Is telling the truth emotional abuse?

[MavisDavis99]

Long back story, but will try and keep it simple.

DD, age 14, with eating disorder and Asperger's, moved in with her dad (divorce was 9 years ago) a year and a half ago.

Her condition deteriorated and she was hospitalised last year for 5 months. Has deteriorated again since coming out.

In the summer she spent a week with me, put on weight and said she wanted to move back.

Dad obviously not happy about this but knows he can't refuse as court would listen to her wishes.

As she's dangerously underweight now her care providers asked if I would give consent for her to be rehospitalised if needed. Of course I said yes.

As she was supposed to be moving back with me next week I told the hospital unit that I couldn't make the appointment and didn't know if it would be needed due to her moving (we live opposite sides of the country).

They cancelled the assessment appointment and sent out letters confirming this.

Ex has shown the letter to DD and told her I'm trying to get her put back in hospital and lying to her. Now she's confused, doesn't trust me and doesn't want to move back. 100% sure that's why he showed her the letter. She doesn't even want to speak to me now. I feel this is emotional abuse on his part.

Thing is, he has been trying to get her hospitalised for months I have emails and texts which show this.

Part of me wants to tell her he has also been trying to get her hospitalised, as she doesn't have the full picture of the situation and I am being left to carry responsibility and blame (from her) for agreeing to have the treatment she needs put in place and he is using this to try and destroy my relationship with her and stop her moving back. This is wrong.

But, if I tell her the truth then does that mean I am open to allegations of emotional abuse too? I don't want to upset her, but I feel she should know he has also tried to get her hospitalised and she can't avoid it by staying with him. She's ill and needs treatment.

Trying to do the right thing, but staying silent about his part is ruining my relationship with her.

Any advice? Should I tell her the truth, or stay silent for her sake?

So stressed and confused myself now!

Well doesn't sound like either of you have actually spoken to her about what you're both doing for her welfare. I'd be confused too.

You definitely should have already discussed what you were doing in the first place and as a result have lost her trust.
Showing her the texts and "truth" isn't going to help now, it's not going to bring back the trust in you.

I think a talk is needed with her, to explain everything fully.

I have explained to her.
She doesn't want to listen because he has told her I am lying to her!
When the appointment was made, camhs said not to tell her initially, as they hoped her weight would increase and/or she would move in with me and the appointment would therefore be cancelled. They didn't want her to know because they knew she would be distressed, so weren't going to inform her until they knew it would definitely go ahead. So it put me in a very difficult position. She has been told for months that if she doesn't eat more she will end up in hospital.

He refuses to speak to camhs so they had to ask my permission for the referral.

He will not be honest with her because he knows she'll be angry with him.

I can't change his behaviour or make him be honest with her, so it's left to me to be honest and carry the can, while he lies to her about me and deliberately engineers the situation to his advantage.

If you were told by a medical professional not to tell your child about a potential appointment until they were sure it was needed, what would you do?

do what the professional said of course, most people would. it would require quite a lot to do different.

talk to cahms about it. tell them what she has told you and ask them to speak to her?

Thanks. I have a call booked with camhs tomorrow.

Problem is, he has put in writing to them that they must not contact him in any way or even attend any meetings he is at, so they are unable to speak to her.

I hope social services will speak to her, but of course she won't open up to a stranger that she doesn't trust. Unfortunately she is even angrier at me for calling them, and the social worker who told me that a case would be opened seemed to consider it a tit for tat situation, which it absolutely isn't!

I spoke to Family Lives today to get some advice and have decided not to tell her about her dad, as it will upset and confuse her even more, he will tell her I'm lying and the situation will get worse. Not sure how much worse it can get as she says today she doesn't even want to visit me after what he's told her, so now I have no contact with her at all other than via the odd Instagram message.

Just awful. Looks like I will have to go to court if I ever want to see her again, all because he's manipulating her!