Meeting the new girlfriend

[Laurenalice90]

Hi,

This is my first post and honestly just looking to vent as I have no one to vent to. I also want to see if my anger is justified! This may be a long one so I apologise in advance for ranting!!

I left my ex-partner around 4 months ago. I had to stay with my sister for a couple of months but have been in our new flat for 2 months now. My 2 boys (7 & 4) are still adjusting to our new life and struggle some days, as do I. One is starting Junior school tomorrow and my 4 year old is starting Reception. Big events for both! They are new schools to them too as we moved out of the area.

My ex partner told me last Sunday as he was leaving from dropping my boys off, he's seeing someone new. I was very happy for him. In fact, quite relieved as I had no remaining guilt hanging over me for leaving! He asked if I had any questions and I said, "all I ask is that you let me know when the kids are going to meet her". The convo was brief and easy and I went about my week without even thinking about it.

Before he was due to collect them on Friday, I got a text asking for our annual zoo passes. I asked him TWICE if he was taking them alone or with someone else. He ignored me. He said nothing about it when collecting the children and nothing when dropping them back tonight.

When I asked my 7yo how his weekend was, he said "we went to the zoo with daddy's new friend".

I am very happy he's found someone he likes spending time with but they met online 2 months ago and surely it just doesn't make sense to introduce someone so soon? He argued he only introduced her as a friend but it's not common practice for us to have days out with friends so is completely new to our boys.

I also had a problem that it was a full day at the zoo (where we would always go together as a family). My son commented immediately that it was "weird" having her in my seat in the car.

They are still adjusting and starting school tomorrow. My 7 year old has been in tears all evening about being scared about school which is so not like him at all. I just don't think they're ready for more changes!

The only reason it wasn't mentioned to me was so he wouldn't get any grief (which he wouldn't have got anyway just a bit of advice/requests).

I am so disappointed, although I don't know why as he is so predictable by this point. We were together 9 years. Do I not deserve more respect than this? Am I overreacting?

If you read all that, thank you! I'd love a bit of advice/reassurance if you have any. I just feel totally drained tonight!!

x

Can I please bump as I've had contact now from his parents (first word I've heard from them since moving) and would love some advice on how to handle this x

Hi OP.

Obviously it's too soon. Your children and still adjusting, starting school and their reaction would worry me (she being "in your seat").

I think it was very selfish and underhand of him. If he had if been upfront you could of helped them with this, when the time was right.

What have his parents said?

Thanks so much for your reply. They were just seeing how I am and how the boys are doing (could've done with that text 3 months ago!). It's just obvious that they're involving themselves to try and fix this problem we now have. I haven't responded yet. I don't feel like I need to justify myself to anyone. I'm so angry about it. My boys just aren't ready. It's just the worst timing - they are so fragile at the moment x

I would be fuming if this was me. Regardless of who left who after two months he knows nothing about this woman. How very dare he involve a complete stranger in their lives after such a short period of time. I would expect the same if the shoes were on the other foot. It's not acceptable to involve children in relationships unless they are serious and two months certainly isn't. Don't involve his parents. Just advise him you are shocked that he would do this to the children at such a delicate time in their lives and explain why it's not acceptable

This is exactly how I feel. Glad it's not just me. He's just thinking about himself, not a thought of the boys. Thanks for your reply x

It doesn't make sense to introduce children to new partners so soon but it seems a lot of people do it.
My ex introduced his new gf to our DD when they had been together about 2 months (he had already met her kids so god knows when that introduction happened), I'm not sure how serious they are as he downplays their relationship continually to me (trying to keep me interested I suspect)
My DD was very unsettled at first but she's adapting because she has no choice but to accept the situation. My ex rarely spends any one on one time with her which DD finds upsetting. I try to compartmentalise it because I have absolutely no control over anything in that area of DD's life so getting annoyed or upset is fairly futile. Initially DD would ask me to speak to her dad if things upset her but he downplays or makes a joke out of the things that upset her which she hates, so now she will tell me things that upset/unsettle her but I've not to speak to her dad about it 'because there's no point' (DD's words)
My advice is to calmly accept it, help your children feel as secure and loved as you can when they are with you and don't show anything but happiness when they go to their dads for contact- the last bit will take every ounce of acting ability you have!!
Good luck

Don't make a big deal about it to the kids (I'm sure you haven't anyway). It's something you can't stop from happening I'm afraid. Yes it would've been polite for ex to tell you especially after you asked twice but it's over with now. These kinds of threads I usually see people saying something along the lines of 'you have no say on how the children spend their time with their father/mother now the two of you are separated'. Just be there for your children if they need you and don't press for information if you know they've spent time with her over the weekend as they will know you're not happy.

Not telling you to 'avoid grief' even tho youd agreed to say before introducing new partners sounds like he's emotionally manipulating you thro the kids. Do not let him know he's got to you...that's what he wants. Its so childish of him. Just stay calm and give only measured response making boundrys clear. You wont be able to stop hI'm doing this. I would make sure the kids knew you were ok with it too.. so they dont feel guilty for being there with this new frIend.

I think the problem is that you wanted to know so you could offer advice/requests.

Much as I think it's too soon, that's a bit controlling.

You broke up with him which means you don't have the right to be involved in any aspect of his life that isn't dangerous for the children and meeting a new gf quickly doesn't fall into that category.

As I said, I think it's way too soon. But there's nothing you can do about it!

For now, I would completely downplay it to the boys and concentrate on helping them settle into school.

Re: "your seat" that's hard but if it was me I'd say something like "it's not mummy's seat, darling. It's for any grown up who goes in the car, and when you're big enough it'll be yours, too!"

I think he was out of line. I met my OHs daughter after 6 months of being together when we were definitely serious and I met her mum (his ex) shortly afterwards as their agreement had always been that this would happen. It was a 10 minute cup of tea but it did a lot to develop good feeling between us.
Your children are still getting used to the fact that you two have split up so to introduce someone else is a lot for them. It's sad that he doesn't realise that but I'm not sure how much you can do about it.

Introducing them as a friend isn't too much of a problem, were your children aware who she is? But what everyone else says about trying to swallow your feelings. He obviously thinks it's ok and the best thing for your children is to not pick up on anger/upset from you.