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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

'We're not a proper family'

12 replies

LeiLei1984 · 29/08/2017 00:06

So I'm a single mum with a 6 year old daughter.

I'll give some background info - I've always been a single mum as I was dumped by her dad during my pregnancy. He chose not to be at her birth and I heard nothing from him until a couple of months before her 4th birthday. I obviously didn't want to give him a chance but I thought I'd ought to for my daughters sake. Her dad has been inconsistent the whole time, I've never received a penny from him, asked a few times to no avail, at this point I can't be arsed with him, I just work hard and do it all by myself.

I've been single this whole time as I feel that I should be concentrating on my daughter or working to make a better life for us so if I'm not at work I'm at home. She always says that we're not a proper family as its only the two of us! I have a very big family and my sisters and cousins are all with their kids dads and my daughter sees this and how the dads are with the kids. It's just so upsetting to hear her say this stuff. She always asks why I made such a bad choice in choosing him to be her dad, she hates him and refuses to call him dad! I catch her watching YouTube videos of what she calls a proper family (mum, dad and kids) playing together and going on day trips and holidays.. It literally breaks my heart.

She gets really jealous when my family members go on holiday in their little family units, as they talk about inviting the two of us but never do, which is fair enough as they probably want to enjoy their time without us tagging along. I've suggested my daughter and I go on holiday together but she says it will be boring just the two of us!

What I'm asking is if anyone else has experienced this and how they get around it? I'd be grateful for any ideas.

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 29/08/2017 00:10

Ah. I understand her wish but it must be very hard on you when she talks like that. Do you have any friends with kids who would be interested in holidaying together? Or could you talk to your family about it? It may be that they'd be happy to do it but just haven't taken that final step.

Mrscropley · 29/08/2017 00:11

I remember asking my dm (loudly on a bus apparently) if I was a bastard as I didn't have a df!!
She bought me a cat (called Chippy) and I announced we were a proper family now!!
Tell your dd families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and would a pet be a possible good addition? Even a fish!!

Butterymuffin · 29/08/2017 00:12

And maybe talk to your DD about this more too. She can't be the only one at her school in this position. Of course you are a proper family.

lannister · 29/08/2017 18:12

Do you have any single parent friends that you could perhaps go on holiday or trips with?

Minimusiciansmama · 29/08/2017 20:15

Prove to her that time with you and her isn't boring. My DD and I absolutely love our adventures. Plan a brilliant weekend away just the two of you. Amaze her.
My DD says our little family is me, her, our pet and her best soft toy. Her big family is the extended set.
It must hurt for her to say that to you, hugs. Go prove her wrong xxxx

UsernameEnvy · 29/08/2017 20:31

Oh that must be so upsetting OP. I've raised my child alone for 9 years now and I taught him from a young age that families come in all shapes and sizes. We have traditional set ups within our family as well as step parents/dc, half siblings etc. I talked about adopted children and how some people aren't able to care for their dc (his dad!). He's also seen some of his friends parents separate over the years. I try to focus on the positives of being a small family (for eg he wouldn't be able to go to as many activities if he had siblings to consider
or get as many treats etc), he seems to have taken that on board. Maybe just have a general chat and try to focus on the positives.

UsernameEnvy · 29/08/2017 20:33

Just seen Mrscropley's post. We got a cat too and ds had to fill in a 'my family' booklet for school this week and he always includes the cat!

WiganPierre · 29/08/2017 20:50

She bought me a cat (called Chippy) and I announced we were a proper family now!!

This is SO sweet and heartwarming.

Hugs OP. It must be so hurtful when DD makes those comments, but it's just because she doesn't comprehend yet that a family takes different forms, whether that's a child free couple, a lady or man and their cat or dog, siblings with deceased parents, single parents, etc. I guarantee she will look back as an adult and feel so bad for hurting you.

I must commend you though on putting your daughter first. There may be other families with a father figure for the children, but it sometimes can be ever-changing if their mum has multiple partners while they are growing up. That can be very confusing for children so right now you are giving your DD a lot of stability. She doesn't appreciate it yet, but will in the future.

Original poster

LeiLei1984 · 30/08/2017 06:58

Thanks so much for all of the feedback. I do explain to her that families come in all shapes and sizes but in her mind she thinks we're not complete until I have a partner and a couple more kids. She also knows that she wouldn't get as many treats if I did have more children but to be honest I think she'd prefer that bless her.

I think I might surprise her with a weekend away in the UK and see how we get on with that.

OP posts:

Squeegle · 30/08/2017 07:01

Try a single with kids holiday, they're great fun and the kids almost feel like part of a big family. They do some long weekends occasionally

Brokenbiscuit · 30/08/2017 07:18

I really feel for you, OP. It must be very difficult to hear that, but of course you are a proper family. Might it be worth mentioning this to the school and asking them to do something in circle time or whatever to promote the message that families come in all shapes and sizes? Schools are very good at that sort of stuff in my opinion.

I wonder if, at some level, you think she is right and you're subconsciously reinforcing her stereotype of what a "proper" family looks like? Is there a part of you that feels guilty about the fact that it's just you and her? Because if there is, you need to ditch that now and focus on all the positive things about your family set-up.

As for the holiday, she is 6 and has no idea whether she will enjoy it or not, so I would just make a plan for the two of you and ensure that you both have a fantastic time!

FWIW, my dd has had holidays with me and her dad, holidays with our extended family and holidays with our friends and their kids. She always says that the trips she loves the most are the ones where it's just me and her.

blameitonthebipolar · 30/08/2017 07:50

Not much personal experience to add op but I too have a 6 year old dd and they can say things without realising how much they upset you.

My dd always tells me that her daddy is her favourite and that hurts a little sometimes

I have been a single parent when ds was small and he always used to say he wished he had a sibling.
When dd came along when he was almost 8 he cried becuse he knew it wasn't the same any more in terms of getting all of my undivided attention and pretty much being spoilt rotten.
They're now 6 and 14 and sometimes he will say how much he adores her, other times he does say how much more "stuff" he had when dd wasn't there! You can't win.

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