How important is consistency?

[SilverdaleGlen]

Split from ex around 2 yrs ago and he wants to see the kids but as and when he wants, he absolutely cannot be tied down to a routine and has avoided mediation.

I think my eldest (7) is struggling with the sporadic nature of it as I can never confirm/warn them he's coming or for how long or even if he wants to take them overnight (once on the spur of the moment for 4 days, and only 2 of the 3). And I of course am getting the "I hate you" fall out.

How important do you think a consistent routine is? Should I continue to facilitate contact by being nice and letting him see them whenever he wants for their sake or say "no consistency no access" which is a nuclear option and not one I want to take!

I don't get any financial support if that's of any relevance. Never have.

Bump for the morning people

My DD is only 9 months so I don't have personal experience with that yet (her dad is much the same though and has seen her a couple of hours in her whole life), but id be inclined to say he either has consistency or buggers off if it's affecting them negatively. How often does he see them roughly? There's a big difference between being inconsistent and seeing them a few times a week compared to every few months.

Dealing with the same so awaiting responses here.

(It's just pants, isn't it? Really want to pull the plug on him...)

Of course consistency is vital for children. Withhold the contact and tell him to get a solicitor. My ex got a contact order but it made things so much better and kids have a routine.

I think children thrive better in a routine. They like to know what is happening - as we all do. He is messing you all about and needs to sort something more regular out. For their benefit, before he tries to imply it's just for your sake.

My experience is that routine is extremely important for children and contact. My ds starts to refuse to ex after years of inconsistency, he felt let down, and knew he couldn't rely on him or trust anything he said. It was awful.

I think irregular contact is very damaging .. my Ds really struggled .. I would offer content Eow Sat to Sunday .. He either takes it or doesn't.. if he declines document .. Next contact available is a fortnight later .. you will build up a picture for court should he take that route but it stops you having to jump to his tune

Since we split it's been really inconsistent. So for a few months he would be here all the time, so 2-4 days a week, then he'd be gone 5 weeks. He had become better and then again 2-3 weeks nothing. At the moment it's probably a day for a few hours every 2-3 weeks then he turned up and took them away for 4 days with no warning and we haven't now seen him for 2 weeks but says he's coming for 2 days early next week.

He also tells them he doesn't come as mummy doesn't let him. Clearly not true

I've asked and asked for a schedule but no, booked mediation but that was me "getting the law involved" (nope its to try and agree routine!) so he just refused to do it. I'm at the end of my tether trying to get a routine and it now feels deliberate timings to inconvenience my work but I'm given the option to say no, therefore onus on me again.

Not sure where to go from here??

You need to do what Queen says and get a solicitor. I would not withhold contact but offer a schedule (don't ask for one) which he takes or leaves (or goes to mediation to change). You need 'the law' involved for the best interests of DC.

Agree with summer. I wouldn't but you can offer a fair schedule of contact and then record all the non attendance which will help with future negotiations on fixed contact

And ring the cms immediately