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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Clothes for when child is with father

21 replies

motheroreily · 20/09/2017 11:51

This is really not a big deal and I'm feeling stressed/sad/overwhelmed at the mo so it might feel worse than it is.

One thing I resent is that my daughter's dad expects me to provide clothes for when she's with him. He gives me £180 a month which doesn't cover childcare, but according to the csa calculator that's what he should pay. He doesn't give any extra for clothes, trips etc but I understand he pays maintenance and that's all he needs to do.

He was angry at the weekend she because I forgot to pack her coat and that meant they couldn't go out in the evening. But then I thought "buy your own coat."

Then I thought I'm being petty. I've bought her a coat for school so why should he buy another one? Anyway I didn't intentionally do it

Now I've written this down I sound like a brat! But on the other hand he has her most weekends so I feel he should provide for the time he is with her.

There is a bit of extra resentment that I moved out and my rent is £200 a month more than the mortgage he pays. Even though my rent is the cheapest in the area. But I know that doesn't come into it.

Ahh I know I sound crazy sorry. Just wondered what other people do

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/09/2017 11:58

If he has her every weekend he should have a full wardrobe of stuff for her. We have my DSC every weekend and they have a full set up, beds, PJs, dressing gowns and slippers, towels, swimwear, wellies, rain coats, normal clothes. This is their other home. They never have to carry anything with them. They Mum gets waaaaaay more money than you do but DH is their Dad where we live is their home so of course we have clothes and everything they need.

You ex is being completely unreasonable. Is your DD taking everything she needs for a weekend with her?

VimFuego101 · 20/09/2017 12:00

I think he should at least have a coat, boots, and a few changes of clothes there so she can feel at home while she's there and not have to haul bags of stuff back and forth with her.

MadeForThis · 20/09/2017 12:30

Surely maintenance is calculated on the basis that he is financially responsible for them while in his care. Food, clothes, trips etc.
I would send them in what they are wearing and no more.
His maintenance has probably been reduced due to his overnights.

Justgivemesomepeace · 20/09/2017 12:36

Never really understood this. Her clothes are her clothes so she just takes them with her. He packs them up and sends them back. Sometimes they're washed sometimes they're not. Occasionally I've said 'she's brought x garment and it's not quite dry can you shove on the radiator when you get in.' Or 'such a thing needs running through the wash.' Occasionally stuff gets left. Occasionally stuff he's got her comes here. Now she's older step mums stuff she's 'borrowed' ends up at mine. It really doesn't have to be an issue.

Original poster

motheroreily · 20/09/2017 12:40

Thanks for your responses. I can understand that they're her clothes. I guess I resent the fact I've been paying for them all.

OP posts:

BackieJerkhart · 20/09/2017 12:44

Does he live far away? What stopped him calling to your house for her coat? Or even nipping into Asda/Lidl/Tesco/wherever and buying a cheap coat?

Original poster

motheroreily · 20/09/2017 12:45

And I get annoyed when he says he can't afford to buy clothes and to
Take her on days out. When I'm much worse off than him and constantly overdrawn.

£100 on clothes for her would just make me go more overdrawn than I already am. It won't make my finances worse. But I'm annoyed at the assumption I'll buy them

Hmm I sound quite ranty sorry

OP posts:

Justgivemesomepeace · 20/09/2017 12:45

She does have pj's there but that's it. And sometimes they get shoved in the bag and end up at mine.

Original poster

motheroreily · 20/09/2017 12:49

backie he was away that weekend and didn't realise there was no coat til it was too late. I suggested going to primark or Asda etc but wouldn't

OP posts:

Yika · 20/09/2017 12:54

I have been there, had this argument!! I used to have to send EVERYTHING!! Now at least my DD has slippers, pyjamas and wellies at my XP's. I really insist that he keeps a minimum there.

For a holiday, fair enough I will pack up a week or two week's worth of clothing. Also favourites if there is any special occasion.

But I really think it should be possible to keep enough basics to cover weekends in both places. Keep insisting.

I sometimes pick up stuff in a charity shop which I give my XP to keep there (but he ought to do that himself).

BackieJerkhart · 20/09/2017 12:57

Well he dropped the ball a couple of times then and ignored several changes to have a coat for his child.

he could have text you before contact saying "we're going to X this weekend, could you make sure DD brings a coat.
when she arrived at his house he could have checked with her that she had a coat, if she didn't, he could have collected it before they set off for the weekend.
upon realising she didn't have a coat whilst already on the trip he could have purchased one in a charity shop or Asda etc.

