How do you deal with materialistic competitive parenting without feeling like a failure?

[SpoonPixie]

Sick of it. Constant gifts to dd and ringing several times a week to inform her of what he's bought her or big holidays away he's planning. Always with the byline 'isn't daddy such a good parent?'

Last night I was informed that dad said he can buy her stuff because he works and mum doesn't. I'm looking atm but it's not the easiest since ex moved away (his choice), cutting the time he takes her plus the money he pays towards her so childcare is a problem. Moved to self employed cash in hand, no point in official channels.

I also had to give up uni for dd and it hurts that I feel so stuck because he can't pull his weight but acts like he's the best in the world when nothing much in his life has changed. My prospects on the other hand are dire.

Feeling so low that there's a possibility all dd sees is a great dad and I'm the shit one who can't even afford a weekend away and is constantly saying 'nope, no money for that'. I had a childhood of loads of holidays and no worries about money and while I know I wished my parents were around more I can't help but feel like a failure that I can't provide the same for her.

I need someone to give me a talking to or sympathy please

It's being there day after day, doing the drudge, doing your best, that will be apparent to dd deep down. They see through it all...eventually

Thanks midge, I know eventually it will probably show. The thing myself and close friends have said in our 20/30s is that we wished our parents had been there more time wise for us more than anything. It just feels pretty shitty now doing the drudge and knowing I can't compete with massive bedrooms and playrooms to yourself, big birthday parties and whatever electronic devices she wants. All the while his reminders to her that she doesn't have that here. I suppose I'm worried that dd will grow up placing more importance on that than what really matters.

My MIL was in the same situation when DH and his siblings were little - watching the pennies, doing it all herself. DH now has so much love and respect for her and everything that she did for him and his brothers and sisters.
It'll get better I promise

Thank you so much ootlander, that genuinely brought tears to my eyes. I don't know why I'm feeling so sensitive atm, I can usually brush it off. I think it's just got to me lately comments she's made but obviously not realising the whole story of what I've given up and how he's cut money and that but would never ever say because I've gained so much too. I love her to bits and love the fact she loves her dad and he is a part of her life. I just wish he wouldn't feel like it's a one upmanship and he doesn't need to buy her love.

My exh tried to buy my ds x 2 over the years. .Phones, tech, cash. . Parties with alcohol, drugs - I kid you not. .
Ds 14+12 both decided he wasn't parenting them at all and moved in full time with me. He moved and didn't even tell them where to!!
Yet he has spent ten years trying to destroy my relationship with them.
Backfired arse hole. .
Your time will come op. .

That's a nightmare winter. Why the fuck do exs do it? I'd want to see us in an amicable relationship that puts the dc first. I heard him once say 'do you love mummy or daddy best' (she puts him on speakphone quite a lot). What a twatty thing to do to a child

You can't buy time as it's not for sale

This is something I worry about OP. DD is still young so does come out with random crap he spouts (once a week) but I find planning lovely inexpensive adventures/activities shows how special our time is. Not always easy when working and worn out of course
I've also put uni on the back burner while ex who always went on how pointless a degree was is starting one at work the time I was due to start my course. He uses it when he can't have her and doesn't shut up about it so no advice there but you're not alone.
I just tell myself I'm the best parent I can be while he can't say the same, she's happy and bright because of my constant input, I get to see the fab bits as she grows as a person (this is harder at 3am when she's having a toddler tantrum, granted) and she won't be little for ever. I'm told my time will come! It's the same for you. No doubt you're doing a brilliant job and this will become very clear as kids get older.

I was going to say similar to previous poster..

Do not try and compete with him materially. My Ex doesn't see DS so no completion however we don't have masses of fund...So I do the things that let him know ..The note in the lunch box, we make gingerbread houses every Christmas eve, Sitting reading in bed. , books we have got from the library..

Think about your childhood..What are the things you remember about your childhood..It isn't usually big piles of present..Maybe a special teddy but not most of the toys

Growing up my ds told me he knew his df hated me more than he loved them. .
I didn't need to tell them anything - he was so wrapped up in hatred his venom shone through.

She might be duped by it in the short term, but she will know when she looks back on her childhood who did the care giving, who had tenacity, who saw what she needed not just what she wanted.
You are doing the parenting, he is doing flashy. Not saying that holidays etc don't give kids anything, but if that's all he offers it's not parenting, and she will know that.

I hope he's giving the right maintenance, given he has so much money to splash around.

DD is constantly coming back with presents from my ex. I don't like it as I don't want her to grow up thinking you just get given freebies all the time but not much you can do about it.