How many phone calls from NRP is reasonable?

[ThomasRichard]

ExH and I have 2 primary-school aged DC. We've been separated for over 2 years, divorced for 1. ExH lived locally until earlier this year, when he moved a couple of hours' drive away without telling me. Because of the move, contact was reduced from every other weekend and a couple of weekday nights every other week to EOW only.

ExH periodically goes through phases of calling the DC or texting me to ask them to call him every day. This keeps up for a week or so and then drops off so we don't hear from him for a few weeks and then it starts up again.

I work FT and the children have clubs in the evenings so they're at afterschool wraparound care, then we're rushing around and then straight into bedtime routine so they're in bed by 8pm. ExH's calls always go on for up to 45 minutes, which disrupts them having dinner/playing/bathing/going to bed. DD always cries afterwards and is difficult to settle, DS gets upset because DD hogs the phone, then DD cries because she wants to say goodbye, etc. If the phone call ends, ExH rings back again and again. So it's generally a PITA. In addition, ExH was very abusive towards me during our marriage and having to constantly deal with him is very triggering for me.

ExH started this up again this week while we were on holiday abroad. I lost it and told him that the constant demands for phone calls were intrusive and disruptive and that the DC would call him when they asked (they are always allowed to do this). He's now accusing me of pushing him out and stopping him from having a relationship with the DC.

I would prefer it if he fell off the side of the earth. He wants phone calls on demand. What is actually reasonable?

I've had this difficulty with ex. Hevdiesnt seem to get that schoolnight evenings are pretty bloody tight for time..plus he wants me to 'stage manage' the call supervising one while he talks to the other - disregarding the fact that I am flying around sorting school stuff, dinner, washing etc. In theory set days or times work so you can plan in advance but kids aren't robots and don't always want to talk at the set time do that doesn't work either. How about suggesting a minimum of 3 times a week for 20 mins or whatever but speak to him separately to establish these 'rules ' and try and enlist his cooperation WRT bedtime etc. It's really hard.

The trouble with set times is that then there's something else for him to hold over me. He tries to be controlling and I want as little to do with him as possible because otherwise the abuse continues.

I think that set times (chosen by you to fit in best with the kids) is your best get to keep contact to a minimum. An email to set the times then that's it

I would keep a diary over a couple of months (your call log might provide this) which demonstrates the sporadic nature of the calls. I would send this to him with a brief explanation that it does not take into account the needs of the children and a brief explanation of the effects on them eg crying and not sleeping after the calls. I would suggest a time for him to call once a fortnight and say you will try to be available but will let him know if you need to change the day. Then sit back and he won't stick to it and you record that you made the children available for the call but that he didn't make it. Blah blah blah. What a bastard. These are for you

I think you're right: I'll grit my teeth and send him an email with set times. Maybe twice a week?

I hate that he gets to swan in and out of our lives as he pleases and upset us all like this

Thanks for the

Twice a week is a lot. Is that what you think will work best for your DCs?

Gosh, sitting on the other side here. My DC is now just turned 12 and our court order states that contact with the parent they are not with is at the DC choice. My DC has asked me during the holidays to call them each day at 7pm. My,ex has taken their phone away and won't allow contact. Apparently it disrupts "their blended family time" please note there are no other children at all. My DC is upset by this. My option for resolution seems to be to return to court for enforcement of the court order. Who in their right minds wants that? No compromise offered by ex.

Our court order states that ex can call DD every Tuesday and every other Friday when he is not seeing her at the weekend (only sees him every other Saturday)

In court, ex said he wanted to call every day but the judge said it was too invasive on her time with me and set the above. He has to call at 6.30pm and if he hasn't by 6.40, I don't have to answer.

He stuck to it rigidly for about 6 mo this but hasn't called for over 3 years now. He has no contact with DD from contact on one Saturday to the Saturday two weeks after.

^ this sounds sensible. DC also have to be protected from excessive calling followed by....no calls for weeks.

I would be distraught if I didn't get to speak to my son every day. I think YABU.

This thread isn't about you or your situation.

A set time just means that you let the kids answer the phone, get them to put it on speaker and you can leave the room if you want. I've found they argue about who gets to hang up so they have a day each.

My ex was face timing our boys everyday, after a chat with my solicitor it was agreed that they face timed him on a wed morning and everyother sat morning. Ex was none to pleased but did back down after his solicitor confirmed to him that a judge would agree with me, and strangely enough because he wouldnt believe me when i told him, the dc now actually speak to him for about 10/15 minutes rather than the 30 second hi and bye!