All 3 times he chose not to take responsibility for his daughter having the clothing he needed her to have for a trip he planned. When I take my children away I ensure they have the appropriate clothing. I don't blame someone else for my lack of forward planning. He needs an attitude adjustment. His contact time is his responsibility. He has to plan and provide accordingly. If there is something specific she will need he needs to make sure she has it. Just like you do for when she is with you.

wannabestressfree · 20/09/2017 13:04

I only pack if they are going on holiday and that's because they are older and have things they like- designer bits. They have the basics with their dad eg pj's, pants, socks etc

Original poster

motheroreily · 20/09/2017 14:00

Now I've reflected I realise it's more than the clothes.

It's everything that happened. That he has the house and I rent. He is better off than me. He has more quality time than me because he gets the weekends. He's got savings but mine went on my flat deposit and for unexpected bills and I've also got about £3k debt because wages and maintenance weren't covering everything.

the clothes are just the final straw. But I brought it on myself by not wanting conflict

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 20/09/2017 18:28

You can't always bend and accommodate. There will always be more.... some people are takers. I would not answer messages and she will go in a coat soon I imagine. You don't have to give every weekend so decide what it is you want and stick to it. It took me years :/

mummypig14 · 19/12/2017 22:38

I would rather send my DS with his lovely thick warm coat ive got for him than a cheap shit ugly and thin one his Dad picked up at ASDA. You have to think it's for her benefit - not him. I want my DS in lovely comfy clothes. No way would exp think to put a hat and gloves on him if I didn't pack them!

Practically too he'd have to get changed back into whatever he went to his Dad's in to make sure I got My clothes for him back - which is an utter faff! I much prefer sending him with a bag for the weekend with seasonally appropriate clothes and will pack appropriately based on the surprisingly accurate plans DS (6) says hes doing with his Dad. So if they're going trampolining he'll take joggers or out for dinner his chinos and a shirt etc.

Think that it's for your DD not exs benefit :)

NorthernSpirit · 20/12/2017 09:18

Clothes are always contentious.

My OH pays over £700 maintenance for his 2 children and the mother refuses to let them bring any clothes / their possessions to ours. In fact recently she said she would strip the children naked rather than they go in ‘her’ clothes (the children are 12 & 9)!

So we have a full set of clothes at ours for the kids. Where this gets difficult is when the children return home in the things we’ve bought them and they return in rags and we never see the things we’ve bought them again. Last winter my OH purchased 3 coats for them as they would turn up in winter in T shits freezing cold. There were numerous pairs of trainers bought that we never saw again.

My OH has got tougher on this and now when they turn up without a coat (or in flip flops like last Friday night for example when it was freezing cold). He sends them back into their mums and tells them to get their things.

Personally I don’t agree with this ‘our stuff’ - both parents should be buying things, they are the children’s clothes and so go between houses.

RavingRoo · 20/12/2017 09:23

Suggest you stop sending her on weekends and renegotiate. Sounds like everything is on his terms - he should have her on weekdays too.

NorthernSpirit · 20/12/2017 10:35

@RavingRoo - you would stop a child seeing their dad as you’re not happy about ‘terms’? That sounds pretty controlling. The child has a right to see the dad, just as much as the mum has.

If you aren’t happy about clothes or contact time, try to sort it out between you as adults. No need to stop contact.

Kingsclerelass · 20/12/2017 22:12

OP, stop feeling guilty for a start. I understand completely why you're fed up and you aren't being petty.
My ex expected me to have clean & cheerful child plus bag of freshly ironed clothes, coat wellies, toiletries, car seat etc ready to go on a Friday evening, and he would return filthy, overexcited tired child, plus filthy coat & boots and just expect me to deal with it all. And it's not ok.
Your ex should have the basics at his home, pants, socks, a few clothes, wellies, a coat and a car seat. He's a parent too and he needs to act like it.
Also, why does he get every weekend, ie play time while you get weekdays, i.e. School nights & homework. That's patently not fair. When do you get to enjoy your dc?
Don't get cross with him, just tell him that's how it is. He'll soon get the idea

Original poster

motheroreily · 21/12/2017 08:57

Thank you for all your replies. I sort of accepted he doesn't buy clothes. I made it ok in my head now but i don't send underwear i think he should provide that.

We've also agreed to change the arrangement so i have every third weekend. Which is a big improvement.

He's mellowed alot. He bought me out the house. I didnt get 50% but i got enough to be able to buy a flat with a mortgage. After a while I thought it isn't fair but i don't want to live in conflict. So prioritised my arguments ha - fairer contact and a fairer split of the equity

OP posts:

Ihaterapmusic · 03/01/2018 01:03

For my dsd we have a full wardrobe of clothes. Dp pays maintenance and extras. But we still have everything here.. Mainly because what his ex sends his dd in is generally mismatched tat which is either fit for the rag bag or playing in the park in.
So we just buy her what she needs, even down to hair clips etc. Once she gets here and bathes it's our pj's and clothes for the duration then before going home she gets changed into either what she wore here or if her mum has occasionally packed anything for her.
It can be a faff. But dsd loves it as she said she loves the pretty clothes and accessories and loves when we take her to buy it

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