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Lone parents

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Original poster

Should I let my daughter see her dad?

11 replies

Casey246 · 10/09/2017 15:07

I met my daughters dad when I was 15 he was 22. I was a vulnerable teenager to say the least but I thought I was very mature. We met via Facebook and I was always open about my age but and he didn't have a problem with it. He told me I couldn't tell anyone tho as it's illegal but he can see I'm not a child and 'loves me'. So the relationship was awful he was very emotionally abusive at this stage but things went from bad to worse and my mum kicked me out of the family home to which I had no option but to live with him. I became pregnant at 16 which was a horrible experience through out and He became physically abusive aswell as emotionally, although I will add I was physically abusive back to him. I hated myself by the time I had my daughter and was very suicidel.. this relationship continued for another two years as he progeammed into my head that I wouldn't be able to cope as a single parent without him. I finally broke off the relationship and continued to let him and my daughter have contact to which he would always abuse my kindness and tell me I'm a shit mum and that my daughter would prefer to live with him ( although he had nowhere to live) Untill it got to a point he was saying it infeont of my daughter and getting him to agree with her. I stopped contact and received a message from his new current girlfriend saying he had raped and beaten her.. he Denys this and labelled her as 'crazy' although the events she described are similar to what happened to me and an ex girlfriend prior to me. It's been 14 months since he's seen our daughter and messages me on fake accounts because he's blocked saying that he would do anything to see her and he's now sorted his life out and is in a loving relationship. However whenever I talk to him even just about our daughter I feel this over whelming gut wrenching pain in my stomach and all the horrible depressing feelings I felt when we were together come flooding back even tho I belive I've grown massively as a person since breaking up with him. My daughter loves him and he's a good farther on the surface but she obviously doesn't know a thing about what happened between us. I guess I'm just looking for some advice because I can't make sence of these feelings, my friends just tell me to ignore them and I can't stop him from seeing her dad, but as a now 22 year old woman I see a lot wrong with him entertaining a vulnerable 15 year old in the first place. No nasty comments please x

OP posts:

QuackDuckQuack · 10/09/2017 15:10

I'd ignore him and he can take you to court if he wants to see her.

WalkanTalk · 10/09/2017 15:14

If he's a good dad and she loves him then I feel you'd be imposing your views on their relationship if you were to restrict access.
I understand your concerns about his involvement with you when you were 15, now that you have a daughter yourself. But I would say that just because he's not a good boyfriend (by many accounts by the sound of it, not just yours) that doesn't mean he's not a good dad. And a good dad is all he needs to be for your daughter.

Mustang27 · 10/09/2017 15:41

Oh god op this sounds truly horrific!!

I'd say don't let this man near you or your daughter and if he wants to see her let him go through the courts to grant access.

I hope his previous girlfriend is pressing charges. I highly doubt in 14 months such a horrible human being can overhaul and see the error of their ways.

Walkantalk a good father does not continue to abuse an ex partner through their child, op stated that he was doing so.

StarfishSeahorse · 10/09/2017 15:42

No. Absolutely No.

Nomoresunshine · 10/09/2017 15:45

So he is treating his current gf the same as you. .
With enough to have him sent to prison if you chose to report him to the police - isn't the sort of df I would want around my dd.
Let him take you to court and prove to a judge he is a changed man.
My exh gave my dc sweets and presents making him in their eyes a nice man - a judge deemed him a danger to them. .
Your dd has no idea of him really has she? Who wouldn't love the 'idea' of a nice df?But he isn't. .
Protect her.

Original poster

Casey246 · 10/09/2017 15:58

He's had a handful of girlfriends since we broke up.. the one who messaged me saying he had beaten and raped her are no longer together. He's with someone knew and has been for over half a year I belive, he says that their relationship is good and they've had no issues but obviously he wouldn't tell me. He's 29 now and his current gf is 21 with two children from a previous relationship.. I can't help but see a pattern of him going for women younger and vulnerable. I've said he needs to take me to court but he won't because he knows I will speak the truth from day 1 and day 1 alone is instantly an offence, so he tries to really play on my heart strings and hopes he can get around going to court. When I meant an on the surface good dad he does just that, buys her things takes her out to fun places for the day and makes her laugh..because of this she loves him and asks when she can see him again.

OP posts:

73Marie · 10/09/2017 21:45

Oh he sounds lovely. Yours and your child's safety are paramount and if you feel she's at risk then of course you wpuldnt wamt him near her. I really feel for you.

Personally i dont think its a great idea to go for contact from what you have said. There are options if you want to try contact tho...you are in charge...There's supervised contact at a family centre...or insisr on someone you trust present at all times like his mum or dad.

Im not sure whether your post is suggesting you had a sexual relationship at 15...but if so please please get some advice and support from a women's center. Its never too late to report abuse.

A good father doesn't rape, beat or emotionally destroy women. Just another thought.

I really hope you find a way through that your comfortable with. X

SingingSeuss · 10/09/2017 21:48

Put her first and protect her. Let professionals decide if he has changed enough to see her, but make sure they know what he is like.

Emeralda · 10/09/2017 22:08

Don't respond to his messages. If he's messaging you from fake accounts because you have blocked him, he is not respecting your boundaries. Sounds like he's trying to make you doubt yourself. He is proving to you that he hasn't changed. You've already told him to take it to court. He hasn't. End of story. Don't even bother repeating that. Just don't respond.

Starlight2345 · 10/09/2017 23:01

I would change your name on FB so he can't find you with Fake accounts..

Take pictures of yourself or child off cover page and profile pic.. Will make it harder for him to respond.

If you get a message request decline, friend request decline..Do you know ...no

BlackeyedSusan · 11/09/2017 10:45

darling, you were a child, your family were not supportive, abuse is not your fault. well done for getting out, it is not easier even a couple of decades older.

he is not a good father, nowhere near. you are right to protect dd from being in a house where there is domestic violence.

if you can speak to your GP about the abuse, or health visitor, or police domestic violence unit if you can. or victim support, or some housing associations.. this will help your dd in the long run if he does ever get his act together and apply to court.

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