How do you cope with deadbeat fathers?!

[hattiesmumm]

Hi! Looking for some advice now my kids are getting older.

I have two children, a girl who is 9 and a boy who is nearly 8. I split from their dad (married) nearly 4 years ago after an abusive (mentally/emotionally- then ending in violence) marriage. When we split, he would see the kids every other week for a few hours. Never paid a penny, in fact I helped him a lot financially 🙄. He would do things like be abusive when I picked the kids up etc. But I tried my best to get him to have the kids. He refused weekends because he didn't want me going out having fun while he and the kids.

Fast forward to two years later, he met a woman who had kids. She was just as bad as him, abusive etc. He had the kids one weekend a month, but always with her and her kids. Last year he had twins in October. He has seen the kids 3 times since, the last being January. He didn't send anything for our daughter for her birthday, and I'm guessing he isn't going to for our son. Even though he keeps asking.

They hate him, only due to what they have seen. I have never said anything nasty, I have tried so much. He told his car last year so can't come and see them at all now.

I'm so worried the kids will go off the rails!

I have a new partner now, and we had a baby last year who the kids absolutely adore, I mean like probably abit too much 😂And they adore DP who my son calls Dad- off his own back.

Iv kept every message/email if they want to see them where I'm asking him to see them, he's sending me abuse, and telling me he wants to sign custody over.

I'm trying to go through cms. Been trying since May but still not had anything. 😤

So, how do you explain to the kids when they are older?

tell them the truth. you tried, you can't make him do anything. he was not very good at being a dad.

I tell my DS that he did nothing to not want him to see his Dad.

I think they work through it..It pops up every now and again. Just acknowledge there feelings and be glad he has gone.

I also think some kids ask more than others..I answer my son honestly.... I although I refrain from because he is a self obsessed prick... but only answer what he feels he needs to know..My DS also knows if his dad wanted to see him ( which he won't ) he would have to go to court to make sure it is the right thing for my DS.

I don't think the right approach to deadbeat dads is to be honest. It must be so hurtful to be told your own dad has no interest in you.

Teaches ..It is hurtful if your parent has no interest in you.. That is far more difficult to deal with anything a parent tells there child..

No caring parents says it so bluntly but to tell them your dad loves you , just can't be a dad right now. Teaches children a very weird idea of love... I also think it is not fair to give a child false hope.

It doesn't mean tell them I wouldn't let your dad within a million miles of you because he is too irresponsible to care for you, or your dad is far more interested in drinking, watching foodball , shagging around ( insert as appropriate) ..But a much more tactful answer that doesn't give false hope. My Ds was told I don't know why ..I cannot imagine not wanting to see you every chance I got because I simply don't understand.

I always worry that my girls will end up with someone like their dad. They have contact which was more off than on about 2 years ago, while he was dating.

Then the next year he wanted kids in his life with new girlfriend but will still not turn up some weekends.

I'm with you never said a bad thing about him however, I do think they may have picked up on my feelings afew times iv been upset for them.

My new partner is amaxing we are a team he helps with cooking and cleaning and has time for my girls.
Once I said I worry my children will go for someone like their dad and the upset it will cause them his reply was your eldest is wise and the littleones also have me is a role model they are learning what a dad should do and how he should treat his family with love and respect.

My partner is right when they see him washing, cooking, cleaning etc they say my dad doesn't do that.
To my partner replies oh does he not. I like helping this is our home (not moved in yet) and I like to help your mum to. Since that my girls help alot more around the house so we all get more time together.

Honstly your new partner will show the kids how a man should be and your showing them how to get on with life. They won't
Go off the rails coz they have you who show them love and respect you teach them how to treat people and be strong.

Xx