Pregnant and the father

[starsshinebright]

I'm 12 weeks pregnant. I have so far refused all contact with the father and this will continue throughout the pregnancy.

Long term though, I have no issue with my child having contact with him.

What contact would be normal with a new born baby? 6 month old? Year old? I am planning to exclusively breastfeed. I also don't want to see/ hear from him, so would I be unreasonable to ensure all contact goes through a 3rd party - including being there during initial visits.

Sorry you're going through pregnancy alone, I did too and just wanted to offer you some support really, feel free to pm me if you have any questions.

I wanted no contact with the father either but it wasn't possible without more upheaval than I could cope with (mutual friends/business etc). Looking back it was an awful time as he was emotionally abusive throughout my pregnancy and it was pretty traumatic. If you're avoiding contact for a similar reason I'd say it's sensible but if it's because the relationship broke down or you can't stand him then I'd say really have a think about where this is going long term as it might be better for you to work through it (sorry if that sounds patronising really don't mean it to be!). Is he going to be put on the birth certificate for example? If so he'll have the same legal rights and responsibilities as a parent as you do which, now you're playing a long game, means it'll work in your favour if you can learn to communicate with him in a neutral/just about baby way when baby arrives.

I also exclusively breastfed and couldn't express and baby refused bottles anyway so we were basically inseparable for the first 6 months. His dad had contact once a week where he came to my home for a few hours and I tried to ignore him and do my housework. I have heard of people saying little and often is best so an hour or so a day of visit with dad but weekly worked well for all of us. I suppose I could have persisted with bottle/breast pump and had someone else supervise the visit but tbh a newborn brought out the lioness in me, it was too painful to be separated from baby and I think I'd have bitten off dads head if he tried to take my baby!!! (there was also a safeguarding issue though and turned out I was right to be really cautious). I don't have any family nearby or I'd have probably been ok to leave him with my mum to supervise.

Contact stopped for various reasons around 8 months but my ds is now 2 and spends an unsupervised day away with his dad and I hate it! The hardest part is not knowing where he is or what he's been up to when he gets home- I have an (outwardly) amicable relationship with his dad and it makes it a bit easier at pick up and drop off being able to ask some questions about what he's been up to, I personally think I'd go mad not knowing. I worry about my son feeling like he has a double life so try to engage with the other side of his family as much as I can stomach but sometimes I do wonder if it'd be better for my mental health to just move away and accept that my son is a part of a family that I'm not and enjoy the emotional freedom of not having them in my life...god now I've written that I feel like I need to move away!!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if this man wants to be your childs father then (assuming he's not dangerous) that's great and you being accepting of that relationship already makes you a great mum. But if he's going to be playing a starring role in your child's life and coparenting it's best (only in my opinion tho as I don't know the man and he could be a massive turd) to try and open the lines of communication for the sake of your child.

Good luck, sod thinking too much about the dad and focus on your body doing the most beautiful thing! Look after yourself x

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Honestly, I wouldn't worry too much until the time comes. I know (first hand) that it's easier said than done! I spent weeks after my DD's birth convinced her father was going to come round and insist on taking her out for days and to his family etc, as hed insisted on that happening when I was pregnant. As it turned out she's 10 months old and he's seen her for less than a couple of hours in her life, and never unsupervised.

It would all depend on if he wanted to take it to court or not, and his level of commitment. The reality of life with a baby is very different to what a lot of people expect (women included!) and I think my ex had a bit of a shock when I explained what it's like and decided he didn't actually want that responsibility after all.

Sorry, to answer your questions I don't think it's too unreasonable to ask about communication going through a third party if you have good reason to do so. Otherwise it would ultimately make your life a lot easier if you could have civil contact with your ex e.g. Contact is this, DC will be available to be collected/seen at this time/place. And leave it at that