sunday but no school drop off etc.

The final straw is that he hasn't worked for the last 18 months. His logic before was that as he was earning a good salary he paid decent maintenance and therefore I think he felt that this covered his side of parenting. However he now pays the bare minimum which leaves me struggling financially.

I am just about coping but have nothing left for treats or extras and it's me that has to deal with the days to day joys of saying 'no we can't afford to' to things the kids ask for. He is looking for a job but refuses to just take anything for now. God alone knows what he's living on, but at this point this just isn't a top concern for me.

I work FT and i have to maintain a 3 bed house in an expensive part of town for schools etc. I pay childcare to enable me to work. I do everything re school and the kids needs - healthcare, clothing, clubs, friends etc etc. I just feel like I take all the hit and he just gets to swan about and just assumes that I'll take up all the slack.

I know there's no real answer, it all just seems to be bloody unfair

I feel the same at times with my ex. But on the flip side I couldn't do what he does and settle for the bare minimum. Try and focus on your children and the positives you get from raising them single handedly. I know I can sleep at night with a clear conscience (not sure I spelt it right) and knowing I get to tuck my children into bed at night. They know I'm there for them and the stability of that is so important in raising children.

My ex is currently away with work for 6 weeks and my children haven't heard from him and I doubt they will. Crazy as he was on my doorstep crying whilst saying goodbye to them the other week!

A rant is always needed I understand!

When they are adults what respect /relationship do you think they will have for him???.
Big fat naff all.
You will reap the benefits forever more of the dedication you have made to your dc. They will continue to seek you out for love and support in their adult world. .
Whilst giving df a bloody wide berth I would imagine.

Sympathy Midlifenicethis. Similar boat only 15 years down the line. My kids (mid teens) think their dad is a waste of space and are great for me. If there is any karma in this world, that has to be it.

I'vebeen though this & come out the other side. My oldest DCs are adults now. They have no contact with their F now (DCs choice).

It's bloody hard work being alone parent, I take my hat off to you. But your DCs know you will be there for them.

Always good to have a rant though!

Thank you all. I know you are all right and I wouldn't want to miss out on my time with them and helping them to grow and develop.

It's just so frustrating sometimes. Most of my friends are married so I find myself feeling sorry for myself when the Dads are at school for pick ups and school events etc. I have known 2 divorced Dads since separation (ex BF and current BF) and one had 50/50 shared care with his ex and the other around 70/30, but in both cases they were there doing extras and helping their ex and kids out when they could.

I also really resent the financial side of things. When we were married I scaled back my career to enable me to be the main home maker and child rearer. Now I earn less and work FT and he just decides he's too good to get 'any old job' and we struggle for money. Imagine having that luxury??

I never would, but I sometimes imagine turning up at his saying, he can have them most of the time. I'll have them weekends and holidays. I'll ditch the expensive house, buy a nice 2 bed flat, not have any of the stress of juggling work and home life etc, so get a better job and just pay him a few hundred quid a month and expect him to do everything. Can you imagine how that would work?!

I don't actually want this and would never give them up, but it's an extreme example of how unfair this situ is.

I've felt the same on numerous ocassions. My ex left when I was pregnant and there were obviously very difficult days where I felt like turning up at his work and handing them to him and saying you can have them and I'll go back to working full time on a decent salary and live the single life. Clearly I never did but oh how if it was the other way around. That's the thing very few mothers up and leave.

You sound like you are doing well just needing a rant. Which is definitely needed after all there is only so much 1 person can do/take x

Thanks WhoKnows and everyone else. It's so nice to have some support from those who get how this feels. Friends and family make the right noises and try to sympathise but I can tell they don't really get how hard it can be.

Tbh, I think I was ok until he lost his job and the maintenance dried up. It just seems like the final kick in the teeth. I guess I just have to hope that he gets a job again soon and things start to feel a little more equal and in the meantime, try to be more grateful that I share my life with them

You are doing an amazing job. It is really tough, there is no getting away from that but one day your children will be very glad that you were there for them physically & financially. My two were fairly oblivious when they were little but now they see the situation for what it is and they are more often than not really helpful. They know that being a mum with no support from their dad is a hard job & 99% of the time they don't make my life any harder.
Hang in there & know you are not alone.

Oh gosh if my ex didn't work and didn't pay any maintenance I'd be mad! Just the cheek of it would annoy me, like you say he's expecting you to do everything even support them 100% financially.

Our eldest was struggling slightly at school so I'd organised a tutor once a week for him. I knew my ex's response when I asked if he'd be willing to go halves. He said he didn't sees problem, despite his teacher telling us and felt what he did with him when he saw him was adequate. What a joke! I think in the 2 years at school he's read with him maximum 5 times and hasn't even entertained any homework! Yet when we get told he's improving he'll sit there at parents evening and spin a load of rubbish off at how he's brought him on! Bonkers!! The man is delusional.

He'll never change and in the last 2.5 years I've learnt to not get as irate about him as I used to! My children will soon get the picture if they aren't already x

I'm in a similar situation as you with an ex as useful as a chocolate teapot!😝 However I've learnt to deal with things by expecting nothing from him (so any money or contact is a bonus) and focus on the kids and you. Exercise helps me loads if you can fit it in - when I prioritise me I feel a million times better about things.
It does seem so unfair that you cannot force contact, but I believe one day the kids will realise!

I know exactly how you feel having to count every penny wondering if you can afford school stuff food bills etc etc. While ex didn't even want to pay bare minimum. I spent a lot of time being extremely frustrated.
Ive had to take on all the practical part of parenting as well as the worry the upsets. One DC has special needs which ex refused to acknowledge so I'd to shoulder that responsibility too.
When ex eventually started paying CM he was under the impression this money was to be saved and given directly to DC when they grow up. Hilarious tbh because my income is clearly for all that boring parenting stuff! He gave 'permission' for maintenance to be used for one DCs tutoring.
Ex moved away so he didn't have to do school runs or childcare or therapy appointments. Stuff like that would interfere in his social life according to him and he wanted his time with new partner to be private.
I could rant all day but the silver lining is I get to make decisions for my kids without needing his input.